Page 97 of Pretty Please Me
That was one of the last things she said to me, and it took too many years for that little piece of wisdom to sink into my hard head.
My ears perk up when I hear the woosh of an engine in the distance. I glance around for the source of the noise, thinking it’s probably just an eighteen-wheeler, when I see a large bus fly by and merge onto the highway.
My eyes go wide as I look at Jamie. “Come on. Let’s go. That could be it!”
“Okay, let me just finish filling up the tank–”
I snatch the gas pump out of the tank and shove it back in the holder. “We don’t have time for that. Let’s go before we miss them!”
I run around the back of the van and climb into the passenger side, slipping on the icy concrete beneath my feet. Jamie turns the keys in the engine, and it makes a sad puttering sound.
“What was that?” My voice comes out panicked.
Jamie mumbles under his breath, “She can be finicky when the gas gets too low.” He looks at me like I’m an idiot, even though he’s the one using pronouns for his Red Vine Van. “That’s why I wanted to fill up.”
I reach over and turn the key myself, swearing under my breath as Jamie slaps my hand in protest. I don’t relent though, and after a few turns, Van-essa finally comes to life.
“Keep your paws off.” Jamie gives me a final slap before peeling out of the gas station.
“Just go, hurry up before we lose them!” I hold the oh-shit handle as Jamie swerves onto the highway and lays on the gas.
It feels as if every tire is a different height as the van shakes in an unnatural rhythm as we gain speed. I can’t believe we’ve survived this long, and I have half a mind to drive Van-essa into a ditch and buy my brother a new vehicle before he attempts to return home.
Several minutes pass before the large bus finally comes into view. I squint my eyes as we get closer and compare the license plate number to the one Benjamin sent me.
“That’s it!VN76-T5.That’s the bus!”
Jamie lays on the gas and pulls up next to the bus, matching its speed. “Ok, now, what?”
“I think we need to get their attention, get them to pull over?” I shrug. I didn’t really plan out what to do if we actually caught up to them. I roll down my window and wave, trying to flag down the driver, but he’s not paying attention. He’s fully immersed in whatever song he’s singing, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel like a drum set.
“Maybe you should moon him?”
I whip around at Jamie’s suggestion. “How would that get his attention?”
“I don’t know, I feel like people can sense nudity. It’s in our nature.”
“I’m not mooning a bus full of strangers.”
“A bus full of strangers and the love of your life… All I’m saying is it’s never not worked for me…”
“Because you’ve done this before!?” I snap as I wave my arms through the window, but the driver doesn’t even flinch.
“Trust me, bro, I’m like a sensei when it comes to getting people’s attention.” Jamie circles his hand around his mulleted head.
I bite my lip and consider him for a moment, then Drew says. “Fuck it. I’ll moon them.”
Before I can argue, he’s got his pants dropped around his ankles with his bare ass sticking out the window.
“Fuck, it’s cold out there! I think my ding dong’s getting frostbite!”
And just as Jamie said, I see the bus driver jerk the wheel in a startle as he looks at Drew’s bare ass…
Jamie punches the air in excitement. “I told you! Humans can sense nudity. It’s simple evolution…”
I shake my head in astonishment. It’s not anything I would’ve considered, but a win is a win. I wave my arms in a windshield-wiper motion and scream for him to pull over the bus.
Phase one of the plan is complete.
