Page 26 of CTRL+ME
“I’m so fucking sorry. I didn’t mean to leave you without a warning. I would never do that to you purposefully.”
Her eyes are soft, no hint of resentment at all when she looks up at me with the most stunning green gaze I can ever remember seeing.
“I know, I don’t blame you, Josie’s health and safety come first.” She smiles at me, but it doesn’t reach her eyes.
“Yours matters too. You matter so much, more than I can explain after only a few days. I couldn't stop thinking about you and hoping you knew how sorry I was. I wanted you there with us. I know that’s fast, and I’m being really direct?—”
“Stop. I get it.” Lylah’s lips crash against mine while our fingers interlock. The kiss is everything that we both need at this moment. It’s reassurance and exploration all wrapped up in one.
Right on cue, Josie coos, letting us know she’s awake. “Let’s get that sweet girl inside, shall we?”
“Yes, she must be beyond ready to be out of that car seat, and she either needs to eat, or I need to pump.” Lylah’s in the car, unclasping straps and pulling out the car seat like a pro, refusing to let mecarry Josie inside myself. I walk a few steps behind them, and I can’t help but imagine how wonderful it would be to spend forever watching these two together. My beautiful little girl being carried by someone I can finally trust with my mind, my body, my soul, and my family.
TWENTY-ONE
GIRLFRIEND NANNY
LYLAH
My gloved finger is in Josie’s mouth, checking to ensure her tongue tie ended up healing right, even though she got it done a while ago now. “Healed up perfectly, didn’t you, Josie girl?” I smile down at her, and I swear she pulls her little eyebrows together, and I know she’s thinking,Of course I did!
It’s been about a week since the scare with the fever, and you wouldn’t even know she was just in the hospital from whatever random virus got a hold of her. Babies are so resilient, but fuck is it scary when they’re sick.
Much to her annoyance, I start my tapping exercises to get her to be more aware of her mouthand tongue, and then we’re leading into a new food for the day. This part always scares the shit out of Tatum because we’re working with actual food and not purees. I’ve reassured her I have all the training, and she even bought one of the suction devices to use if something were to get lodged in her throat.
Josie picks up the strip of banana, babbling away, when I feel Tatum pressing her front into my back. “Mommy’s trying to distract me from my job, Jo Jo.”
We’re finding our routine, with Tatum working on her cam work and Josie and I staying busy throughout the day. We squeeze in therapy or exercises everywhere we can for Josie’s swallowing therapy, but she’s come so far from what her clinical notes state from when she was just a couple of weeks old.
“You’re so good with her, Lylah.” The sweet sigh of Tatum’s voice in my ear, and the praise is enough to have me blushing. But I keep my focus on the little one in front of me. This is Josie’s time, and as long as Tatum is paying me, I’ll be completing my tasks.
It hasn’t really been my job, per se; it’s more so just helping and being a partner at this point for Tatum. I question daily how the hell she wasdoing all of this on her own. Working, caring for a newborn, and still trying to take care of herself at the same time.
But like most moms, that last one gets left off the to-do list more often than not. That’s where I step in here. Yes, I’m Josie’s nanny, but my saying has always been,when mom’s happy, baby is happy.
And it rings true.
I try to change the subject and bring it back to a safer topic. “Are you done working for the day?”
“For now, I am. I just uploaded our video…” She had to edit the hell out of that one, but watching it back once she was done was one of the hottest things I’ve seen in a long time.
“Are they going crazy over it yet?” I don’t even know why I ask; I know for certain they’re going to.
“I have no clue. My phone’s on do not disturb, and it’s staying that way. I want to spend the rest of the day with my girls.”
Hergirls…
And that we do.
It’s too easy to fall into this blissfulness of Tatum and the life she’s built for herself, but I keep telling myself that this isn’t mine.
Tomorrow, she could easily fire me and move on. Do I think she’s going to do that?
No.
But I hate getting comfortable and opening up when it could all be ripped away from me within the blink of an eye.
“What’s that pretty head of yours worried about? You’re gonna get worry wrinkles with your eyebrows like that,” Tatum jokes, rubbing her thumb between my eyebrows, and I playfully shove at her arm. We’re down on the floor with Josie while she plays with her blocks.
