Page 128 of Don't Call Me Daddy
I replay the last words she spoke to me as I was hugging her goodbye.“I have to go now, Ivy, but I want you to know that I’m ready, and I think you finally are too.”
Then, she just disappeared, and I woke up.
Leaning against the headboard, I let out a sigh and slurp my hot coffee that’s perfectly sweetened, just as Leo walks in from the bathroom, freshly shaven. He’s dressed in a black T-shirt that hugs his chest and khaki shorts that show off his incredible thighs, and the sight of him has my mouth watering.
I catch a whiff of his aftershave as he approaches, his lips twitching to hold back a smile. I haven’t seen myself, but I’d be willing to bet I’ve got some wicked bedhead going on after how hard I slept last night.
“I’m going to finish up a few things in my office. I went ahead and laid out some comfy clothes for you, and I’ve already got your bags packed and loaded in the trunk of my car.” He bends down to kiss the top of my head, his hand cradling the back of my neck as he says, “I had to pull a few strings, but I was able to get you on the next flight out to Romania. We’ll need to leave no later than noon to get through security on time.”
My heart starts to race as a fresh wave of anxiety rips through me. I glance at the clock and let out a sigh of relief, realizing we still have time. “Do you think we could leave in about an hour? There’s something I need to do before I go.”
He nods, pursing his lips. “Just say the word.”
I sink back down in the bed as I watch him disappear through the doorway, holding on to my sister’s message like a lifeline.
What if I’m making the wrong choice?
Ferny, please tell me what I should do.
“Are you sure about this?” Leo’s green eyes stare back at me, filled with worry and concern as he passes me the urn.
We’re standing in front of the biggest of the seven waterfalls as the sound of crashing water fills the otherwise silent space between us. There’s no heaviness this time, and I feel a sense of calm and safety that I know is from Leo.
I give him a silent nod as a sense of peace washes over me, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is what she would’ve wanted because she told me last night. It was so real, and there isn’t a cell in my body that doesn’t believe it was really her, that someway, somehow, she managed to visit me. My sister defied space and time just to reassure me that we were both finally ready … and now that I know she’s capable ofthat, she’d better know I expect her to do it again.
I hold the small urn against my chest, the one I’ve carried around with me everywhere I’ve moved for the last five years, pressing it firmly against my heart with only the denim of my overalls and my sister’s list between.
I think back to the little girl I talked to the morning of the festival, remembering what she told me and how I could still talk to my sister.
Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath, holding it for a few seconds as I cross my fingers over my heart. I think of my sister’s smiling face, her gray eyes, and her dark humor as I tell her how much I love her, and in that moment, it feels like she’s right next to me.
I finally let myself exhale, feeling my shoulders sag in relief, and when I open my eyes, all the pain dulls. It’s still there—I don’t think it’s possible for it ever not to be—but rather thanemptiness, I feel more nostalgic. It’s like I’m remembering the best of times with fondness, of someone who’s lived a full life and doesn’t have a single regret.
It feels like peace.
“I love you, Ferny, and I’m so grateful for this wild list you dreamed up that’s led me to all these incredible adventures. I get it now, why you made the list and why you insisted I complete it without you. You wanted to push me out of my comfort zone, and you knew I needed something to help me process my grief. You didn’t want me to fall complacent and settle like our parents, and you didn’t want me to stop living my life just because I didn’t have you by my side, calling the shots.”
I laugh and wipe a tear from my eye as Leo stands beside me, my strong, dependable rock.
“I miss you so damn much. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about you, and I used to think that meant I was doing it wrong, that I was grieving wrong. I ran from the pain of missing you and filled my life with distraction after distraction just to keep some of the grief at bay.
“But now, I realize, grief isn’t something you can run from … it always catches you eventually. I thought I could ignore the pain, and it’d fade like an old scar over time, but the more I tried, the more painful it was to remember you. Then, I dived headfirst into your list and thought that was the way to the other side of my grief.
“I thought if I could just do all the things you wanted to do, then maybe I’d keep your memory alive and feel closer to you at the same time. And I did for a while. I tried things I never would’ve done on my own, traveled places I wouldn’t have known to look for, and met some pretty amazing people along the way.”
I look at Leo, who looks at me with an intensity that borders obsessive, and my heart does a little somersault in my chestbecause I feel the same way about him. It feels like a dream come true, a dream I never even knew I had.
“Thank you for pushing me out of my comfort zone, Ferny. Thank you for giving me a road map to get started. Thank you for always taking care of me and looking out for me—and I know you still do because you led me here.”
I open the urn and hold it out over the water. “Goodbye, twin sister. I love you so much, and I promise to always live a life that makes you proud.”
As I pour the ashes into the water, I expect the familiar ache of sadness to knock me off my feet, but instead I’m filled with a relief I’ve never known. Warmth spreads through me like a balm on a wound, soothing the cracks and holes in my broken heart.
Leo squeezes my shoulder. “I’m proud of you, Ivy, and I know Fern is too. I hope you’re proud of yourself for how far you’ve come.”
Wiping the fresh tears from my cheeks that I didn’t even realize had fallen, I nod. “I really am.”
I pull the list from the pocket of my overalls and unfold it, staring down at the final box left unchecked.
