Page 22 of Wild for You
“There you go, Dubbies, an easy fire anyone can make. See you soon.” I click off the camera and tuck it back in my bag, grabbing the pot to start boiling the water so we can drink it safely.
“What’s that for? Are you making fish soup now? Because I draw the line at fish soup!”
“To purify the water, obviously.” I walk over to the pond and fill the pot, placing it over my new bamboo grate.
“What do you mean, purify the water?” Gwen’s eyes me in confusion. “It’s crystal clear. I can see the bottom twenty feet down.” She laughs.
“Babe, please tell me you didn’t drink the water already?” My face is stern, and my heart begins to race with worry.
“Of course, I drank the water, Jack!” She snaps, “We hiked like five miles up the side of a mountain, and it’s a million degrees outside and humid as shit. What’s the big deal?”
I clench my teeth and grimace. “The big deal is that you’ve probably ingested some form of parasites, and you’re likely going to be shitting your pants pretty soon,” I say bluntly. “I mean, that would be the best case scenario.”
“You’re joking.” She looks around as if I’ve got a hidden camera and I’m pulling some crazy prank on her, which is ridiculous because, as far as I can tell, we are literally the only ones on this island.
“Nope.” I push myself to a stand, brushing loose wet sand from my shorts. “Can you just stay here and watch the water while I search for some papaya and coconuts?”
“You’re serious?” she asks again.
“Yes. Serious as a heart attack. Let that water boil for two minutes before you remove it from the heat and transfer it into those bottles. I’ll be back as fast as I can.”
“You’ve got to be shitting me!” she screams and falls back onto the ground, covering her eyes with her arm.
“Sorry, babe, but the only one that’ll be shitting soon is you.” I grab my backpack and toss her a small package of tissues. “Enjoy the plushy softness while it lasts because, once this is gone, you’ll have to use leaves, which unfortunately are not so pleasant.” I walk to the tree line and turn back before I forget. “Oh, and make sure you shit far enough away from camp, so you don’t attract predators to us tonight.”
“Fuck my life!” she screams into her hands, and I walk away silently laughing. Although I do feel bad. That’s survival 101 … Clearly, Gwen didn’t do her homework and stalk my channel before coming out here, and now she’s going to pay for it.
* * *
It’s been nearlytwo hours, and I’ve managed to find a few fallen coconuts and, surprisingly, several papayas that I had to climb twenty feet to get. They’re not all the way ripe, but for our purposes, they’ll do just fine.
As I approach the campsite, I hear the groans of a woman pleading for her life, which can only mean one thing; the diarrhea kicked in.
I smirk because this is actually funny as hell, and she better know I’m making a lesson of it to my audience. “Hey, Gwenny, everything coming out all right?” I call in her direction.
“Fuck you, wild man!”
I laugh and get to work, cutting open the papaya with my small pocket knife and scooping out the seeds into the shell of an old coconut. She’s not going to like this, and it’ll likely make it worse before it’s better, but I’ll feel better knowing we can nip this in the bud, and she won’t have any lingering effects for the rest of our time here.
I see the leaves moving around before her pale face appears above the branches, happy to see that she at least listened to me and went away from the campsite. “Come over here. I’ve got a little something that’ll help take the edge off.”
She waddles over and plops down on the ground next to me, her eyes bloodshot and her body shaking like a leaf. Diarrhea isn’t good under any circumstances, but when you’re dehydrated with a minimal amount of food and her being as tiny as she is, I’m actually growing more concerned.
“Kill me now,” she cries. “Jack, I think I just shit out everything in my body. Surely there’s nothing left, and yet—” She throws her head in my lap, and I’m surprised by her vulnerability. She must really be hurting.
“Hey, babe, I know you don’t feel like it, but I need you to eat these papaya seeds. They’re going to taste bitter as fuck, but you need to chew them all the way. It’s going to kill whatever bugs you have living in there.” I rub her belly and pass her the coconut shell.
It only takes a little fighting before she relents and does as she’s told. Swearing and spitting between each mouthful. “But … can’t I just swallow it whole.” She winces. “It’s so nasty.”
“I know it’s bitter, but chewing the seeds will give the best antiparasitic properties.”
I pass her the water bottle ofpurified waterand encourage her to drink as much as she can. When she’s done, I start peeling the coconuts, so she can eat the meat. I’ll drink the water since it can also cause diarrhea if not eaten with the right amount of coconut meat. I’m not taking any chances.
“You know I hate coconut, right?” She gingerly takes a bird-sized bite.
“Come on. You’ll have to do better than that.” I cut a decent-sized piece with my pocket knife and pass it to her. “I’ll make a note, no coconut cake at the wedding.”
“Who’s wedding?” she says through a grimace as she gnaws the ripe coconut.
