Page 121 of Role Play
Ash
The week after Lucy and I ended was nothing but California sunshine. I would have given my left nut to have some rain. Gray skies. Maybe even some thunder to match my shitty, gloomymood.
What the hell was a grumpy fuck like me doing living in Los Angeles anyway? I should live in Seattle. OrSiberia.
I went about my days filming as usual, but inside? I was an empty vessel. Broken. I could have fought for her. I knew it. I could have opened up, spilling my guts, told her everything about Brie. I could have won Lucyback.
But she deserved better. She deserved a man who didn’t have to slice open a festering wound just to talk about his past. She deserved a man who could have sex in his own fucking bed without feeling gut-blowing guilt the next morning. She deserved a man who would eventually be able to kneel down on one knee and put a ring on her finger. A man who could give her children without seeing ghosts of the child he never got with another woman. Anotherwife.
She needed a man who could love her wholly withoutguilt.
That man wasn’tme.
But fuck, I wish it could be. Because I could have lovedher.
My time on set was busier than usual. Not that I minded busy. I thrived on busy. But because of that, Lucy sightings had been growing scarcer the last couple weeks. Occasionally, I’d see her on set. But lately, if I wanted a glance at her glossy brown eyes or glowing smile, I had to find a reason to wander down to the costume department. And in the last five days, more often than not Kelly or Andrea intercepted me before I ever reached theoffices.
On Friday, I found myself with more time to spare than I’d had in weeks and without even realizing it, I was halfway down the hall toward wardrobe. I paused just outside thedoor.
What was my excuse for popping in today? Wanting to check the progress of Marlena’s evening gown? Or maybe that Helene sent me to make sure the costumes didn’t clash with the set dressings. Or to check if the costumes were going to be shipped or ride with us onlocation.
Fuck me. Why did I keep doing this to myself? To her? She’d made it clear—I had betrayed her. And she was right. I knew what I was doing when I opened that Google search… even if Andrea had told me to do it. And I couldn’t share myself with her in the way she needed or wanted me to. It was too painful. Too fucking vulnerable and I just didn’t have it in meanymore.
But I wish I did. Because fuck, I missedher.
I took a deep breath and entered into the costume room. Immediately, it felt different in a way I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Andrea was on her knees, putting straight pins into the hem of a dress. Kelly was standing a few feet back, photographing the dress and taking notes. And in the corner was a new face. A young man folding laundry out of thecart.
“Who’s this?” I blurted out.And where the hell is Lucy?I wanted toask.
Andrea glared at me from where she knelt and her lips disappeared into a thinningline.
“This is my new design assistant,” Kelly said, her voice strangely tight andwithdrawn.
“Newdesign assistant?” I repeated. Why the hell did they need a new design assistant?Unless…
“Yes,” Andrea hissed. “Because you had to go and open your big mouth in front of everyone in the middle of craft services.” I swear if she could have justified jabbing me in the calf with one of those pins, she wouldhave.
I blinked, my face growing hot. “Did she get fired because of that?” Because if that was the case, I’d run into Richard’s office right now and quitmyself.
“No dumbass,” Andrea snapped. “Shequit.”
Her words socked me in the gut, stealing my oxygen. She quit? Somehow that felt even worse. It was precisely what I promised her wouldn’t happen. I had assured her that no matter what, our relationship or non-relationship wouldn’t affect heremployment.
I closed my eyes briefly, shaking my head. “We have to get her back,” I said. “There must be something I coulddo.”
“Oh, I know exactly what you could do. You can take your little platitudes and shove them upyour—”
“Okay,” Kelly sighed and touched her fingertips to Andrea’s shoulder. “Andrea, could you show Micah where we put scrap fabrics?” Kellyasked.
Andrea rolled her eyes as she pushed off the floor to her feet. “Fine. C’mon, Micah.” But before exiting the room, she paused in front of me, narrowing hereyes.
“Now,Andrea.”
She flipped her blonde hair over her shoulder and huffed out of the room, the Micah guy following at her heels with his gaze on the floor. Smartman.
Once they were gone, I turned back to Kelly. “Where isshe?”
She dropped her cheek to her shoulder. “You know I can’t tell youthat.”
