Page 126 of Role Play
“Isn’t that the fucking truth,” Ash said, not bringing his eyes to mine. “I only come to this coffee shop once ayear.”
I looked back and forth from his red-rimmed eyes to the window, where I could see the outline of Runyon Canyon. Today must be his anniversary. I dropped my gaze to his hand where he wore Brie’s ring and I gasped—actually gasped—when I saw his bare finger. The skin around his pinky paler and slightly indented from years of wear. “Ash,” I whispered, “Where’s yourring?”
My throat knotted when he didn’t answer my question. “Are you and Eriktogether?”
Something about how he asked that tore my heart in half like tissue paper. “No. I’m his new nanny. For his daughter.” I fought the urge to add,not that it’s any of your business. He was in enough pain as it was without me adding toit.
His sigh of relief was like a salve for my nerves. “Can I walk you to your car?’ he asked. I hesitated for a moment until those crystal clear eyes met mine. “Lucy…please.”
I nodded and as we pushed open the heavy glass doors into the hot, dry air, I pointed up the road where I had parked a few blocks away at a playground I had taken Mack to earlier thatday.
We walked in silence for almost the entirety of the first block. It was Ash’s heavy sigh that pulled my attention away from where my flip-flops hit the pavement with each satisfyingthwack.
“I don’t even know where to begin,” Ash said. “I want to tell you everything. I want to tell you about Brie, about how we met, about her laugh, and how when I made her laugh hard enough, she would do this funny wheezing sound. I want to tell you about what a wonderful woman she was. But also how she was far fromperfect.”
I stopped walking, and it took him two steps before he realized he left me behind. He spun, facing me, his eyes panicked and wide. Like he thought for hot second that I could leave him as he poured his soul for me. “So tell me,” I begged. “I want to know her. I want to know this amazing woman who captured your heartfirst.”
He blinked, a rapid firing of eyelashes to cheeks. “Isn’t it too little too late?” There was a strange tone to his question. Almost like if I answered yes, it would give permission for him to walk away and not open up. This was about more than me and Ash coming together. This was his personal growth. I knew from the short amount of time we had had together, that him talking about Brie to anybody was a huge step. And I sure as hell wasn’t going to stop him. I cared too much about him. So was it too little too late? Maybe. I couldn’t lie to him. But I sure as hell wasn’t going to let him get off thateasily.
“I don’t believe in too little too late. I can’t tell you that by the end of this we’re going to drive off into the sunset together. But I can one hundred percent guarantee that by not telling me, you’re not even giving us thatchance.”
The lines around his eyes tightened, and after deep breath he said, “Well then, here goesnothing.”
* * *
Thirty minutes later,and I’d heard so much about Brie. Ash and I sat on the park bench, side-by-side, my hand clutching his trembling fingers. I laughed when he told me about the time they egged her boss’s car together after he had fired her for not pretending to be his girlfriend at an event. It was one of those funny, not funny situations. My eyes misted as he told me about his proposal to her, on a hike up Runyon Canyon. How he packed a picnic of wine, cheese, and fruit that mimicked one of their early dates. How he had gotten down on one knee in the middle of the red dirt patch, and had asked her to be his wife. The engagement ring tucked into a small wooden box he had carvedhimself.
Lifting my free hand, I touched my thumb to his damp, stubbled cheek. “Thank you for sharingthis.”
He lifted my hand, pressing his lips to my knuckles. “Brie was… sick. For years. Before I ever met her. She was obsessed with her weight. She suffered from eating disorders for as long as I knew her. Off and on, since she was fifteen.” He swallowed and I could hear how dry his mouth was. “A year or so into our marriage, Brie got pregnant. We were both so, so happy. It was sickening how happy we were together. But… the pregnancy weight triggered something in her. And I was so busy with work, I-I wasn’t paying attention. I didn’t mean to be so absent—I was just trying to work as hard as I could before the baby came so that I could be present and take time off after thebirth.”
His hand came down on the iron armrest of the bench, his grip so tensed, I could see his knuckles goingwhite.
Still clutching his hand, I gave him a reassuring squeeze. “If this is too hard, you don’t have to tell me. At least, not rightnow.”
He shook his head, the sharp, staccato movement shaking the bench with it. “I don’t want to stop. I don’t want these words, this story, to control my life anymore.” And with another deep breath, he continued. “She was almost at the six-month mark, when her bulimia caused the miscarriage. We lost our little girl. And Brie sank into her depression. It was bad enough miscarrying. But add on top of that, postpartum depression and the fact that she blamed herself—hell, if I’m being honest, I blamed her a little bit, too. Which I will never forgive myself for. Maybe if I hadn’t added to her guilt, she never would have committed suicide.” The last sentence was said on a sob, and his fingers released my hand. Reflexively, he reached out to his pinky, looking to touch that ring.Herring. But it wasn’tthere.
The muscles in my stomach twisted, like wringing laundry. I didn’t know what I expected, but that wasn’t it. I felt sick for Brie. For her pain. For Ash. For their unbornchild.
“Ash,” I said, gripping his knee. “Where is Brie’sring?”
With the heels of his hands, he wiped his face clean of any remaining tears. “I buried it in the spot where I proposed.” He looked over his shoulder, up toward RunyonCanyon.
My throat dropped my stomach. Shock and guilt gnawed at my insides. “Youwhat? Ash… why? Why would you dothat?”
Even though his tears had stopped, his eyes were raw and pained. “Because I have to move on. And I want to move on withyou.”
It was my turn to sob. It felt like a hand had just reached into my chest, cracked open my ribcage, and squeezed my heart. “I want to move on with you too,” I said. “But not like this. Moving on doesn’t mean stripping Brie from your life. It doesn’t mean not honoring the love you had.” I jumped to my feet, spinning to face him. My heart pounded, my blood racing through my veins. “All I wanted was for you to talk to me. To tell me what happened. Because if we are going to make this work, Brie will always be a part of thisrelationship.”
Slowly, Ash raised his gaze to mine. His blue eyes, still wet and shiny. “It doesn’t make you mad? Jealous? That my love for her will always be a part of me? Because I can’t not love her. It doesn’t mean I love you any less, but—she will always be a part of my story. A part of myheart.”
I dropped to my knees between Ash’s spread legs, and wrapped my hands around his. “I don’t want you to not love her. All I wanted was to get to know her… so that I can love her too.” The tears were streaming down my face now, but I made no moves to wipe themaway.
He cupped my face, drawing my lips to his. We met in a kiss so wild and passionate, that I couldn’t even say how long it lasted. I blinked my eyes open as it ended, seeing Ash through my moisture-ridden gaze. “I love you, Lucy Rodriguez,” Ash said, smiling for the first time since I’d run into him in the coffeeshop.
“I love you, too.” I laced my fingers into his, and tugged him toward the entrance of RunyonCanyon.
“Where the hell are we going?” Ash asked, laughing as we made our way up the winding, dirt path. But there was a knowingness in his voice. Joggers sped by us because I’m apparently the slowest walkerever.
