Page 69 of Searching for Sadie
"What?" she asked again.
"That was so embarrassing."
She had assumed he was embarrassed because she got a little tipsy and was dancing and laughing loudly, but she could see he was embarrassed to be with her. At that and another tear streamed down her face.
But by far the worst episode of the night came when the men of the show got together. The women got together and talked about their experiences. Mostly they were sharing what it was like, if they'd had sex yet and other things. For whatever reason the production was really interested in them discussing how intimate they'd gotten. Sadie had abstained because number one, she wasn’t about to talk about that on a show, but also their intimacy had been zero. They weren't even sleeping in the same bed.
But his conversation with the guys was humiliating and heartbreaking to watch. When he'd been asked how their relationship was going, he had shifted in his seat before saying.
"I don't know, I don't think she was honest."
"How so?" asked one of the guys.
"I just feel like who she was in the rooms is not who she is. I think she tricked me."
TRICKED HIM? She was close to throwing her laptop across the room at that one.
"I mean, maybe you just need to give it some time. It's hard to be yourself with all the cameras around," said one of the guys.
"Thank you!" she said to her computer.
"No, I think she was dishonest on a more personal level."
What the fuck was he talking about? Dishonest? Sure, she didn't tell him how she looked, that was the whole point of the show!
"She seems like a cool chick," one of the guys said.
"Are you attracted to her?" one asked
The camera panned back to him, and he looked sweaty and uncomfortable. "I mean, would you be?"
While one of the guys laughed and high fived him, the others at least gave him side eye, but that was it.
Sadie felt like she just wanted to be swallowed up by the earth. She just wanted to stop existing. Part of her knew that was way too much power to give a small little man, and she knew eventually that part would win out, but right now she just wanted to crawl away and die.
George had gone off somewhere, so she reached for the cat Lucas had won her at the carnival. She'd put the flannel on it he gave her that night when she was cold on the walk home which made it smell like him. She snuggled the cat while she watched the rest of the episode and cried.
She woke up in the morning with her computer still open on the bed next to her. The sun was shining in her window, but she just couldn't bring herself to deal with anyone it. After going the bathroom and reforming her hair into a messy bun she staggered to the kitchen to feed George. There was still too much brightness in this god-awful pink mess of a house. She pulled all the blinds and made her way back upstairs to get in bed.
She looked at her phone which was lit up with notifications, but she couldn't bring herself to deal with any of them. She just pulled the covers over her head and went back to bed.
She woke up to a knock at the door. The light was no longer trying to sneak through the blinds of her eastern facing room,so it was at least afternoon sometime since there was still a fair amount of ambient light. Maybe she should answer the door but answering it looking the way she did would only feed the humiliation she was trying to hide from. She just pulled the covers back over head to help block out the existence of anything not in this room.
The next time she woke up George was kneading her back and purring. The room around her was dark. She felt around blindly for her phone. Squirting at the brightness from the screen she checked the time. It was after ten. She'd slept the day away. Good. But the little orange monster was reminding her that he'd missed his dinner.
After feeding George she went back upstairs and put on a Dolly record and sat in the window seat looking out. Her room was dark so she could see out, but no one would be able to see her. There was something comforting about that. She found herself wishing she could live just like that.
But as she gazed at the stars listening to Dolly, she couldn't help but ask herself what would Dolly do? She knew what Dolly wouldn't do. She wouldn’t hide away in her room because a man had deemed her unattractive and humiliated her for millions of viewers to see. No, Dolly would get herself all dolled up and show everyone she was unaffected by his nonsense. She would know her worth didn't depend on what others thought of her.
Finally, that thought lifted a little of the haze she'd been lost in for the past twenty-four hours. She wasn't quite ready to greet the world, but she knew she was worthy of doing so. And for right now, that was a good first step.
As she sat in her dark room gazing out her window she saw the light from Lucas's garage door opening. He stepped out of his garage to get something from his truck. Once he got it, he stopped to look at Sadie's house before checking his phone. The shadows fell across his furrowed brow as he slipped it back intohis pocket. She ached for him. She wanted the effortless way he made her smile. She wanted to feel his big strong arms around her, but she didn't move. She just sat there watching him.
CHAPTER 27
SADIE
The next day she woke up to a knock at the door. She was set to ignore it again, but there was something different about the knock. It was softer, but still somehow louder than it should have been. It was coming from inside the house.
