Page 78 of Pretty Please Me
I nod, encouraging him to go on.
“When I was in high school, I had this girlfriend. We dated for all four years, and I was madly in love with her. After graduation, I sat my parents down and told them I was going to propose. My dad warned me against it, said I had all the time in the world, and didn’t understand what the rush was. But I couldn’t describe how I felt. I just knew I needed her like I needed my next breath. Anyway, I was going to propose. I saved up all my money over the summer working on my dad’s construction crew and bought a nice little diamond ring.” He paused for a moment before continuing, “I was on my way to her house to surprise her with a picnic on the beach and a proposal when I saw her making out in her bedroom window with my best friend. It fucking hurt. Everything in me fucking hurt, and I saw red as my heart burst into a million pieces. Blinded by rage, I picked up a rock and threw it at the window, and broke it. The glass shards cut both of them, but a piece hit her in the eye. She had to have surgery and almost lost her vision.” He looks down at his shaking hands, gripped into fists.
“I just meant to get their attention. Let them know I saw them. I didn’t realize how hard I threw the rock. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone…”
“Oh, Sam.” I take his shaking fist, covering it between my hands.
“Her parents were furious. They sued my family for medical expenses and dragged out the whole ordeal in court for years. My dad had to refinance the house and almost lost his business.” He shakes his head. “After that, I found out she’d been sleeping with him behind my back for almost a year. Their family played up the injury and painted me as a criminal, dragging my family's name through the mud. I’ve never forgiven myself for being so stupid and weak. After that, I went to the farthest college I could get into and never looked back.” He sighed. “For the longest time, I didn’t date, didn’t trust myself to fall in love ever again because I didn’t trust myself to be so lost in someone else. Then I discovered BDSM and found comfort in the dominant/submissive lifestyle. I knew it was the only way I could let myself get involved with women. If I could control the relationship with rules and clear expectations from both parties, then that’s the only way I could allow myself to be with a woman.” His eyes, rimmed with tears, search mine as his confession hangs in the space between us.
Suddenly, it all makes sense. Sam isn’t being cruel by keeping a barrier between us. He’s protecting me from the ugliest parts of himself, or so he thinks. I place my hand on his pounding heart and unbutton his shirt revealing the tattoos painted across his skin. “Is that what this is for?” I trace the image of a dagger stabbed through a heart, a snake threatening to bite coiled around his shoulder disappearing behind his arm, an eye with tears streaming down. It’s as if he’s branded himself with reminders of every painful memory of his past.
He nods. “They remind me what I have to lose if I lose myself again. Plus, there are some fun ones, too.” His lips pull into a half smile, but it doesn’t meet his eyes.
“You made a mistake, Sam. You need to forgive yourself and stop punishing yourself for something you did when you were a kid. No matter how horrible the consequences were. You’re not that hurt kid anymore. You’re so much stronger and wiser. You are a good person–”
“I’m not a good person, Magnolia. I’m a selfish bastard, and I’ve made peace with it.” He kisses the top of my hand, his lips lingering. “You, on the other hand, are the sweetest soul I’ve ever met. I don’t know how I got so lucky that you’d ask me for my help, but if you take anything away from our time together, I hope you realize your worth. I hope you never settle for anything less than perfect, on paper and otherwise.”
I don’t know what to say. Sam’s confession feels like the final line in the sand between us. Sadness washes over me as I look into his warm brown eyes that are so opposite to mine. “I’m not ready for this to be over,” I confess with a whisper.
“Then let’s just enjoy the time we have left and stop thinking about the timeline.” He jumps up and pulls me with him. “Come on. I’ve got an idea.”
“Where are we going?” I ask as I try to keep his hurried pace in the sinking sand.
“You’ll see.” He grins and winks.
I follow him like a love-sick puppy down the beach, even though all the warning lights and sirens in my brain flash for me to stop before it’s too late. But I know it’s already too late. I’ve fallen in love with my best friend, my dominant whom I signed a contract clearly stating that this will never work between us. I’ve already dove headfirst into the deep end. I just hope I can walk away in one piece.
I’ll just have to worry about that later.
TWENTY-NINE
Maggie
“What do you think?” Sam shouts over the loud music as we sit in an old beach bar, a sticky wooden table between us. The sound crew is setting up a small stage just in front of us as the speaker overhead plays a mix of nineties alternative and early two thousand’s pop punk.
When the server comes over and places our drinks in front of us, Sam orders a platter of oysters. “What is this place?” I ask after she leaves.
“This is only the best bar on this side of the panhandle.” Sam stirs his mixed drink with his straw and then slides it to the side. “Thursdays are emo night,” he says with a wink.
Dashboard Confessional plays over the speakers, and I feel a strange pang of nostalgia in my chest. It’s odd. There aren’t many things I feel nostalgic over, but the music almost makes me feel like I’ve stepped back in time, reliving a memory or perhaps making a new one that never had the chance of being.
“There’s this cover band. They know everything, and they're pretty good. They play back up for the karaoke singers, so even if they suck, it still feels like you’re at a concert,” he tells me over the music.
My palms immediately start sweating at the mention of karaoke, and I wipe them on my shirt. I take another sip of my mixed drink, letting myself get lost in the lyrics as Sam’s confession plays on repeat in the back of my mind.
“You got room for two more?”
I look up to see Jamie and Drew dressed in the cheesiest short sleeve, beachy button-up shirts and shorts that look almost too short to be men’s but are strangely flattering on their muscular builds.
They sit down in unison before Sam can answer, and I see the look of amused annoyance in his eyes. He may act like he can’t stand his little brothers, but a piece of him is happy to spend time with them, even if it means they’re crashing whatever kind of date we’re on.
Our server comes back with oysters, and Drew and Jamie dig in. “Could you put in another order of these and maybe a basket of cheese fries?” Sam asks patiently.
“Maggie, I think you’re going to need to get your eyes checked,” Jamie says as he sucks juice from his fingers between bites. “We tore that whole room apart and didn’t see a trace of a rat.” His smile breaks into a wicked grin as he holds up my phone. “I did find this, though, and damn girl… I didn’t mean to see, but you left the screen open.” He giggles and elbows Drew, who appears to be trying to conceal his own laughter.
“What is it?” Sam asks before taking the phone.
“It’s nothing. It’s just–” I start to explain, but his eyes go wide as he sees the dick pic.
