Page 15 of Nine Inch Nasty
“Naturally.”
They nod. “Perfect. Then let’s focus on what we're here to do.”
I squeeze them for being so darling, then take a look around my new environment. It's basically a big sports arena full of spectators. I'm fairly confident said spectators didn't come here on purpose, but that's neither here nor there.
“Right. Any guess who's in that cloud up there, Cory? Is it giving off any vibes to you? Shaped in a certain way to recommend one of my mates over another?”
They shake their head no.
“Worth a shot. Okay, this is actually great. I think this is the most classic villain behavior we’re going to get from her. We've got a group of unicorns wrapped together with a fraying rope, dangling over a pit of fire. They look pretty pressed, and I don't blame them. Probably not the day they were hoping to have.”
Between me and what is clearly the finish line, there’s a set of obstacles. But not in a way that makes sense. See my internal monologue earlier on the page about Fairygoddess being an improper villain. Honestly, I don’t even think she knows what she wants. Maybe she needs a cupcake, too.
Cory follows me to the first table, still stumbling slightly, and I'm irritated for some reason that the goddess sprung for a cheap folding plastic table instead of something nicer. Figures she wouldn't take this seriously. Although, the fire pit is undoubtedly a nice touch.
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this?” It's literally just a table full of spoons and a giant bag of vegan marshmallows.
Fuck this.
“Maybe you're supposed to shove them up your cunt and then see how many spoons you can fit in your mouth?”
“Cory, I mean this in the best way possible, but there's no way in hell that’s the correct answer. That's … no. There're some things we just don't do.” There has to be an answer here somewhere. I bet the goddess is sitting behind whatever cloud screen she concocted for herself, sipping a delicious cold beverage, and cackling at her own cleverness. Well, perceived cleverness.
“Wait a minute...” The next station is too far to reach on my own, so clearly the goddess expects me to do something with this trash assortment of objects she's given me.
I turn to a very reluctant mate. “I'm going to ask you to do something really weird, and you have to promise me you'll still love me when we're done with this.”
They take a step back, batting their eyes. “Oh good, you figured it out as well? It was going to be awkward if I had to explain it to you.”
Before I can enact my plan, which surely can't beexactlywhat the goddess was thinking but I have to remain a step ahead of her, evil darkness descends on me and Cory. Of course, this makes it more complicated to complete our task, but not impossible.
Never impossible.
It's unfortunate I can't see because it's going to make it that much more uncomfortable, but with only a few smallishyelps from Cory, a few bruises on me, and a very uncomfortable situation that me and Cory have promised to never speak of again, the marshmallows disappear, and the spoons…
Well, you don't need to know about those.
The point is, after some deft finagling on our parts, the darkness is lifted, leaving me and Cory there panting, red faced and deeply traumatized, afraid to look at each other, unable to proceed any further until we figure out this new puzzle.
Ah, fuck again. “Are you kidding me here?” Now we have a bathtub full of rubber ducks.
“We should have expected this, after that last one.”
“Cory...”
They jump back from me. “Nope. Don't even think about it. That was the last time, you promised.”
“Okay;think, think, think. What's the last thing she would expect me to do?”
I can't see the rest of the obstacles from where I'm standing, but I can't imagine they're any easier to solve. Maybe if I just do the opposite of what my first instinct is, I'll figure it out.
Cory watches, not interfering until I’m done moving. “Why are you sitting on the bathtub of ducks?”
“Hold on, I'm trying something.”
The crowd is starting to get restless; which is probably why the giant disco ball descends from nowhere.
“Dance for your lives, motherfuckers!”
