Page 64 of Shortcake
But I couldn’t have her thinking it was because she wasn’t desirable. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
“Addy,” I said, lowering my voice, just in case Harper’s bedroom door was open. “Addy, look at me.” She flashed a glance at me, looking up from her ratatouille. When I was sure she wasn’t going to look away again, I took a step in, my knee bumping hers gently.
“I need you to understand that when I said it won’t happen again, it’s not because I don’t want it to.”
“Could’ve fooled me.”
My fingers twitched at my side, itching to reach up and brush the smooth skin along her cheek and jaw. “Dating’s just not in the cards for me. In the sixteen years since Harper’s birth, I can count the number of women I’ve dated on one hand.” And all but one of them had been first dates.
“Why? I mean… why is dating not in the cards for you?”
It was a fair question. Lots of single parents dated successfully. Many went on to marry… or remarry. They have dates and sex lives and friends they grab beers with after work. “The guilt weighs pretty heavily on me, I guess.”
“Guilt? Wait…” She poked me playfully in the arm. Even though the contact was quick, fleeting, and light-hearted, the place where she touched me heated. “Are you Catholic?”
I am Catholic, but this had nothing to do with religion. I smiled, shaking my head. “Notthatkind of guilt. I mean, for years, my mother would help with Harper. I worked long, weird hours. I rarely got to tuck my daughter in for bed. How selfish would I be to spend what little free time I did have getting to know another woman? Or having casual sex? And I’ve seen what’s on the other side when a relationship goes south quickly. I’ve seen firsthand that happily ever after doesn’t exist. Notreally.You're happy… until the next bad thing happens. Then you’re miserable for a while. If you’re one of the lucky couples, you’re together until one of you dies.”
Which in my line of business? I had a higher likelihood than most of dying young.
Another reason to move out of Brooklyn. Putting my life at risk every day on the job didn’t feel quite as terrifying when my mother was in the picture to take care of Harper if something happened to me. But now? She’d have no one. Maybe she’d get lucky enough that Meghan would take custody, but honestly, there was no guarantee her mother would step up to the plate. Especially since she’d signed away her parental rights back when Harper was an infant.
I loved my career choice. And I needed it… but preferably in an area where I’d have a better mortality rate on the job. Maple Grove seemed like just the spot.
“Oh my God, that isbleak!” Addy snapped, her brow furrowing. “Are you seriously telling me you don’t believe in love? That you think life is a series of awful tragedies strung together with intermittent, rare moments of joy and love?”
I swallowed and blinked, spinning away to get myself a glass of water, unable to look at her. Looking at Addy was like looking directly into the sun. Not because she was some sort of walking ball of happiness and cheer… she was kind of the opposite. But she burned bright and hot. She produced energy and fire and heat. And looking right at her for too long was bound to hurt me.
Shewas bound to hurt me.
Hell, it had already happened once when I called her two and a half years ago to check on her, only to have some guy answer at one in the morning.
I’d hung up and never tried to call again.
I was desperate to make my point. Desperate to win this battle. Because losing wasn’t an option. Losing meant I’d crack, that she’d win me over. That she’d convince me to try.
It couldn’t happen.
It wouldn’t happen.
“I believe that love exists. I love Harper. I love Harper so much ithurts. And I wouldn’t trade her for the world. But loving my daughter isn’t a choice. It’s like breathing. Without it—without loving her—I can’t survive. And if I’m being honest, I love her so much, that sometimes it’s painful. So why would I choose it with someone who isn’t family?”
“Basically, you believe that if love with anyone who isn’t family is a choice, you should always choose no?”
I pressed my lips together, not answering. That was one hundred percent what I believed. But hearing it from Addy made it sound so damn depressing.
“And what about sex?” Addy pressed.
I nearly did a spit take of my water. I did not expect that blunt of a question to come out of her mouth.
“What about it?”
“You can live without sex?”
My mouth went dry despite the eight ounces of water I’d just downed. “You don’t need love for sex,” I said, whispering.
Her expression went hard and she gestured up and down at herself. “Clearly.”
“That’snotwhat I meant. You were different. I didn’t plan for that night to happen. I never expected anyone as beautiful and incredible as you to give me a second look, let alone ask me back to your room. Besides, we were both sad that night. And you made it clear that we were simply each other’s distractions.”
