Page 59 of The Best Worst Mistake
It’s uncharacteristically Neanderthal-ish of us, I know, but basically, after you’d asked us for a pen in World Civ, Silas and I left class that day and flipped a coin to see who got to ask you out.
Silas won the coin toss, between the two of us, fair and square. It was my job to back off and let him ask you out. But I’d angrily chucked the coin in the river and called dibs anyway.
I know, it’s awful, and I’m sorry. Young boys are stupid and archaic, and nothing makes our caveman tendencies surface quite like a beautiful woman sitting in our midst.
But the point is, for the first time in my life, I’d thrown all integrity into the wind and told Silas that you were mine anyway. Coin toss be damned.
So, when he told me that he was glad I’d chucked the coin in the river instead of getting his chance to ask you out, I was offended. How could he be telling me he was glad he didn’t get his shot with you? How could that be his response to what I’d just told him? That I planned to ask you to be my wife and he didn’t think that you were good enough for him? I thought he was being arrogant and off-putting, but it wasn’t until later that I actually understood what he meant.
“I’m glad it was you,” he’d told me over the sound of the crackling wood. Everything dark around us. “She deserves to be with someone like you.”
I figured he didn’t like that I was cementing his place as our permanent third wheel, so I left it at that.
Soon after, I’d passed out in my sleeping bag, still rolling his words around in my head, not totally sure what he meant by any of it. But a few hours after I fell asleep, I woke up to see Silas — still awake — still sitting up all alone to stoke the fire. It was almost daylight by then, and he hadn’t even unrolled his sleeping bag to try to get any sleep at all.
I was totally confused. Was he mad? Why hadn’t he slept?
He didn’t know I’d woken up, and I lay perfectly still in my bag, watching him, wondering what would compel him to not even try sleeping.
But after a few moments of watching, I knew.
Silas added another log to the fire, then looked over at you to make sure the pillars of smoke were still keeping the mosquitos at bay. Fanning them away from you every now and then while making sure the flames never went out. Ensuring you had as much protection as possible.
He’d sat up that whole night making sure enough smoke came off those logs to keep thebugs from attacking you while the rest of us slept soundly, blissfully unaware.
I don’t think he saw me wake up to see him staring down at you early that morning, but I’ll never forget it.
He may have thought that he’d never give you what you deserved, but that was just Silas being Silas. Never truly believing he was ever enough for anyone, let alone someone like you. But as I watched him take care of you, seemingly all night long — without recognition, without an audience to see it — just out of the goodness of his own heart when even I couldn’t stay awake long enough to do it — I knew that he would have found a way to deserve you if he’d taken the chance.
I get it. You’re probably wondering why I’m wasting all this time painting this picture for you that doesn’t exactly show me in the best light: me sleeping away while my best mate was caring for you instead.
It’s because I want you to know that no matter how brash he can be — no matter how bizarre, or outrageous, or arrogant Silas comes across, you have always had someone looking out for you who wasn’t me. And you need to know that even when you feel very much alone in the coming days and I’m not there to be with you, he will always be stoking some type of fire to keep you safe. That’s just who he is. Who he’s always been. That night showed me how truly important you are to him — that he’ll always be right there taking careof you, usually when you’re blissfully unaware that he’s doing it at all.
I wish I could have stayed up all night to keep the fire burning for you, but knowing that I didn’t have to and that you were warm and safe from anything that could have hurt you brings me more comfort than most other things can these days. Because I know that even if I won’t be there to see it, you’re going to be okay. You’re going to have someone who loves you, who’s always going to be looking out for you, even when I can’t.
So, please don’t hate me for seeing what you might not have ever seen, and for knowing who would be there to take care of you when I never could again.
That’s the reason he’s with you on this journey.
And why I couldn’t have imagined it being anyone other than him.
Now, go live, sweetheart. It’s the only thing left for you to do.
As always, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for letting me love you,
Grant
Chapter 26
Juliet
I read his letter twice more, not yet ready for my time with him or his words to truly be over for this leg of our trip. Then I breathe in the scent of the paper, praying that this one still has any small trace of him left clinging to the papyrus since it was so much more well-preserved than the last two.
But there’s nothing left of him anymore.
Just the words that I haven’t had time yet to process.
I roll to my side on the bed, dragging my knees into my chest.
