Page 155 of A Breath of Life
Diem
Ifollowed Valor and Ruiz into the massive hospital parking structure and joined them on a short elevator ride to the right level. The quiet MPU detective gave us a private moment and got into an unmarked police car, starting the engine. He must have picked up Ruiz after his decade-long interview. I didn’t miss the way he glared at me like he didn’t trust me alone with his buddy.
Ruiz and I wandered a few rows away, neither of us speaking. Echo stayed obediently at my side. The traffic noise from the busy street was nothing more than a hum in the background of my noisy brain. Eventually, I stopped and pulled a fresh pack of smokes from a pocket. “Do you mind?”
Ruiz shrugged. “Your lungs.”
Ignoring the quip, I lit up. My sanity was more important than my lungs at the moment.
Everything had crumbled after Tallus was shot. My nerves were frayed, and the only thing keeping me together was smoking and theshameful flask of cheap liquor I’d tucked in the glove compartment of the Jeep. Every time I took Echo for a potty break, I downed several gulps, letting it sear my insides and calm the incessant shakes. Was it the answer to my problems? Fuck no. I knew that, but being an addict was one more flaw to add to my charming list of personality traits.
I walked a razor’s edge, certain that if I didn’t tread carefully, I would tip over into the pits of insanity at any moment. The frail control I found in smoking and drinking was nothing more than a bandage. It never fixed the problem. If anything, it exacerbated the issue, but those crutches were easy to fall back on, and the temporary fix was better than nothing at all.
It was why I’d called my doctor that morning. I wasn’t stupid. I knew I was in a bad way.
I smoked through half my cigarette, but still couldn’t find the right words. Ruiz waited for a while, but his patience wore thin after five minutes or so.
“No offense, Krause, but I haven’t slept in days, and I just spent eighteen or more hours in an interrogation room fighting for myself and my job because of something that had nothing to do with me. I’m fucking beat. Say what you have to say, and let me go home. Please.”
A car drove past as I scraped my boot along the pitted concrete, trying to force order into my head so I could articulate what I wanted to say without coming across as an asshole. My tongue wouldn’t cooperate. The synapses between my brain and mouth didn’t seem to be connected anymore, not that they ever were. I’d barely been able to form proper sentences since the incident, but after lying in bed with Tallus the previous night, at least I wasn’t completely mute anymore. Words were coming to me. Slowly.
It took all my energy to stay standing and not crumble apart, but I had to do this.
“Thank you,” I rasped.
Ruiz’s brows rose. “That’s not what I expected to hear. I thought you’d tear me a new one for putting Tallus in danger.”
“No. You gave him a vest. Y-you saved his life.” My voice quaked, so I sucked hard on the cigarette, wishing it would quell the inner shake threatening my foundation.
“I didn’t mean for him to get hurt. I didn’t want to send him in at all. I volunteered to go, but that kid, Joshua, said I’d have been tagged as a cop right away. He was right. We didn’t have time for a better plan, and Tallus was—”
“Determined?”
Costa huffed a soft laugh. “Yeah. Jesus. He wouldn’t take no for an answer, the fucking little shit. When he sets his mind to something…”
That was Tallus. The man who literally took a knife to a gunfight with every intention of winning.
When I didn’t respond, Ruiz spoke again. “Areyouokay? No offense, but you look like hell.” He indicated the rainbow of bruises coloring my face. I kept forgetting about them.
I nodded but changed my answer because who was I fucking kidding? Bruises aside, I was the furthest thing from okay. Ruiz knew it. Tallus knew it. Every goddamn doctor and nurse in the hospital knew it. Even the fucking cops who came to interview me knew it. Not a single person who had laid eyes on me in the past forty-eight hours thought I was fine.
“I’ll live.”
Ruiz stared at me like he had more to say.
I squirmed, uncomfortable with the attention, and hauled on my cigarette one last time before flicking the butt on the ground and stomping it out. “If I could kick the bad fucking habits, life would be swell, but every time I think I have a handle on things,shit goes sideways, and I don’t handle stress very well. Just what Tallus needs, huh? An unstable alcoholic with aggression issues who can’t seem to quit smoking to save his life. Those are some winning qualities. Maybe someday he’ll figure out I’m not worth the trouble.”
Great. My mouth finally opens, and the words come out sounding like a pitch for the next daytime soap opera. I needed a bag to punch before I imploded.
Echo bumped my hand, and I automatically scratched her ear, the tension in my shoulders easing a fraction with the contact.
“There you’re wrong, Krause. Tallus is pretty damn resilient. He’s dealt with enough of his own shit in life that I’m sure he understands what a bad day looks like and can empathize.”
“Every day’s a bad day when you’re me.”
“Is it, though? I don’t believe that. He seems pretty smitten with you, and don’t take offense to this, but you seem pretty smitten with him too. I’m sure there are plenty of good days between you.”
There were, but they always felt like they were slipping through my fingers. Like I couldn’t hold onto them. Lately, like they were bracketed with arguments.
