Page 61 of Sugarlips
She didn’t look over, or meet my stare, but kept her hands clenched on the wheel and her eyes straight ahead. I forced my gaze away from her face, but not before catching the pink flush that crawled up her neck, deepening along the tops of her cheeks.
“That coffee’s yours,” she said simply, pretending not to notice the way I’d been staring at her. But I think we both knew better. To my left, waiting for me in the cup holder, was a steaming cup of coffee in one of Chloe’s to-go mugs. “I even added that disgusting pinch of nutmeg you claim is so good.”
I snorted, taking the handle of the cup and bringing the steaming brew to my mouth. It smelled heavenly. “Maybe it’s an acquired taste, but itisgood. You’re just stuck in your ways.”
She hurled a quick scowl in my direction. “Andyou’renot?”
I made a noise with my mouth that resembled a tire losing air. “I’m flexible as hell.”
She barked a laugh and nodded. “Yeah, okay.” Chloe stole a quick glance at me as she turned toward 95 South. “So… are you nervous about today?”
I began to shake my head no but stopped myself. I didn’t want to lie to Chloe. To put on some false bravado that I was fine; everything was fine. That’s the sort of bullshit I might have pulled with other friends in the past, but Chloe and I were different. And that required me changing old, bad habits. It required me opening up more. I took a deep breath and answered honestly. “Nervous isn’t the right word. I’m confident the surgery will go well—mastectomies are pretty common. I’m more nervous for what comes next. Wondering if the surgery will work overall and get Mom into remission”
I skimmed the tip of my finger over the plastic lid and dipped it into the pool of warm coffee that settled in the seam.
“Did the surgeon say what the rate of success is with this kind of surgery?”
I shrugged. “It’s good. But they’re careful about their statistics. They don’t want to give false hope, and cancer is a tricky bitch. They thought the chemo and radiation was going to be enough to send her into remission initially—and yet, here we are.”
We’d been so hopeful when her chemo ended; she was looking and feeling so good… better than we’d seen her in months. Maybe we just got too cocky. It was a real kick in the gut when her scans didn’t come back clear.
“How soon after surgery will they know if she’s in remission?”
“It takes a few weeks.”
More waiting. More wondering. More silent stress that will loom like an imminent rain cloud over my family while we all pretend we aren’t on the precipice of a potential hurricane.
“Can I ask you a personal question?” I asked.
“Of course,” she answered simply, as though there wasn’t even a question of her hiding her vulnerability. It was one of the many beautiful aspects about Chloe. She wore her heart—as well as everything else—on her sleeve.
“Do you miss Dan?” That question had been plaguing me, burning in me. Anytime he came up in conversation, Chloe would either spit his name or change topics really quickly.
If I wasn’t mistaken, her grip on the wheel tightened, and for half a second, I thought I had screwed up by asking that.
“Sometimes,” she said after a pause. “But then… I don’t think it’s actually Dan that I miss. I miss having someone to wake up beside. Someone who held my hand and took me out for cocktails. Someone to go to parties with. Someone to cook for…”
“You? Cook?” I joked.
Her laugh was a balm, soothing in an otherwise raw moment.
Biting her bottom lip, she smacked the backs of her knuckles against my arm. “Hey!Anyonecan make a casserole!” She continued her thought. “Anyway, I think I miss being in a relationship. But I don’t miss Dan.” After a sigh, she added, “And if I’m being honest, even though he cheated on me…humiliatedme… I don’t think I was all that great of a partner to him, either.”
My spine straightened protectively at that as she slowed to a stop at a red light. “What the hell are you talking about? You quit your job because he asked you to.”
With a tilt of her chin, she boldly met my gaze. “I’m not saying he wasn’t a dick. He clearly was. I’m just saying that maybe I wasn’t entirely faultless. Not that it’s my fault he cheated, but I think I cared more about theideaof having a husband than I did about the actual person who shared my bed. And I’m sure that on some level Dan sensed that.”
“Or,” I offered as an alternative, “You sensed that Dan was never going to be one hundred percent in the relationship, and therefore you guarded your heart by not letting yourself fall completely in love.”
Her lips pressed thoughtfully together. “Maybe. It’s hard to know which was first.” Her gaze clouded and she shifted her weight against the driver’s seat. “It’s nice to have someone to talk about this with.”
My surprise at her statement brought on a quick bark of laughter. “What are you talking about? You have tons of friends! All those women at your bachelorette party… Tanja… your sister—”
She shook her head as a look of tired sadness tightened her features. “My sister would just sayI told you so. And Tanja…” her words trailed off and she exhaled a nearly silent sigh. “She’s always busy.”
Too busy to be there for her friend? I never really liked Tanja that much, and now? Those feelings grew.
“You’re really lucky to have your siblings,” Chloe said quietly.
