Page 42 of Pretty Please Me
I look up at the wall that’s easily three times as tall and far more difficult than the kiddie wall and then back to Sam. “Do I have to make it all the way to the top?”
He scans me up and down and moves closer, pulling my hair to one side, so I feel his breath tickling my neck. “I’ll tell you what. Why don’t you start climbing and just do as I say? If I don’t think you can do it, I’ll tell you to come down.” He pauses and nods his head at the wall. “But you don’t stop climbing until I tell you to, do you understand?”
And just like that, I know my dom is back, and my friend is long gone. This isn’t just a fun day at the rock-climbing gym anymore, this is a lesson in submission, and for some reason that I don’t quite understand, I really want to please him.
“Yes, sir.” I reach for the first rock, surprised by how narrow it is. I can’t grip my whole hand around this one like the last time, so I have to use my fingertips.
I do my best to leverage my weight up with my legs since it’s easier to balance with my feet as I move up the wall. My arms shake as I push myself, using muscles I didn’t even know I had. I start to slow when I get about halfway up, pausing to catch my breath.
“You’re doing great, Maggie,” Sam calls. “But you’re not even close to being done. Take a break, catch your breath, and keep going.”
I look up, seeing I’ve still got a way to go, and then down to measure how far I’ve climbed. Bad idea. That was a very bad idea.
I swallow the lump in my throat as my body begins to quiver with exhaustion and pure terror.
“Sam! I don’t think I can do this!” I yell, my face smashed flat against the wall as I cling to the small rocks.
“You can do it. Keep going!” he calls back.
I shake my head as my breath begins to quicken. “No, I don’t think you understand. I think I’m tapped out. Can I please come down?” I beg and hold my breath as I wait for his response.
“No. You cannot,” he calls. “You’re so close, Maggie. You’re strong enough. You’ve got the strength and agility already to do this. You just need to believe in yourself. You’re stronger than your fear. I can’t do it for you. You have to dig down deep and pull it out of yourself.”
I breathe deeply, listening to his encouragement and calming my racing heart. I want to make him proud; I want to show him that I can do it. I release my left hand and shake it out, then look ahead for my next rock. I choose one slightly out of reach and stretch my arm as I push myself up on my toes. When I make contact, I transition my weight and push myself higher with my feet, finding my next step.
“Thatta girl!” Sam claps below me, and my heart swells with pride at his praise. It feels so good to make him proud. It’s not a feeling I’ve experienced very often in my life, having someone cheer for me.
A new wave of determination ignites in me as I push myself higher and higher. My muscles scream in protest, but I’m so close to the top.
I pause again to catch my breath and decide my next move when I hear Sam call up to me. “You’re so close, Maggie. You’re so damn close. Don’t you dare drop, or I swear I’ll make you climb the whole thing again.”
My throat tightens as tears burn behind my eyes and I grit my teeth in annoyance because I believe him. I want to cry and give up. Everything hurts, and it’s getting hard to keep my grip as the muscles in my hand spasm. I’m hurting and frustrated. This is stupid, and I don’t know why I care at all. It’s not like I’m doing anything important. It’s a made-up activity that people do for fun. It’s supposed to be a fun workout, not some life-altering rite of passage. But that’s exactly how it feels, like a rite of passage.
As I inch myself up a little farther, my foot slips from underneath me. My fingertips tighten their grip, catching all of my weight reflexively, and my heart races from my near fall. That was close. Too close. I move my feet around until I find better footing and let myself calm down.
It’s at that moment, as I’m sweaty and shaking, pressed against that rock wall, that I realize why this feels so important to me. It’s not because I don’t want to disappoint Sam. The wall is just a metaphor for everything I’ve had stacked against me in my life, and I’ll never know what waits for me at the top unless I conquer it. I imagine all the people who’ve caused me pain standing at the bottom, booing and mocking me, waiting for me to fall. The foster parents, the kids at school who teased me and pretended like I didn’t exist, and all the men who hurt me and shamed me into thinking something was wrong with me.
All the pain that had torn me down and prevented me from healing turns into my fuel.
I close my eyes and calm my mind as everything goes still, and the world falls away. I don’t think about Sam standing at the bottom waiting for me or anything he says to cheer me on. It’s only me and this man-made mountain, and I’m going to give it everything I’ve got.
With renewed determination, I bite my lip as I reach for the next rock, slowly inching myself higher and higher. The only sounds I hear are my heavy breaths, and I focus all my energy on moving my body up that wall. After what feels like hours, I finally see the last rock within my reach. I take a deep breath and push myself harder than I thought possible. My fingers cling to the small stone, and I finish the climb, only satisfied when my hand grips the rope and I hear the sharp ding of the bell.
I don’t want to let go. This moment is so much bigger than a rock wall. I found the courage to see my pain for what it was and to finally release it. The sound of the bell is a sweet reminder of letting go of the past and moving forward to all that life has to offer.
I look down and see Sam’s arms lifted high, clapping and cheering me on as if it was his plan all along… and I wouldn’t be surprised if it were.
I propel myself down the wall, the feeling of butterflies a reward rather than a caution sign, and Sam scoops me up into a hug before my feet can touch the ground. He squeezes me tight, holding my head against him protectively as he whispers, “I am so fucking proud of you, Magnolia. You’re fucking incredible. I hope you’re starting to realize that.”
The tears are back, flowing hot and fast down my cheeks like a release valve from every pent-up emotion in my body. I soak in Sam’s adorning hug.
“Come on, gorgeous. Let’s get cleaned up. I’ve got another surprise for you tonight.”
SEVENTEEN
Sam
After leaving the climbing gym, I drop Maggie off at home and tell her I need to get some supplies for our surprise date tonight. I spend the rest of the afternoon running around town to different sporting goods stores until I check everything off my list.
