Page 113 of Don't Make Me Beg
She nods. “Yeah. I don’t know where that came from.”
“But you liked it?” She didn’t give me any signs that she wasn’t enjoying herself, but it’d be irresponsible of me not to ask anyway. Sometimes people’s minds and bodies don’t always align with what they want, which is why consent and safe words are so important when immersing into intense scenes like we just had.
“Yes… I liked it… more than I expected.” Her voice is barely a whisper, like she’s afraid of saying it out loud.
“Well, that’s a good thing. You discovered something new about yourself, and you were open to it, rather than judging it. That doesn’t mean anything about you, and it’s not something anyone needs to know except you and me.”
Her hazel eyes are glassy, but I can see there’s more emotion she’s holding back, something else she’s not saying. “What are you really upset about, Scout? Tell me the truth, I can handle it.” The fear that she’s upset with me, that I’m the reason she’s upset, has a pit sinking in my stomach. I hold my breath as I wait for her to respond.
She bites her quivering lip. “What does it mean… about me that I’m turned on by that kind of stuff?”
I tilt her chin up, running my thumb over her swollen lips. “It means that it turns you on.” I shrug. “Nothing more. Nothing less. Everyone is aroused in different ways; there’s no need to judge yourself for it or even question it.”
“You say that like it’s no big deal that I just asked you to hurt me during sex. You don’t think that’s fucked up… not even just a little?”
I shake my head. “No. I really don’t. Everyone has their thing that turns them on, and you enjoy degradation and humiliation, as well as a little pain. Honestly, it makes sense if you think about it.”
“How?”
“I mean, your parents always treated you like you owed them, made you think you had to earn their love. So it makes sense that you’d crave their attention. And it makes sense that the hurtful words used to control you would affect you in a deeper way.” I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. “Lots of people find healing by working through their trauma in sexual expression. It’s a normal and healthy way for your brain to find healing. In a lot of ways, it’s like taking your power back and rewriting what those experiences mean to you.”
I pull her into my lap, smoothing her hair as I hold her to my chest. “You aren’t broken, and there is nothing wrong with you.”
“I feel pretty fucking broken.”
A single tear drop falls down her cheek, and I release her from my hug so I can look her in the eyes. “Well, you’re not. Not even close.” Holding her face, I kiss both of her tear-streaked cheeks. “You’re perfect, exactly as you are.” I stare into her eyes, searching for understanding and when she blinks through her tears and nods, I finally blow out a breath of relief.
We snuggle like that for a few more minutes until I know she’s fully calmed down. I know she’s exhausted because she doesn’t even fight me when I carry her to the bathroom and clean her all up, wincing at the red welts that will likely still be present in the morning.
That’s just going to be something that we deal with tomorrow.
After I’m satisfied that she’s clean, even making her pee so she doesn’t get a UTI, I wrap her in a fluffy robe and carry her up the stairs all the way to my bedroom.
And I don’t let go of her all night long.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Luka
After I got out of prison, I swore I’d never open myself up to heartbreak ever again. With the exception of my family, I kept everyone at arm’s length. I swore to never let myself be in a position to get hurt like that ever again.
I didn’t date, only engaged in casual hookups I screened online, always with a contract in place so that they never got the wrong idea. It wasn’t hard to stay unattached, not in the least bit. I was so blinded by my bitterness and betrayal, I didn’t think it was possible to fall in love.
I was emotionally stunted, selfish, and had nothing to offer when it came to relationships. And that’s exactly how I liked it.
It certainly made things easier for me to finish my schooling in record time. Unlike my peers, I wasn’t distracted from my goals. I didn’t have a girlfriend who needed attention or the addition of anyone’s emotional baggage to carry.
That freedom and detachment wasn’t without its downsides. I was lonely, no doubt, but the ache of my broken heart outweighed everything else. When it came down to it, I’d do justabout anything to protect myself from ever getting hurt like that again.
And that’s how I created L.O.K.I., my AI companion and best friend. His loyalty is literally written into his code.
I was so scared of being abandoned again that I created an AI for my house to fill my emotional needs.
So you can imagine my surprise when Scout showed back up, the very person who ripped this hole in my heart to begin with, and instead of pushing her away, I wanted to help.
I married her for Christ’s sake.
I told myself it was because I wanted to hurt her father, to take away the only thing from him he could never replace, his perfect angel with her white as snow reputation. But the truth is, when it comes to Scout, I never stood a chance. My heart was always hers to break.
