Page 141 of Shortcake
And while that day that Addy and I declared our love for each other had been, if only for a moment, the happiest of my life next to the day Harper was born… immediately after, a dark sense of panic and dread fell over me.
Love meant loss.
It meant losing Addy wouldn’t just be hard… it would be impossible.
When I didn’t answer right away, Harper’s voice cracked. “It’s because of me, isn’t it? Because I threw a tantrum and ran away?”
In a movement so fully involuntary, I jerked my head to her and the whole boat jostled, certainly sending any fish who may have been left near us fleeing. “What makes you say that?”
Tears fell from her cheeks freely and she didn’t bother wiping them away. “Because it’s the truth! Everything was fine until I found out and made it all about me. But, Dad, me running away had way more to do with Mom! I love Addy. I want her around. And I want you to be happy. You were happier with Addy than I had seen you in years. Actually, we both were.”
As she spun to face me, her grip on her fishing rod must have slipped and it fell right into the lake with asplunk!
“And now I lost my fishing rod!” Harper wailed and lunged for it, nearly tipping the boat over in the process.
“Harper,” I grabbed her gently, pulling her into my arms as she cried. “That rod was twenty bucks at Walmart. We can buy another.” Her body shook against me as she cried. “You want the truth?” I asked, my voice rocky.
With a snotty sniffle, Harper pulled back and nodded up at me.
“Okay. Here’s the truth. You’re right. It wasn’t mutual. I ended it with Addy because it was clear to me that you weren’t okay. You haven’t been okay in a while. And while Addy is very special,youare my everything. You are my heart. You are my soul. You are my life. And if our relationship ending makes you this sad after only knowing Addy a couple of months? How heartbroken would you be after a year? Or two years? Five years, even?”
Harper inhaled deeply, her blue eyes glistening with the reflection of the rippling lake water. “How heartbroken wouldIbe? Or how heartbroken wouldyoube?”
I stiffened with her words, so similar to Addy’s questions the day I ended it.
“I’m not afraid of the pain, Dad. I might not channel it well yet, but come on! I’msixteen. At least I’m letting my feelings out and not pretending I don’t have them. I’m going to be heading off to college or … or somewhere in a couple of years, dad. Then what? You’re just going to be alone forever? Watch from the sidelines while I go off and start a new life? A new family?”
Her words speared me. Had she been talking with Addy secretly behind my back? Their thoughts were so similar.
“No.” I leaned forward and cupped my daughter’s jaw tenderly. “We’ll both know when we’re ready to move on.”
“I am ready to move on. I know I sort of freaked out when I found you two together, but that was more because I was mad you were hiding it from me. And because for a second I thought maybe Addy had just been using me to get to you. But after talking with her on the roof, I knew that wasn’t true. I can’t believe I eventhoughtit about her.”
Oh boy. I ran my thumb over Harper’s cheek once more; a cheek that used to be so pudgy and pinchable. The baby fat had all but disappeared, in its place, high cheekbones that a supermodel would envy. When the hell did my baby girl grow up so much?
I leaned back, rubbing my hands over my face. “I can’t believe I’m about to admit this, especially to my sixteen-year-old daughter,” I croaked, my voice tight and thick like my throat was closing.
Harper waited patiently while I pulled my thoughts together. But… I couldn’t. I couldn’t get the words out. Even just saying it out loud was terrifying.
Then, I felt a hand squeeze mine and when I looked up, Harper was there for me. Holding my hand. “Come on, Dad,” she coaxed. “Remember our pact. When you’re holding a fishing pole, you have to tell the truth.” Her voice is delicate and tender, trembling a little at the end.
But if there’s one thing I’d learned, it was that that was okay. It was okay to show that vulnerability, especially to Harper. I thought I had to hide my fear, hide my sadness from her. Like somehow, her seeing that I had emotions would hurt her more.
But the truth was, seeing healthy expressions of emotions was what Harper needed. Especially from me.
And if I didn’t unleash my own feelings, I was going to explode, too.
“I’m scared.” The words strained in my throat, but I got them out. And once I started talking, the rest flowed freely. “I’m scared to love Addy. I’m scared that she’s going to hurt me or worse, hurt you. It was hard enough watching your mother walk out the door all those years ago. I watched her leave. I watched as she packed her bags, holding your tiny little body in my arms the whole time. And I remember not shedding a tear. Not crying, even once about it. Because I knew I had to stay strong for the sake of this tiny, perfect human in my arms. But with Addy? It wouldn’t just be hard. I think… I think it would destroy me. And if she left because of something I did? I’m terrified that it would destroyus. Because I see how much you love her, too.”
I shifted in the boat, looking up just in time to see more tears falling down my daughter’s face. “See?” I grumbled, my voice cracking. “Despite the fishing rod of truth, I shouldn’t be telling you this. You're my daughter. It’s not your job to comfort or guide me in any of this. Your job is to be a kid. Get good grades. Have your first kiss—”
Harper’s snort interrupted me, right along with her eye roll. “That ship sailed when I was thirteen, Dad.”
Thirteen!? Her first kiss was at thirteen fucking years old? I wanted to roar, stand up and just swim back to shore.
But that wasn’t our deal. These fishing trips were safe zones. And I had to stick to that. I had toat leastget this right.
“Dad, who do you usually talk to about this stuff?”
