Page 63 of Healing You
He swallowed, doing his best not to give too much away. He loved his mother, but she was the last person he wanted to talk to about his life right now. He lifted a glass, forcing a smile in her direction. It was tight, like a pair of pants you hadn't put on for years that you suddenly tried to squeeze into. “To happiness,” he said and reached out to clink her glass.
She pulled it away quickly, shaking her head. “No. To your happiness.” Then, lifting it again, she held the glass out as a challenge to him.
He swallowed against the tightness restricting his throat, giving a reluctant nod. “To my happiness. And yours,” he added pointedly. “Because if we're drinking to mine, then we sure as hell better drink to yours, too, Ma.”
“I can live with that,” she said, bringing the glass to her lips and taking a sip. “Kyra called Ronnie the other day.”
Steve kept his eyes down as he took his first bite of pot roast, revealing nothing. “Oh?”
“Are your panic attacks back?”
“I've got it under control,” he answered coolly, his body feeling anything but. Heat swelled in his chest. Luckily, he was a damn pro at masking things. Well, everything other than his panic attacks.
“Like you had it under control last time?” Challenge glinted in her eyes and her mouth turned down in concern.
“No, not like last time. I'm not gonna get hooked on pills again, Ma.”
“You'll forgive me if I don't take your word for it.”
He dropped his fork to his plate with a clatter. “I was eighteen when that happened. And even when it did, I recognized it was happening and I got help. Quickly.”
“I know. And now you're older and even more stubborn if that's possible. It's okay to ask for help.”
“I know that. That's why I called Kyra.”
“Is it? Or did you call Kyra to avoid calling any of your family?”
He pinched the bridge of his nose hard. “It was Cam and Lydia's engagement party. I didn't want to take any family away from the party.”
They were quiet for a few minutes while they finished eating. “Cam told me about Yvonne's letter years ago.”
Damn. Did no one in his family know how to keep a secret?
“And after the party, Noah told him about your drive and Cam came to me.”
Dammit, Noah. So much for keeping that between them.
“It sounded like she said some horrible things in that letter,” Marty said.
“Yep.”
“Panic-inducing things?”
“What do you want to hear, Ma?” Steve didn't want to yell at his mother. He didn't want to take his frustrations and anger and sadness out on the woman who raised him. She didn't deserve that and Lord knew he'd given her enough grief through the years. “I really am fine. Yes, the panic attacks have started again, through infrequently. I called Dr. Warner and I'm beginning weekly sessions again. Molly here is still doing her job. Running still works as a stress reliever.”
“What I want is to hear you voice the reasons why you think they're back.”
“They're back because Yvonne is back. Was back,” he corrected himself. “There. Happy?”
“Not even a little. And neither are you.”
“Well, apparently, I can either be healthy or happy. Not both.” As soon as he said it, he realized how true and raw it was. And it hurt so damn much, he had to look down to make sure there wasn't a bloody, gaping hole in his chest.
He felt Ma's arms around his shoulder, rubbing his back. “It's a copout to blame Yvonne for the panic attacks.”
“Fine. It's my fear of losing her. That's why they're back.”
“You see the irony of that right? Your fear of losing her has caused you to lose her.”
