Page 102 of Sugarlips
“Bye, Liam,” I said, opening the front door for him. He hesitated only a moment before stuffing his hands in his pockets and leaving.
I gently shut the door behind him, dropping my forehead to the cool wood panel, my hand still gripping the doorknob.
“Do you know what you’re doing?” Elaina asked quietly behind me.
I shook my head, not bothering to look up at her or even open my eyes. “No. But do Iever?”
I hiccupped and swallowed the tide of tears rising once more. “I think he’s right. I need to be alone for a while. I need to learn how to deal with things on my own without always calling in reinforcements for help.”
Elaina nodded. “Maybe. Just don’t harden your heart too much. The fact that you allow yourself to be vulnerable with your friends and family is a really good trait, too, Chloe. Don’t let Liam convince you that it isn’t.”
I scrubbed my palm over my swollen eyes. “It’s not just that. I’ve been so afraid of losing what we had as friends, I wasn’t letting myself fall in love with him. Even though I knew I could—that I would—if I just gave myself over to it.”
She squeezed my shoulder. “That’s human.”
“I’ve never really been alone, you know? Not really. Not for an extended period of time. Even here and now after Dan… I’m technically not dating anyone, but Liam was here. He wasalwayshere for me.”
“Well, then, maybe you’re right.” Elaina sighed and I could hear the exhaustion in her raspy voice. How long had that flight been? When was the last time she slept? “Give yourself some alone time. Try to fix the running toilet yourself without calling someone. Try watching a movie by yourself and going out to dinner alone. You may find you like your own company.” She paused and elbowed me gently in the ribs. “I know I do.”
I rolled my eyes. “You’ve always thought highly of yourself.”
“I meant you, you dummy. I enjoyyourcompany. You’re a fantastic sister. And an even better friend.”
The tears that rimmed my eyes were different this time. I’d missed my sister, even though she’d only been gone a couple weeks. “Thanks, Loco.” My joke was a hoarse whisper as I referenced her nickname from high school—Loco Lainey.
She winked. “Anytime, Taz.”
40
Liam
Ipaced inside the Beefcakes seating area where Finn was counting the register. “Dude,” Finn said, “You've got to chill out.”
I don't know how my brother was staying so calm. “Mom’s scan results are in, and they want to see usin personfor the results. How are you not freaking outmore?”
My brother shrugged in that lackadaisical way of his. “Becausewe don't know what we don't know.”
I fucking hate that phrase. It's so dumb. “Of course we don't know what we don't know. It's the not knowing that causes me so much anxiety.”
Finn rolled his eyes at me, stuffing the cash from the day into a small black pouch and zipping it up. “Well how about this? They're not asking us to drive all the way down to Boston. They just want us to meet them at their outpatient location. I think that's a pretty good sign.”
A better sign would be if they’d just call and tell us over the phone,‘Hey, guess what? The cancer’s gone!’But maybe he was right. Maybe the fact that they're not asking us to drive an hour and a half—only about thirty minutes instead—is a good sign. But I couldn't help that gnawing doubt jittering in my stomach. If it was good news, if Mom's cancer was finally in remission, why wouldn't they just tell us that over the phone?
It was frustrating, not just for me but for Finn too, that nothing he seemed to say was helping to soothe my nerves. In fact, there wasn't a single person I knew that was good at helping me through these hard times... other than Chloe.
I froze, mid-step where I was pacing and stared out the window. I wanted her. No, wait. I didn’twanther. This feeling wasn't desire.
Ineededher.
I was going out of my mind, crawling out of my skin, and the only thing that could remotely make that feeling stop was the thought of her here sitting next to me, holding my hand.
Was this how she felt with me? When I left her, did I yank the rug out from under her feet? I berated her, made her feel like a codependent leech when here I was feeling the same way, doing the same thing.
And what's worse, I think my family was right. There was nothing wrong with needing to lean on someone you love from time to time.
Of course, that didn't change the fact that Chloe loved me but couldn't seem to bring herself to admit it or act on it. But maybe if I led by example, and let myself need her just a little, maybe that would open the floodgates. Maybe she could see and learn that she not only needed me, but also wanted me.
All this time, I thought I was Chloe's crutch, but she was just as much mine. Not once did I ever have to admit that I needed her there. She just was. She showed up to every event, every time I needed her… without me asking. Not once did she ever force me to say I needed her.
