Page 50 of Bourbon Wishes
I've tried to make sense of it all the way here, but it still doesn't add up to me. I still don't understand why he just decided to hire someone else. I can't figure out why he didn't talk to me about it first.
Bastian doesn't do anything without thinking it through. He doesn't make split-second decisions. He's methodical…exceptwhen he's inside me anyway. I'm the only person who ever makes him lose control.
But that's not what this is. What can't he tell me?Whycan't he tell me? He said so many perfect things yesterday. It feels like they all got ripped away today, and I don't get it.
"Are you saying that he fired you?" Sutton gasps, offended on my behalf.
"No. Yes." I shrug helplessly. "I don't know. He s-said that I belong there, and I'll always have a p-place there." I dab at my eyes again. "But he's giving my job to someone else."
"Why?"
"I don't know."
"Did you ask him?" Sutton asks.
I nod. "He said he can't tell me yet."
"What the fuck?" Caleb's scowl darkens again. "What the fuck kind of answer is that?"
"I don't know!" I cry, burying my face in my hands. "Yesterday, he was talking about getting me p-pregnant, telling me that we belong together, and then he just decided to give my job to someone else without even talking to me. Whodoesthat?"
"Jesus." Caleb massages his forehead like this whole thing is giving him a headache or stressing him out. "Constance, I'm the last one to defend the motherfucker. Believe me, I don't evenlikehim right now…but a man doesn't just talk about getting someone pregnant and then fire her."
I sigh, shredding a piece of tissue. "He didn't even talk to me about it," I whisper. "That's what hurts the most. I'm supposed to be someone he wants to build a future with, but he couldn't even talk to me."
Caleb and Sutton share a look.
"What?" I growl.
"For the record, I'm mad as hell that I'm defending the guy," my brother says, his voice full of weary resignation. "But…maybe he's not wrong."
"What the hell?"
"He's your boss, which is obviously an issue. If the two of you are going to build a future together, he can't be your boss, too," Caleb says. "It'd never work."
I bite my lip because he isn't wrong. Hasn't that been my fear all along? That the lines are too blurred, and it's going to mess everything up? And I wasn't entirely wrong either, was I? It did mess everything up. I needed Bastian to be my partner and talk to me today. Instead, he acted like my boss and made an executive decision.
We can't be both. Maybe it works for other people, but we aren't other people. We're Constance and Bastian. He's a control freak at work, and I'm the girl who refuses to bend. As much as we love the push and pull, it's just not sustainable if we want to build a future together. Trying to work together as boss/employee places too much friction on the bond we're trying to build.
I know it. He knows it. I think everyone knows it, even if they aren't saying it. He can't be my boss and the man I love at the same time. I can't be his employee and the mother of his children. We'll fuck it all up because neither of us knows how to bend.
Yes, he should have talked to me. I deserved to know what he was thinking and what was happening. But…I haven't been entirely forthright with him either, have I? I've been too damn afraid to tell him how I really feel. I didn't want to rock the boat, so I just didn't say it.
He doesn't know that I'm in love with him.
That's…a travesty, really. He should know. Hedeservesto know that I want him. If the choice is between him and my job,obviously, there is no choice. But I never told him that. I fought to keep it all, even when I was telling him that it wouldn't work.
He changed the rules because I didn't leave him a choice. I kept my cards close to my vest, trying to keep everything from changing even when it wasalreadychanging.
Yeah, I deserved a conversation.But so did he.
And maybe I'm just as mad at myself as I am at him. Because how the hell are we supposed to build a future when I'm too damn afraid to even tell him that the thought of living without him makes it hard to breathe? I don't need him to be my boss. I need him to be my world. But…I never told him that.
I just expected him to know what I needed from him. And maybe I expected him to act on that. But that's not fair to him. I can't expect him to read my mind or know what I need, especially when I'm the one who told him that I'm afraid that working together is going to destroy everything.
Maybe he went about things the wrong way today, but it's obvious he was listening. He wastrying. And I've been too damn scared to even do that.
"I messed up," I whisper, my throat raw. "I should have given him a chance to explain before I flipped out."
