Page 131 of Valentine Nook
“She has class this morning, so she’ll go back to sleep for a bit too I think.”
Millie, Tanner’s wife, is a student at Columbia and took a year off when she got pregnant. She started back at school at the beginning of this semester, and now that Tanner’s in his off-season, he’s doing the bulk of the childcare, along with the help of both ours and Millie’s parents, who don’t seem to be able to stay away.
He’s also paying for a nanny, though I’m not sure what there’s left to do once the grandmothers are done for the day.
At this time of the morning, and with Tanner’s driving, we reach Manhattan in less than twenty minutes. I spent so much of the past two years in this city, yet now it feels alien to me. The air, the chaos, the fact that everything is on the wrong side. Although it’s so different from Valentine Nook, it may help me move on quicker and forget faster.
I’d be a big fat liar if I said I wanted to do either. I don’t deserve to forget. The moment I begin to feel normal, my punishment should be picturing Lando’s face as I rode away. Telling myself I’ve done it for his own good is no comfort whatsoever.
Millie waits by the elevator doors the moment they open into their apartment, and of course I start crying again. I’m too tired and too fragile to cope with her kindness at waking up to greet me, or at Brady looking impossibly cute in a little orange onesie covered in pumpkins and a hood with a brown stalk sticking from the top.
She reaches out to hug me, careful not to squash her son between us. “Oh Hol, don’t worry, we’ll talk it through, but it’ll be okay...whoa. ..that’s...big.”
“She’s cried the whole way home,” Tanner grunts from behind me as he drops Willard on the floor next to my bags,lets out a long sigh, and rests his hands on his knees. “That thing is fucking heavy.”
“I didn’t cry the whole way,” I grumble. “I stopped when we drove through the Lincoln Tunnel.”
“Sorry, I stand corrected.”
I watch as my brother kisses his wife and takes his son from her arms. My heart aches acutely from that one simple gesture. Up to this point in my life, marriage and children have never been an aspiration. I have enough nieces and nephews to suffice for the moment, but witnessing it now, it’s hard to imagine I’ll ever find that type of love with someone when I’ve blown it with the one person I could see myself growing old with.
My face crumples all over again.
“Oh, Hol?—”
“I’m fine.” I wave Millie off and hold my hands out for Brady.
He’s got my brother’s blue eyes, which I guess are mine too. His chubby little cheeks bulge as he smiles at me.
“Hey, buddy, you got big, huh? Do you remember Auntie Holiday?”
“Mmm, sure did,” Millie replies. “It’s like walking around with a kettlebell all day.”
I laugh. “If kettlebells looked like you, I’d be in the gym more often.”
Brady raises his palm and rests it on my face. His sweet baby scent fills the air, and it’s calming enough that waves of tiredness begin crashing over me.
“Hey, I think I’m going to catch some sleep before my meetings this morning.”
Millie takes Brady back. “The guest room is all set up for you. Sleep as long as you want. I’m going to do the same. Tanner will be here all day if you want to hang out with him, and I finish class after lunch.”
“Thank you.”
I pick up my bags, and before I head down the hallway to my room, Tanner hugs me tightly, whispering, “I promise it’ll be okay. We’ll figure it out when you wake up.”
I can’t quite bring myself to believe him, so instead of answering, I just smile. The moment I close the bedroom door behind me, I drop everything on the floor and power up my phone.
I hadn’t wanted to check it at all during the flight—some fucked-up form of delayed gratification—because it was easier to hold on to a tiny sliver of hope that I might have a message from Lando when I land, than listen to the louder voice saying I’m too stupid for even thinking he’d ever speak to me again after I left.
CLEMMIE: Miss you already.
CLEMMIE: How was your flight?
MARCY: My call’s been canceled, so we can meet earlier. Eleven a.m.? My office?
MOM: Welcome home, sweetie. See you at Tanner’s tomorrow. Have you got tickets to Late Night for your dad and me?
CLEMMIE: Miles’s after-party sucks. I’m going to bed. Still miss you.
