Page 103 of Sweet on You
35
Lex
That morning, I kept the baby monitor clipped to my hip and headed down to the bakery at four o’clock. Mr. Murphy probably would have freaked out at the thought of me leaving Olivia alone in the apartment, but honestly? What I was doing was no different from people who have a two-story home going downstairs to make breakfast while their kids are still asleep upstairs. And as Mrs. Murphy said… I’m the parent here. These things are my call, and I need to find a way of living as both a full-time baker and a full-time dad.
After I finished my baking, I grabbed the baby from upstairs, strapped her to my chest and got the bakery open and through the morning rush. Around nine o’clock, I made sure Seth was set up and good to go before I packed up Olivia’s things and drove the hour north to drop her off at the Murphys. Then I headed to county jail.
I wanted to talk with Sarah alone.
Yes, I had things to answer for. But so did she. And if we were going to be proper parents to our child, we needed this dirty laundry to be aired out. Maybe Ronnie was right. I had to find a balance with Sarah, supportive and fair… but also tough.
I was brought inside the jail and into a room where several inmates were seated at circular tables, chatting with family and friends.
Sarah was escorted to my table in an orange jumpsuit that, up until this moment, I’d thought was only used in movies. She looked… rough. Her eyes were red. Her skin looked raw, yet ashen. Her blond hair was stringy and pulled into a messy ponytail. “I’m pretty popular today,” she said as way of greeting me.
I gave her a weak smile, which was only met with a hardened scowl. “Lots of visitors?” I asked.
“Something like that.”
I looked her over, and even though she looked rough, she also looked better than she did years ago when we were together. I widened my smile. “Detox is a bitch, huh?”
She sighed and dropped into the chair across from me. “I’m through the worst of it.”
She wasn’t through the worst of it, though. Not by a long shot. Just wait until she woke up at two in the morning itching for a fix, willing to do just about anything to get it.
She crossed her arms, and from behind her pursed lips, she ran her tongue across her teeth. “So? You here to convince me what a changed man you are?”
“Not quite.” I shook my head. “I’m here to say I’m sorry.”
Her chapped lips parted, but no words came out.
“I’m sorry, Sarah.” I took a deep breath, blinking back the tears that threatened my eyes. “Being an addict is selfish. We are some of the most selfish people on Earth. We steal from friends, use our family, and do all kinds of despicable things in order to get our next fix.”
Her jaw snapped shut, and folded her arms. “Go on,” she said, inclining her chin.
“The day you came and told me you were pregnant with Olivia, my response was awful. Shameful. I’m so sorry. If I were you, I would've also run away and never looked back. I can see why you don’t want me anywhere near our daughter after that last impression you had of me.”
I leaned forward, looking her dead in the eye. “But I need you to know how much I’ve changed. A couple of months after you left, I went to rehab. I got clean, and more importantly, I stayed clean. Nineteen months and counting so far.” I tugged my sobriety chip out of my pocket and slid it across the table to her. “And I’ve been searching since then, trying to find you, hoping to apologize. Hoping to beg you for forgiveness. It never even occurred to me that you would still be using and in trouble. You were so determined to stay clean during the pregnancy.”
She swallowed, and the tears in her eyes didn’t escape me. “That only lasted a couple of months,” she admitted what her parents had already told me. “It’s a wonder that Olivia came out somewhat healthy… her vision aside.”
“You feel bad for that?” I asked, but it wasn’t really a question. It was evident she felt bad.
Sarah nodded, all the same. “I feel terrible. I hate that I fucked up that bad while pregnant.” Her voice was raspy.
“We got lucky that it wasn’t more serious. Olivia is sweet and smart and beautiful.”
I paused, pouring myself a glass of water from the plastic pitcher on the table in front of us. “I’m a good dad. Or at least, as good of a dad as I can be for not having a lot of practice yet. I love Olivia. I’m getting routine drug tests done to prove to your parents that I’m sober and plan on staying sober. I own my own business—”
“What’s your point, Lex?”
“My point is… ifIcan be a good dad… then you can be a good mom. I believe in you, Sarah. I believe you can get sober and stay sober this time.”
She snorted and shook her head. “Yeah, right. You don’t really believe in me. You just want me off your back.”
“Idobelieve in you. Don’t you want time alone with Olivia? Not supervised visits with your parents or me.” She blinked, looking up at me, her arm stretched over the back of the chair. I recognized her stance. It was the one she usually assumed when she wanted to look like she didn’t care. But she did. I knew she did.
“You could live in Maple Grove. The cost of living there is affordable. You could even work with me in the bakery or use your time in here to take some classes. If you agree to the routine drug tests and can prove yourself reliable…”
