Page 103 of Don't Call Me Daddy
I suck in another sob, my eyes blurry with tears, and now, I’m crying for a whole new reason. Why did I have to meet my perfect person at the worst possible time? It’s a cruel joke, and it makes me wonder what I did so bad to deserve it. Losing my sister and the love of my life in the same lifetime feels brutally unfair, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to get back in the ring after this.
“I might be a cruel bastard, but I’d go to the ends of the earth, crawl through hot coals and shards of glass, just to make you smile. You’ve lost so much in life already, baby girl. There’s no fucking way I could live with myself if I took your future from you too.”
He slides my soda toward me and holds out my straw for me to take a sip.
“Now, let’s enjoy the rest of our lunch. We can worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes, but right now, you’re still mine, and I’d like to hold on to that feeling for as long as I can. Okay?”
“Okay.” I nod, feeling slightly better.
I can’t explain it, but I’ve never had anyone tell me that their feelings weren’t my responsibility. I’ve always been the one to clean up everyone’s emotional mess, to carry the burden of cheering them up when they were down, to keep the peace between my parents. Ever since I was a little girl, I felt this weight to make sure everyone was happy around me. I was the one responsible for cheering our mom up, so she could take care of us and go to work after our dad left. I carried the burden of giving Fern something to hope for, to keep her going during her chemo treatments.
I’ve been the emotional birthday clown to everyone my entire life, carrying the burdens of everyone’s happiness on my shoulders, but I’ve never had anyone tell me they didn’t need me to do it.
Not once has anyone given me permission to only worry about myself the way Leo just did, taking responsibility for his own emotional wellbeing. I feel like a weight’s been lifted off my shoulders as I take in a deep, cleansing breath and wonder if this is how it’s supposed to be.
What would my life look like right now if I hadn’t tried to solve everyone’s problems, throwing myself on the ground so they didn’t have to walk through their own sadness? Would I still be in school? Would I be following my sister’s checklist like a map, letting it guide my every move? Or would I have dreams of my own instead?
“Where are we?”
“Just hold on. Watch your step. We’re almost there.” Leo’s hands cover my eyes as he leads me to my surprise.
We spent the rest of the day doingrealerrands—meeting with Miss Lucy to pick out cookie designs, paying the deposit for the carnival rides, and stopping by the rental place to order enough tables and chairs for the eating spaces and concert area.
Leo was a great sport about it, never complaining. I even saw him decline a last-minute meeting request. Of course, I didn’t call attention to it, but it gave me a warm, fuzzy feeling in my chest. I can’t believe how far he’s come, but at the same time, I feel like I’m finally seeing the real Leo, the man he’s been too afraid to show the world.
“Here we are,” he says as he removes his hands.
We’re standing in front of a massive chain-link fence somewhere in the middle of Phantom’s Reach. Behind the fence, I can see what looks like an old mine with a dilapidated building beside it, and there’s a small railroad-looking track that spans from inside the cave to the back of the building.
My eyes take in the No Trespassing sign that Leo’s standing beside, and I narrow my eyes in confusion.
“Do we have an appointment to be murdered I don’t know about?”
He laughs and rubs my tense shoulders, and I close my eyes, relaxing into his touch.
God, I didn’t realize how tense I had been, trying to plan everything for this festival. I started out doing this for Fern, but after getting my hands dirty and seeing my vision come together, I want to do it for me too. All of a sudden, I find myself feeling motivated to finish something—to know that I’m capable of following through with a commitment even if it’s just a festival. It’s one small thing I can move to my own nonexistent list of accomplishments, one thing I can do forme.
“This is the largest mine in Ashford Falls. It’s the place where the Phantom was first sighted. I thought you’d want to see it—you know, for your sister’s list,” he says with a shrug, then holds out his hand to me.
A knot forms in my throat, and I try to swallow it down, but it’s lodged in there, like I just took a pill without anything to drink.
I blink several times, glancing from the clear signage that states it’s illegal to enter and back to Leo.
“Don’t tell me you’re afraid because I’ve been hyping myself up for this all day.”
I shake my head. “Why? I don’t get it. I thought you were afraid of the dark or something, and you were so freaked out when your brother was telling the Phantom story. Isn’t that what your brothers were teasing you about?”
He shrugs, trying his best to look unbothered. “I’d say I’m more claustrophobic than afraid of the dark.” He walks toward me and takes my hand. “Look, I know this was on your list, and I want to help you check off as much as you can before you leave …” He scratches the back of his neck, looking down. “And I can’t imagine how hard this is for you or how much pressure you’re probably feeling about finding the perfect spot for your sister’s ashes … so I figured I’d try to help.” He looks up to meet my eyes. “I put your sister’s ashes in the car this morning, and I thought maybe this would be a good place—no pressure or anything. I just don’t want you to feel rushed … since we only have a few days left.”
I push my hand through my hair as I begin to pace back and forth. Overwhelmed by so many emotions all at once. “Leo, that’s …” My voice trails off as I try to figure out what to say.
“Please don’t feel like I’m pressuring you. I’m only trying to help, offering you whatever support I can. We don’t have to go in. I just knew it was on the list and?—”
My feet come to a stop, and I spin to face him. “Thank you. You have no idea how much this means to me. Fern would love this so much …”
He shoves his hands in the pockets of his purple sweatpants and nudges his head toward the car. “Good. I’ll just go grab your sister then. Be right back.”
When he jogs away, I can’t help but crack a smile at the absurdity of it all. Never in a million years could I have expected to end up here, but I guess Ferny’s been working her magic this whole time.
