Page 93 of Sweet on You
Lex shook his head. “That’s not likely. At least… not yet. She would need time to find more cash probably.”
Lana paused, staring at us from across the table. Olivia had fallen asleep on my shoulder, oblivious to the drama surrounding her little life. “But she potentiallycouldfind the cash?”
Lex nodded. “I’m sure there are ways. Even in jail.” He sighed, turning to me and running his palm over Olivia’s silky curls. “I think… I think I need to go see Sarah at county.”
“What? Why?”
“I need to convince her that I’ve changed.”
The air punched out of my gut, and I felt stunned. “Youneed to prove toheryou’re the better person? She’s the one injail, Lex. She’s the one who used while she was pregnant with Olivia.”
“Yeah… but she clearly doesn’t trust me. And I can’t say I blame her. I need her to see I’m committed to Olivia now, despite that horrible things I said two years ago.”
“But didn’t she see you once already? In court that day? You’veclearlychanged.”
“We never spoke to each other. She needs to talk to me herself… and honestly? I need to apologize to her.”
Lana stood up, tossing a few bills onto the table. “I should, uh, head back to work.”
I shook my head, trying to stop her. “You don’t need to leave, Lana—”
She smiled kindly at both of us. “This is a personal conversation. But, dinner soon? The four of us?”
We agreed and said goodbye, watching her leave.
“What do you need to apologize for?” I asked, once Lana was out the door. “You’ve done nothing wrong. You’ve been searching for them for two years. You moved across the world to find them. Started your own business—”
“I know you only know me as this Lex,” he said, gesturing to himself. “But the Lex Sarah knew was a completely different man. I wasn’t good to her. I wasn’t good to anyone, not even my own family.” He swallowed, fidgeting with the napkin in his lap. “I’m not proud of this, but when she told me she was pregnant, I gave her an ultimatum. I handed her three hundred quid and told her to either get an abortion or get another place to live.”
Tears filled his eyes and he ran his finger down Olivia’s arm. “No wonder she’s scared of me being a parent to her child. I basically told her to kill our daughter.”
It was terrible. There was no excuse for that… except that was then. And this was now. I shifted Olivia in my arms, so that she was asleep in my lap, and leaned in to hold Lex. “You’re a different person now.”
“I know that. Butshedoesn’t know that. And I want her to see how different I am. Maybe then she’ll believe that if I can do it… she can do it, too. If she manages to stay sober and attend NA meetings as well, she could split custody with me.”
My skin flush hot. “But… didn’t the Murphys say she’s tried to go to rehab before and it’s never stuck?”
“Yeah, but they also said they never really believed she could do it. That can make all the difference, having someone, even one person, believe in you. For me, that was my sister. The littlest thing can make you reach for a substance, you know? Once, back in England, I had managed to get clean for a month. I was living with my parents and I overheard them make an inane comment that my sobriety was temporary. Knowing that they didn’t believe I could make it a permanent choice? I went out that night and got my fix.”
My chest felt hollow where only a few hours ago, my heart had felt so full. I knew sober Lex… but I didn’t know sober Sarah. Hell, I didn’t even know high Sarah. The thought of his ex as a constant in our lives made me uneasy. No, worse than uneasy. I thought I might barf.
“You don’t even know what she’s like when she’s sober. There are plenty of people who are shitty parents without the excuse of substance abuse. Even if shecouldstay sober, which we don’t know that she can, how do you know she’s a fit guardian?”
Lex paused, turning to face me and studying me before answering, “What is going on with you?”
“I just… I don’t know if it’s a good idea, letting Sarah into our lives. Into Olivia’s life.”
Lex shook his head, exhaling a sound that was something between a laugh and a snort. “That’s not your call. Whether or not you want Sarah in Olivia’s life… she’s going to be. You don’t get to choose your parents. And I’m not going to be the person who keeps my little girl from knowing her mother. Especially not if that mother can prove herself.”
I thrust my hands into my hair, emotion rising like bile in my throat. “But she’s an addict, Lex. How can you trust her with Olivia?”
The moment I saw his face, I regretted my words. “I’man addict, Ronnie,” he whispered.
I shook my head, tears falling down my cheeks with each blink. “It’s different with you. You’re…”
“Anaddict,” he repeated. “The fact that I’ve been sober for two years doesn’t change the truth of the statement. I am just like Sarah, except that I pulled myself out of the gutter and got clean. I’m just like Sarah, except I’ve had the support of friends. Family. Or at least, I thought I had your support—”
“Bullshit. She’s had the support of her parents. She used that support to drop her kid off with them, like they were a daycare, and go shoot heroin into her veins. Don’t give me that. You arenotlike Sarah.”
