Page 84 of Searching for Sadie
"What’s making you nervous?"
She looked down at their feet and chewed on her bottom lip. But thumbs gently tipped her head back up to meet his gaze. "Iguess... I'm just nervous it will make you see me differently. If you hear all the stuff he has to say about me, you might..." She couldn't even bring herself to say the words. She hated this. She hated that someone had made her question her worth like this.
"Hey," he said in a firm yet comforting tone. "I don't give a fuck what that idiot has to say about you. There is nothing he can say that will make me change my mind."
She nodded, trying to believe his words.
"Where do you want to watch it?"
"Can we watch it at your house... curled up in blankets downstairs?"
"Of course, do you want to head there now?"
She nodded as he took her by the hand and led the way.
"Where's George? He can come over and snuggle with us."
"I don't know where he is, you know how he is, he comes and goes as he pleases."
They walked across the backyard as the sun was starting to set on the other side of her house. She was a mix of emotions. Part of her was so thankful for Lucas, she would not have been able to get through this without his support. Yet there was still a big part of her that was worried Ryan would point out all the things about her and her body he didn't like, and Lucas would be like 'oh yeah, now that I never noticed that before, gross.'
She knew he wouldn't do that. But knowing that and feeling that were two separate things.
"You head downstairs. I'll be right there," he said as he slid open his patio door.
She made her way down into Lucas's basement. One thing she'd noticed about Lucas was his love for air conditioning. His house was almost like being in a refrigerator, but she liked it. She liked that even in the hot late summer sun she would need to cuddle up with blankets and Lucas to stay warm.
Once she got in the basement she sat on his big sectional sofa and picked out the softest blanket he had. In a few moments he came carrying two bowls of ice cream.
"Are you ready?" he asked.
"Ready as I'll ever be."
"Let's do this," he said, handing her a bowl of ice cream before he sat down next to her.
"Thank you," she said as he took the bowl from his hand, and he pulled the blanket to cover both of them.
He set his bowl down next to him as he reached for the remote and pulled up the show. It was apparent on the screen that he'd seen all the episodes. He'd heard what Ryan had to say, and it hadn't changed things. She just hoped it would stay that way after these last couple episodes.
Her nerves were threatening to get the best of her as the previously shown clips started playing. Just some of the most traumatic moments of her life served up as sound bites for everyone to see, no big deal. Sensing this, Lucas picked her legs up and draped them over his lap for maximum contact while they ate their ice cream.
"Nothing like watching people call you fat while eating ice cream," she said in an attempt to laugh it off.
"That guy is a fucking dickbag," Lucas said as he discarded his empty ice cream bowl. "He wouldn't know what to do with a woman anyway. I bet he's one of those fuckers who thinks the g-spot is fake. I don’t think he could find a clit in a Georgia O’Keefe painting. I mean, really, you're better off. He never would have gotten you off."
Sadie surprised herself with the bark of laughter that left her. "Tell me how you really feel."
"Oh, I will," Lucas said as he looked at her with a cocked eyebrow before turning his attention back to the TV. But as hedid that, he also started to massage her feet while she finished her ice cream. This might not be as bad as she feared.
Before long, her ice cream bowl was on the side table, and she was snuggled into Lucas's side as they watched what she knew would be her last episode. She's made it through the shows that made her feel like she was going insane. She remembered when she'd been trying to figure out what was going on and why things were bad. He had made it seem like there was something wrong with her but was telling all the guys behind her back he wasn't attracted to her.
While she expected to feel even more shame while watching this with Lucas, his constant contact and disgust anytime Ryan came on the screen did make her feel better.
Even through their breakup scene, this was a gut-wrenching moment when Sadie had pulled so deep and tried everything to try and work it out. To try and figure out what the problem was. First, she had been too standoffish, then she's been too clingy, then she'd embarrassed him by getting a little rowdy with the girls. It was an ever-moving target, one she could see watching the show she would never be able to meet. The soul crushing gymnastics of trying to put the pieces of the puzzle to make their connection work, the connection that had seemed so real in the rooms where they couldn't see each other, had vanished.
Watching the show, it was so obvious it made her feel stupid. But while she was in it, it was hard to see clearly.
Watching the scene play out before where she finally said goodbye a tear streamed down her face. She wasn't sad it was over, especially knowing everything that was going on and being said behind the scenes. As she sniffled, Lucas nuzzled and kissed the top of her head.
