Page 68 of Searching for Sadie
"Okay thanks," Sadie said as she got back to rolling silverware.
It was Thursday. The new batch of episodes dropped today. The girls had offered to watch them with her, but Sadie had told them that she wanted to watch these ones alone. She wasn't exactly sure what was coming but she had a feeling she was about to me a mess of all kinds of ugly emotions.
On her way home she stopped by the market to get all the provisions to hole up and watch the show and feel sorry for herself. She had a feeling that would be exactly what would happen. As she entered Fipps market she hit all the necessary aisles. First, she hit the snacks, loading up on chips and chocolate, the frozen sections for some pizza and mini tacos, followed by the drinks... well the booze aisle, but wine was necessary.
The nerves she'd been feeling shot up even more when she saw Lucas's mother was the only person ringing people up. What she would give for self check out right now.
"Sadie! What a nice surprise. How are you today?" she asked as she started ringing her up.
"I'm good."
If she'd noticed anything peculiar about Sadie's purchases, she'd kept quiet, which was good.
"I’ve been meaning to tell Lucas that we want to have you both over for dinner.”
“Oh, that would be lovely.”
“Okay, well you have a good night, and I’ll talk to Lucas and get something worked out.”
“I look forward to it. See you later, Mrs. Fipp.”
“Please, call me Marley. Have a nice evening.”
Sadie took the bags and made her way to her car.
After a shower and putting on her comfiest pajamas, she was curled up in bed surrounded by snacks ready to watch the new episodes. Well, not ready, because she was just staring at the home page that had a split screen of her and Ryan in their roomtalking. The smile that covered her face was genuine. This was from the brief moment of time she'd actually thought she'd met the love of her life, before everything fell apart. The play bar sitting on the screen was highlighted. All she had to do was hit enter, but she just couldn't seem to do it.
George sauntered into the room and curled up in her lap.
"Okay, Georgie, let's do this." She hit the play button and started the first episode.
The first part of the day was relatively pain free. That was until the end. This was her reveal episode. Ryan had proposed and they were seeing each other before leaving for their honeymoon in Mexico. There she was on the screen wearing a blue sparkly dress, she remembered feeling so beautiful in that dress. Looking at herself now she thought she was beautiful. She remembered being so excited to see Ryan for the first time. They'd spent hours and hours talking and getting to know each other without ever seeing each other. That was the whole premise of the show, but this was the moment they saw each other for the first time. This was the moment she felt everything shift in a way she couldn't fully explain until later.
She remembered so clearly being excited to see him. She remembered the look on his face and the surprise; she'd felt it too. She remembered this tall thin man with sandy brown hair in a suit before her. He was the man she'd connected to on so many levels, their embrace had felt so true, their first kiss had felt amazing. She left the meeting ready to see him on the plane on their way to Mexico. But knowing what she knew now, she could see his reaction in a new light.
In that moment, he'd decided she was unworthy.
The shame in being deemed unworthy at first sight speared her, and the first round of tears for the night started. She paused the show and snuggled the cat to her face. George just purredand head butted her right back. She popped open a bottle of wine and started the second episode.
Sheknew what was coming; she'd lived through the trip. She'd lived through him pulling away for no reason. He'd even slept in a second room because he was having panic attacks, at least that was what he'd said. She was being supportive. Even then she remembered the gut feeling that something was off, and that something was her.
He'd told her it wasn't her and he was just going through something. But that something he was afraid of was looking bad, that was becoming more and more apparent. At least the editing of the show was telling the truth of that. She was glad, even if it was the most humiliating thing she'd ever felt.
The third episode had another gut punch. She watched on TV as they had an excursion on the beach, they'd gone horseback riding before meeting up with the rest of the cast to play volleyball on the beach. She was in beach clothes… because she was on a beach.
"Do you want to wear something else?" he'd asked her
"No, this is fine," she said as she looked down at her bikini top and shorts.
He had been in a bad mood, which wasn’t unusual for the trip, but he hadn't even played volleyball with them. He'd sat to the side. At the time she'd been upset because he was being a weird party pooper, but now she could see the look of disdain and judgement in his eyes. He didn't ask her to change because he was worried, she wouldn’t be able to do the sport in the clothes, but because he was embarrassed by her.
In fact, later that night when they'd met up with the cast for drinks, she'd worn a strappy tight blue dress. She thought she looked amazing, her hair was down in beach waves, her skin was sun kissed, and the dress hugged all her beautiful curves. That night she'd gotten a little tipsy and danced and had fun with thewomen in that cast, but again Ryan was on the sidelines being a sour puss.
She watched their first fight play out on her computer screen once they'd got back into the hotel room.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
He just entered the room and flopped on the bed and crossed his arms over his chest.
