Page 25 of Reading Between the Lines
“No. Touch me, D.” He pinned me with his trademark smirk full of sultry mischief as he arched his back. The act drew his shirt higher.
My gaze slipped from his navel to the mound in the front of his fitted pants.
Tallus didn’t ask again and waited as I silently processed and tried to figure out how to move forward. I shuffled closer andcautiously rested a hand on his hip, sliding the pad of my thumb over the bare skin showing at his midsection. Silky, soft, and warm. Like porcelain. Like an angel. I had no right to touch him like this. I was the ogre in this fairy tale.
“Turn that big nasty brain off and stop thinking so hard.”
I exhaled a shaky breath as I drew him toward me. Tallus rolled to his side and shuffled closer.
He was right there, practically in my arms.
“Kiss me, D.”
That I could do.
I leaned in and connected our mouths. It started awkwardly—it always started awkwardly—but in no time, we found our groove, and I got lost in his mouth, taste, and warmth. My hand sat stationary and unmoving at the small of his back. I could move it to his ass, draw him against me. I could thread my fingers through his hair and roll him to his back and…
My imagination stuttered as though anything further was beyond reckoning.
If I was the guide in this love affair, the tour was over, and what a sad experience it had been. Without Tallus pushing us forward—or telling me what to do—I tended to get stuck in first gear, flooding the engine and killing the moment.
We kissed, exploring each other’s mouths. He rocked into me, and my blood turned to lava. He didn’t request more. In truth, we didn’t have time. My failing attempt at lovemaking would have to be put off until later.
“Will you sleep beside me tonight?” he asked when we came apart.
“I… want that. I… Sometimes I have bad dreams, and…”
“I know.”
“You do?”
He shrugged. “I figured.”
“That’s not why I’m struggling.”
“I know that too.”
“It’s the intimacy. It… it perpetuates the nightmares, and I… They can be awful at times.”
“Stress?”
I nodded.
He rested a hand on my unshaven cheek. “No one has ever taught you positive touch.”
I hated that he saw the truth. I felt exposed and vulnerable. “Pushing my boundaries could risk a setback. I don’t want to fuck this up, but my mental health is fragile on a good day.”
“I know.”
It had been six weeks since my last cigarette, and it had been an act of intimacy with Tallus that had drawn me back to the habit then. I didn’t handle stress well and used unhealthy crutches to cope. Smoking and drinking.
Alcoholism ran in the family, and I hadn’t succeeded in kicking the habit. For the moment, it was under control, but too much stress could trigger me. Drinking hazarded violence and anger. It had the potential to unearth Past Diem, and Past Diem was someone I wanted to avoid. He was the face in the dream. The one I fought. He was a man who risked turning into his father, and I’d rather slit my own throat than have that happen.
Past Diem wasn’t allowed anywhere near Tallus.
“D, I get it.”
I didn’t know how to respond, so I stayed silent.
