Page 91 of Role Play
“Well it’s fucked up and I hateit.”
“You have every right to hate it. The lifestyle isn’t for everyone. The question is, with yourhistory—”
I sighed. “You mean my eatingdisorder.”
She nodded. “Yes. With your history and your past eating disorder, is that going to trigger you or spiral you back into unhealthyhabits?”
I shook my head. “No. Of course not. I haven’t made myself throw-up inyears.”
“There are other ways eating disorders can surface, Luce.” Andrea gave me a weaksmile.
“I know that,but—”
“But… youdiddrink on an empty stomach lastnight.”
“Which I wouldn’t have done if he hadn’t made a point of asking me to eat mydinner.”
Andrea took a deep breath. “Close your eyes for a moment.” I rolled them before I fluttered my eyes shut. “Imagine you and Ash were a couple. Truly BDSM partners. Imagine he had asked you to eat your cheeseburger—or at least finish half of it before you did yourshots.”
“It’s not hisplace—”
“We’re imagining, Lucy. Imagine for a second that your mom had never lorded over food. That she had never made you weigh in daily. Imagine that your dad had never been abusive. You enjoy the other kink stuff. And Ash asking you to eat your meal didn’t come from a place of wanting you to be skinny, but from a place of wanting to make sure you didn’t end up like you are this morning. He wasn’t telling you not to drink. He wasn’t hindering your fun. He simply asked you to finish dinner first and maybe he instructed you to drink water throughout the night.” She paused and I clenched my jaw. “Is that really sobad?”
Emotion was clogging my throat. It didn’t sound bad when she worded it like that. But itfeltbad. My reaction to it felt loaded, and made anxiety rise in my throat. “My mom didn’t watch what I ate so that I would be skinny either. She did it out of love. And fear. And she wanted me to behealthy.”
“I know,” Andrea said. “Take that same scenario as last night… and pretend it was me in Ash’s place. Pretend I was the one telling you to eat yourburger—”
“It was chicken fingers,” I corrected her. It was a stupid thing to correct, but it was all I had on her and we both knewit.
“Fine. PretendIwas telling you to eat your chicken fingers. I was the one telling you to drink water. Because I care about you. Because I don’t want you to feel sick. And mainly because now our bathroom smells like a truck stop and I know I’m going to be the one to scrub that shittoday.”
I laughed at that, feeling my chest bounce. But the laughing made another wave of nausea take hold of me and I groaned, placing my palm to my forehead. She wasn’t wrong…Andrea made sure I ate well when drinking all the time. And I would do the same to her when we were outpartying.
“Andfurthermore…”
“Okay, Andrea, I getit.”
“No wait! I’m on a roll! Because for that matter, doesn’t Rich do the same thing? Make sure you’re eating well? He buys you gift cards to restaurants in the area and sends over his famous baked ziti? You’re not triggered by him making sure you’re eating,right?”
I snorted. “Oh, please. Uncle Rich’s baked ziti isn’tthatgood.”
“Um, now I know you’re lying. I’ve watched you eat half a casserole dish of that bakedziti.”
I rolled my eyes. “I get it. Sometimes it’s not about control. Sometimes it’s aboutcare.”
“For Dominants, it’s about both. Control, safety, and care. At least it is for the good ones. And I think at his core, Ash is a goodone.”
My throat burned. “I think so, too. But it doesn’t mean he’s goodforme.”
Andrea nodded thoughtfully. “Well, that’s true too. I guess you have some thinking todo.”
I set the water glass down and tossed the covers aside. I had to pee something fierce. As I stood to my feet, my stomach roiled. Oh, God. I was going to blowagain.
I rushed for the bathroom, making it just intime.
After a shower and brushing my teeth—Andrea was right, I did have dragon breath—I felt slightly more human. And as I made my way down the hall into our little kitchen, a gift basket caught myeye.
I swallowed, moving carefully toward it. Inside, there was a gift card to Verizon to fix my phone screen, and DVDs ofMeet Me in St. LouisandCabaret. Also rolled up inside were pajama pants with manatees on them, a white t-shirt—the same exact size and type that I wear every day. And a box of fruit loops, a cup of Greek yogurt and abanana.
