Page 63 of The Best Worst Mistake
“Permission from who though? If Grant’s already giving it in these letters?”
“Maybe from other people. People who knew him. It’s like I can be myself around total strangers or anyone who has no idea what happened because they just see me as another normal person functioning out there in the world. People who don’t know me don’t see me as a victim of my circumstance. But everyone else who knows what I’ve gone through looks at me like I should be eternally broken. Like they’re so damn happy to see me crack a smile because they believe deep down that I shouldn’t be smiling at all. Like it’s against the moral code of grief or something. It feels suffocating being around that all the time.”
I know exactly how she feels.
“How do I get past that without having to move away from everyone I’ve ever known, just to get away from that awful look in people’s eyes when I try to be me again?”
“It’ll get easier with time,” I tell her. “And in the meantime, you go on living exactly the way you want.”
She watches me for any sign of disgust or judgment about what she’s just admitted, but I know she won’t find any. Not with me.
“Jules, if you need a formal invitation to rejoin the world again without a hint of judgment, then please, by all means. You have it.”
She sits up on the bed.
I sit up too so our knees are touching while we face each other.
The beginning of a smile curls the edges of her lips, but she straightens her mouth into a thin line when I start to speak, saying the exact words I wish someone had said to me after I experienced my first loss so long ago. As ridiculous as it is.
“Juliet Hart,” I begin and she sits up straighter. “Would you please, by all fucking means, not just honor his memory, but honor the amazing woman that you are by laughing until you snort, smiling until your face hurts, and making those godawfuljokes that you love without reserve, or fear of judgment from people who think you should spend the rest of your life crying over something you had absolutely no control over?”
The smile on her face finally breaks through the mask of uncertainty she’s been hiding behind, like the sun itself starts pouring out of her. Soon, she’s beaming. Nodding.
“As stupid as it sounds, I think I’ve needed that,” she admits. “God knows I willalwaysmiss him, but sometimes missing him feels like all four walls are closing in. Part of me hated that you were joining this trip because I was so ready to turn over a new leaf and feel like myself again, without judgment from anyone that knew him. Having you come along meant that I felt like I had to sit and continue suffering in silence, to continue actively mourning him every moment of every day, just because I knew that’s what you’d be expecting me to do.”
“You don’t need to explain it,” I tell her, and she nods. “This whole trip can be a safe place for you to come back to yourself. You don’t need my permission in order to do that, but I’m here for it anyway. I pushed everyone away after my dad passed in order to get that space to heal and grow past it, which was the wrong way to do things. I know that now.”
“But I don’t have to push you away in order to be me again,” she says.
She leans toward me, wrapping both arms around my neck, hugging me closer to her while digging her face into the crook of my shoulder. Then she exhales the weight of everything she’s just revealed.
I close my eyes and we sit like that for a minute before she slowly lets me go, happy that we’ve finally managed to break down whatever walls we’d both built around ourselves and each other.
She brings the back of my hand up to her lips and plants a kiss there before pressing my palm into her cheek.
“I’ve missed this,” she says, smiling. “This version of you. Promise me you’re not going to morph back into that other, out-of-control Silas the second we get back home.”
“Other out-of-control Silas is gone,” I tell her. “This might come as a surprise to you but I kind of hated that version of myself, too.”
She laughs and starts to pull my hand away, but I hold it there.
“And Jules?” I pause, waiting to have her undivided attention. When I do, I lean in another inch so I know that she’s listening. “I’ve missed you too. Welcome back.”
Chapter 28
Juliet
We decide to explore the boardwalk for a late dinner. I’ve never been to Spain and from what I could see coming into Cádiz, it’s going to be even more gorgeous now that the sun has gone down. The whole city is springing to life in a new way.
After walking down the boardwalk near the marina, we dive into the nearest eatery without even looking at the name on the door and are surprised to see the rest of the flight crew is already there.
“They live!” Andy says when we all spot each other.
I laugh and give him a hug, happy to welcome his comedic relief, after finishing such an honest conversation with Si earlier. I can’t explain it, but I feel much lighter. More like myself than I’ve felt in a while.
We all end up sitting together. After ordering four heaping dishes of the freshest bluefish tuna I’ve ever tasted and a collection of tapas to share, the pilot and Silas decide to play a round of pool, leaving just Andy and me alone at the table.
We watch them play for a bit and Silas looks just like the kid he was back in college. Carefree and handsome, his laugh ringing out across the mostly empty bar each time Carl says something that makes him double-over. Even from here, I can see that his pilot has more skills than him. It’s probably from plenty of nights out at pool halls while trying to fill his time during the rigorous flight schedule Silas has him on, but Si is still managing to keep up with him. If I didn’t know them, I’d never guess that Silas is Carl’s boss. Playful banter ping-pongs back and forth between them and they quickly clear the balls from the table.
