Page 83 of Two Guys One Puck
“Okay. Compulsory heterosexuality,” Archangel begins. “It’s what you and most everyone else is brainwashed to believe by society. We are taught to want things like a wife, family, the nine to five every waking moment since birth, which coerces us to see every form of intimacy between men and women as romantic and sexual.”
“Can you really be brainwashed into feelings? Like, it didn’t work on you.”
“People are conditioned to interpret all feelings toward the opposite sex as attraction and the same sex as friendship. But feelings are really more complicated than that. Are they hot, or do you just admire them? Men are expected to hide their feelings or not feel anything but pleasure and anger, so we stomp them down. So when you get the intimacy you’re craving, you think you’re attracted to that person, and in this society, we’re called gay if we get any of that from anyone but a woman. But the deeper subtext is that we can feel a lot of feelings, including love for people we aren’t attracted to. We also need more than one person to fill non-sexual intimacy and connection, which is why so many married people and single men are miserable, but that’s a whole other can of worms I’m not going to get into.” Archangel rolls his eyes but goes on. “This is an institute imposed on us through media and heterosexual rhetoric our whole lives, and it’s easier to stay in if you’re bisexual or pansexual. You don’thave to buck this system or ever explore more options because you fit into the mold. It takes work to explore your feelings and emotions to figure out what they mean so a lot of people don’t. It’s how people don’t figure out they are bi until they’re like forty and divorcing. Gay people don’t have that luxury because I’ve known women do nothing for me since I was little, but you didn’t have to explore because you do partly fall into the box the patriarchy wants you in.”
“Okay, I’m not saying you’re wrong, but then why is this the only time I’ve even been attracted to a guy?” I’m trying to make sense of it in my brain or even think of a time I felt the same, but I just can’t come up with one.
“Did you even know you were attracted to him before you were hitting each other and then making out?”
“Well…no.”
“So you might have confused a feeling for someone as something else, like rage? Or anger? Which are the only feelings that men are taught are acceptable.”
I scoff. “No, he definitely makes me want to rage.”
“But the rage turns you on.”
I cringe. “Ouch. Just call me out why don’t you.”
“Do you think that’s normal?”
I make a face but don’t refute it.
“Maybe you’ve ignored it other times because it was subtle, and this one you couldn’t. Or it only happened because he actually got you to hit him. Or you’re somewhere on the spectrum closer to straight. Being bisexual doesn’t mean you’re equally attracted to all sexes—it’s a spectrum for a reason.” He puts his arm around me. “And I’ve known you were at least a little gay since we started having cuddle parties to watch movies.”
I lean into him and scoff. “A guy secure in his sexuality can do that.”
“Sure, but that’s not the box you fit into.”
“What about Wolfe? Don’t fucking tell me he’s straighter than I am. That might actually offend me.” I glare at him.
“Please, he’s not straight either.” He lays his head on my shoulder and seems a little sad.
“You two okay?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.” Archangel changes the subject before I can ask. “You going to keep seeing him?”
“I don’t know if I can stop.”I don’t want to stop, but I can’t say that part out loud yet.
“Do you think that’s a good idea? Not only are you both going to piss off your coaches, but you’re going to end up in different places. You’re both going to be in the first round of the draft. How do you think the pros would feel about you two in a relationship and playing against each other?”
I exhale. “I think we’ve proven fucking is not going to come before the game.”
He’s quiet for a long moment. “And what will that do to your relationship? You can’t keep up what you’ve been doing.”
“We’re just fucking. It’s not a relationship.”
“Okay.” His voice drips with sarcasm. “I don’t want you to get hurt. You know he’s kinda a dick.”
“I’m also kinda a dick.”
“I won’t argue that, but you’re my friend, so I have to be ride or die. And speaking of dicks…” He picks up his head to look at me.
My cheeks heat and I don’t make eye contact. “Don’t ask.”
“Come on. He’s hot, and apparently doesn’t sleep with anyone—I’ve asked around with the puck bunnies. They thought he was asexual. Their gossip threads are unhinged, and no one knows. I need the tea because I’m not getting laid, so let me live vicariously through you.”
“You can’t expect me to know what a good size is?—”
