Page 82 of Blood & Lace
"Why didn't you tell me?"
I shrugged. "You didn't need to know."
"I didn't need to know?" Adam asked. "That my rapist is back in town? Thanks, little bro."
My heart dropped as I spun on my heels. Adam was still on the floor, still staring at the ceiling. I frowned.
"That's not fair. What would bringing him up have done? You would have just been more like"—I waved a hand at him—"this."
"Broken? Fucked up? Pathetic?" Adam pushed.
My hands tightened into fists. "I never said that."
"Didn't have to. You let me know when you're done playing super brother, so I can stop pretending, too."
My stomach tightened. I knew it was part of his sickness. The PTSD, the BPD, the anger, the frustration, the anxiety. The doctor had explained it to me slowly after the last episode. Adam had let him because it was easier to let him do it than to explain what was going on inside his head. That didn't mean it didn't hurt. Didn't mean that every word out of his mouth wasn't like a knife to my lungs.
"I'm… I don't know what to say to that, Adam," I admitted, my throat tight. "What do you want me to do?"
"Kill the bastard."
My heart jumped. Adam didn't know about what I did. I never told him. He would just think he had screwed me up in yet another way. When, really, it had very little to do with him and everything to do with who my father was. I'd already tried to take the asshole out once. But I had failed.
And with my father, if you failed once? It was damn rare you would get another chance.
"I'm kidding, Onyx." Adam sighed as he finally dragged himself up from the floor, his voice flat and empty. "Sorry, I'm being a shitty person." He pushed his fingers into his hair and tugged. "Thanks for the food. I don't need your help after this."
I stiffened. "Adam…"
"I'm not going to fucking kill myself," he said with a roll of his eyes, as if I was the one being unreasonable. "I have a nurse who's going to be coming around to help out a few days a week. You have a job, a life. Go do those things. Stop coming around here, reliving old wounds that are never going to heal."
Adam shuffled toward the bathroom as I was left behind. I stared after him, wanting to run to him and protest. It wasn't him. He couldn't help it. And it wasn't fair that my father was the reason he was like this. But as I took a step toward his bathroom, I stopped myself. I might not be my father, but I was sure it was hard to look at me sometimes.
That thought struck hard, stealing the air from my lungs. I stepped backward once, and then again. This time, I didn't push him. Didn't ask for him to come with me, to let me take care of him, didn't hover and beg him not to walk away. I got the message loud and clear; now that my father was back in town, he didn't want anything to do with me.
I stumbled back like I'd been struck before I turned and left the apartment. The door slammed behind me, and I found myself running. It felt like if I stayed there with him, I would lose what little bit of sanity I had left. I didn't bother with a taxi. Instead, I walked until my legs ached and I was forced to take the subway back home. My chest squeezed the entire time, but I didn't stop moving.
*********************
The bar was packed. People were bumping into each other in torn jeans and messy hair. I slumped in a booth in the back, my hands wrapped around a drink. What it was, I had no idea. I'd just asked the bartender for whatever he had that was strong. Now, I sat there with the amber liquid, a few melting pieces of ice, and my chest aching. I lifted the drink and tilted it back. As it poured down my throat, I went back to thinking of Adam.
What could I do to fix this? My mother had always said my father's sins weren't my own, but it was one thing to hear that and another to feel the stone in my chest every time I saw Adam and knew what had made him the way he was. I gripped my hair as I stared into my glass. And then I threw it back.
I pulled out my burner and dialed Cara. When she picked up, I could already feel myself slurring.
"He's back."
There was a long pause. "Shit," she muttered. "Okay, don't panic."
"Too late."
"If he's back, he's after something. Adam's still hidden. I just rechecked all the shell corporations and security measures the other day, but I can run it again."
"Please."
"You've got it." She paused again. "Onyx, I need you to take a deep breath, babe. You've got this. You know if he's back, then he's either trying to get you or get to you. Don't let him do either."
"I know."
