Page 116 of Role Play
It nearly cracked my heart open as she unraveled from my hold. She looked up at me from over the top edge of her glasses. Her eyes dark and deep, I was unable to read them. Nervously, she pressed her lips together, and when they relaxed they were wet andglistening.
I tilted my head at her. “Do you forgiveme?”
Her jaw ticked. “No,” she whispered. “What you said wascruel—”
“Iknow.”
“And you tell me over and over to trust you, but then you broke the first rule we had established. How can I trust someone—forgive someone—who knowingly crossed thatline?”
“Lucy,” I said. “I. Know. I know I failedyou.”
She huffed a laugh and rolled her eyes. “I don’t care that you know. Youknowingthe fact that you did something shitty doesn’t matter if you keep doing it.Showme. Show me that you’ve changed … or that you’re at least attemptingto.”
“What can I do?” I whispered, my voice hoarse. “What can Isay?”
Lucy paused, her gaze dropping to Brie’s ring. “What is it you don’t want me Googling? Tell me. Tell meeverythingso that I don’t have to break the promise like you did. No moresecrets.”
My muscles clenched and without realizing it, I was shaking my head no. “Please don’t,” Isaid.
Lucy’s eyes softened and it was no longer anger glittering back at me, but sadness. “It’s not even about you, is it? It’sher.”
White hot tears threatened my eyes and I blinked rapidly to push themdown.
“She’s a part of our relationship too, Ash. Whether or not you can admitit.”
My throat closed up. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stand here and tell Lucy—the one woman in the world I was trying to prove I wasn’t a fuck up to—how much I had fucked up with my wife. If I revealed the details of Brie’s suicide—how it was my fucking fault—she’d never forgive me. In the same way I couldn’t forgivemyself.
Lucy waited a few more moments before nodding and brushing her palm against my cheek. I clutched it, pressing my lips to the soft skin of her hand. She sniffled and the soft noise pulverized what was left of my brokenheart.
“I understand,” she said. “I’m not mad at you. I don’t want to force you to tellme.”
Between the lines of what she said, the words that weren’t said dangled between us.I don’t want to force you to tell melike I had done to her. I had coerced every bit of information out of her. Googled her. Searched for info. And she waited. She gave me the space I needed. She was understanding beyondbelief.
Her thumb moved over my cheekbone, stroking it before she pulled back completely. “I understand. But I can’t be with the someone who doesn’t open up to me. I care about you. But when it comes down to it, if I have to choose between you and me… I’m choosing me. Because I can’t love anyone if I don’t know how to love myself first. I can’t care for you and keep you safe and healthy if I don’t do so for me first and foremost. And until you’re ready to open up to me… this relationship isn’t going to be healthy for either of us. I can’t trust you with my body. With my trauma. With my history… if you won’t trust me with yours. And I can’t trust you knowing you don’t feel these rules apply toyou.”
Well, fuck. Who was teaching whohere?
She was so right. All this time, I was trying to protect and care for other submissives. And the reason I was so bad at it wasn’t because I was a bad Dom. It was because I wasn’t tending tomyself.
My eyes burned and I clutched Brie’s ring in my freehand.
She pushed onto her toes, her palm connecting to my chest, and she brushed her lips across my cheekbone. “It’s okay if you’re not ready to reveal yourself to me—or to anyone. If you’re not ready to talk about Brie. To move on from her. It istrulyokay, Ash. But I also can’t stand here and be in an uneven relationship. I can’t continue to bear my soul to you—to give you bars of gold, only to receive tiny nuggets of fool’s gold in return.” Her voice trembled and cracked and when I looked into her eyes, tears streamed down both of ourcheeks.
Her words pierced my heart clean through. I wastryingto open up. Couldn’t she see that? Couldn’t she see how hard I was trying with her? More than I’d ever tried with anyone sinceBrie.
But it was clear. It wasn’t enough.Iwasn’t enough. And I didn’t think I could give any more ofmyself.
So I let her go. I watched her walk out of LnS and I didn’t stopher.
