Page 140 of A Breath of Life
Whispered because I’d fucking strangled him. I’d fucking strangled him!
A sound escaped me. A choked sob? A mournful cry? Both? I keened and shook. The unearthly pain originated in my soul and burned hot and fierce through my veins. It consumed me.
“It’s okay. I’m okay. Don’t go there, D. I’m fine. Look at me. I’m fine.”
But I wasn’t and might never be. My capacity for words disintegrated. I wanted to push him away. Run. Bury the knife in my stomach to the hilt and bleed myself dry. Tallus. I’d almost killed Tallus.
“Hold me, Guns. Arms around me. Squeeze. Emotions, remember? Gotta hug them out until you feel better. Don’t run. Please.”
“No.” I tried unsuccessfully to peel him off.
“Hug me. Hold me. I’m not letting go.”
Even as everything inside me shattered, crumbled, and turned to dust, I couldn’t ignore his plea. I would do anything,absolutely anything, this man asked. I would dive headfirst off a cliff. I would walk into an inferno. I would carve my still-beating heart from my chest and give it to him. I would fall to my knees and repent, find the god my nana so adamantly believed in all her life and pray every fucking day if I had to. I would beg the man upstairs to remove this taint he inflicted on me at birth. I would ask him to make me a better man. Make me worthy.
Tallus lifted my bound hands and ducked under them so they wrapped around him. He rested his cheek against my chest—over my heart. “Hold me, D. Come on. Stay with me.”
So I held him. And I held him and I held him and I held him. When it wasn’t enough—it would never be enough—I scooped him into my arms and buried my face in his neck as tears rolled in rivers down my cheeks. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“It’s not. I’m sorry. I love you, Tallus. I love you, I love you, I love you.”
“I know, D. You didn’t know it was me.”
“I would never hurt you.”
“I know. I love you too.”
But why? Why, why, why, why?
I couldn’t let go. The flood of emotions eviscerated me. The past collided with the present, and every pain and torment I’d accumulated in my thirty-six years surfaced all at once. It was too much. Full and complete knockout. I bled all that I was into the man in my arms,holding him tighter, fearing that if I let go, the world as I knew it would no longer exist, and Tallus would be gone.
“Bear hug too squishy, D. Can’t breathe again.”
It took effort to loosen my hold and set him on his feet.
He cradled my face. His long fingers traced my cheekbones, stubbled jaw, and every fine line, scar, and bruise that told the story of my life as though ensuring I was whole. I wasn’t. I was a fragmented man, stitched together with frayed thread. I needed the gentlest of handling, or I would unravel, but Tallus knew that about me, and he’d always been careful and kind.
When his fingers landed on the new injury, he frowned. “He hurt you again.”
“It’s nothing. I’ll live.”
“D…”
How did I tell him the pain in my heart was worse? “You shouldn’t have come.” I kissed his forehead, his warm skin and scent a comfort. If he was here, he was in danger.Wewere in danger.
“I couldn’t leave you here.”
“How did you find me?”
“It’s a long story, and I have done things I’m not proud of, but we can chat about that later. We have to get out of here, preferably without anyone else trying to kill me. Twice in five minutes is my limit.”
I frowned and was about to ask what the fuck he meant, but he ducked under my bound arms and stepped away.
I didn’t want to let him go. I wanted to hold him until time stopped, until the earth quit spinning, and the stars burned out. Until darkness reigned for eternity. I wanted to protect him, scoop him up into my arms, and take him far away from this shitshow of a world.
Even when I didn’tdeserve his love.
