Page 93 of Role Play
Ash
Iwasn’t sure what I was doing here in the car with Lucy. What did I expect to get from this? She still wasn’t ready for this. Wasn’t ready forme. Nothing had changed since Mondaynight.
And yet, last night, everything hadchanged.
We both knew it. Even though we hadn’t talked about it. Fuck, was that weird? Should we talk about it? I was never good at talking. Not even with Brie. Sitting down and sharing feelings was just about my worst fucking nightmare. And luckily it was Brie’s worst nightmare, too. Growing up as a pastor’s daughter, she’d had enough of share circles in herchildhood.
After driving for a few minutes, I asked her, “Where should wego?”
She glanced at me briefly. “How about you show me upstairs ofLnS?”
I snapped my gaze to her, then quickly looked back to the road, shaking my head. “You’re not ready for that. Especially not after lastnight.”
I expected her to get angry… but she didn’t. She looked at me calmly and asked, “Did you submit my contract tothem?”
“Yes,but—”
“And they approvedme?”
“Yes. But you spent all evening puking. I don’t think tonightis—”
“Ash. Look atme.”
As I pulled up to a red light and coasted to a stop, I dared a glance in her direction. Her cheeks were flushed pink. Her mouth wet, eyes shrewd and piercing. She lifted her brows. “I feel great. I ate an early dinner and I’ve kept all my meals down since one o’clock. I’m ready forthis.”
But was I ready for this?I expelled a breath as the light turned green and eased onto the gas pedal. “Okay, then. But we are taking iteasy.”
“Hey,” she said, “you’re theboss.”
I shot another quick glance at her. “Am I?” I wasn’t so sure anymore and the thought strangely brought a smile to mylips.
“Just drive,smartass.”
Most of the trip was quiet and I could feel each of us deep in thought. I slid my gaze to her quickly while I slowed at a red light. She was chewing her bottom lip, playing with her cuticles. She looked like she had something tosay.
“What is it, Lucy?” Iasked.
She lifted her eyes to mine, black lashes long and nearly hitting the lenses of her eyeglasses with each blink. “Your—your wife. How didshe…”
My grip on the steering wheel went tighter and I jerked my gaze back to the taillights stopped in front of us. “I don’t want to talk about how she—how she didit.”
I could hear the rustling sound of Lucy’s nod. “I understand. But last night, you also said that you felt responsible. That if you had been a better Dom…” her voice faded. “I just, I’m curious what you mean. What being a Dom had to do with it. Because in my limited experience, mental illness isn’t anyone’s fault. I hate to think you’re blamingyourself—”
I couldn’t stand to hear another speech that Brie’s death wasn’t my fault. None of them knew. None of them knew her—knew us—like I did. I may not have been the one to actually take her life, but I could have stopped it. I could have prevented it if I had been payingattention.
“A Dominant’s number one job is to ensure the safety of his sub. A husband’s number one job is to care for and provide for his wife. I failed on both those accounts.” The light turned green and before I eased onto the gas, I snuck another glance at Lucy. She swallowed, her gaze firmly set on me, and the muscles of her throat tight. “I got busy with work. And because I was busy and exhausted after long days filming, I didn’t see the signs. I missed her cries for help. I should have been paying closer attention to my wife. My sub. My partner. I could have stopped it. Ishouldhave stopped it, but I failed her. She died because ofme.”
It was quiet for a long moment before Lucy spoke again. “Ash—”
“Just… don’t,” I whispered. “Anything you’re going to tell me, I’ve already heard from Jude. From Neil. From my parents. So just…don’t.”
“Okay. I won’t… I won’t tell you it’s not your fault.” The implication still dangled there between us; her unspoken words that saidbut it’s not your fault. Lucy didn’t understand. She didn’t truly know the lifestyle fully herself yet… so how could she? “I need to ask though… does this have anything to do with your foodissues?”
My jaw clenched. Ihatedtalking about this. I hated thinking about it. Reliving it. “Yes,” I answered, my voice so low, I wasn’t sure she even heard me until I heard heranswer.
“Okay,” she whispered, and I breathed a heavy sigh of relief that she was letting itdrop.
“I’m trying so hard to open up,but—”
