Page 81 of Role Play
Ash
Iwas miserable. Which said something because I was always unhappy. The way Lucy and I left things had me feeling unhinged. And what was worse? She was still so fucking kind to me at work. There was no scowling across the room. No narrowed eyes as she stomped away or avoided mygaze.
Well, that wasn’t entirely true. Shedidavoid my gaze. But that was only because I couldn’t stop fucking staring at her. The point was, she wasn’t holding it against me. Even though she should. Even though I would deserve every scowl, every middle finger she probably wanted to throw myway.
Instead, she gave me small smiles from across theroom.
Pityingsmiles.
I had apologized. She had accepted. Everything was cordial. Polite. It was fucking worse than if she’d just called me a jackass and slapped me. I would’ve deservedit.
I was a jackass. And broken. For the first time in… in ever, I was a terrible Dom. I knew my place when I was Brie’s Dom. We started as boyfriend and girlfriend and grew our bond as Dom/sub from there. After Brie, I also always knew my place. Being a Dom was the means to an end. A release with nothing more beneath the surface. But with Lucy? I don’t know how to combine those two things again. I don’t know how to give her more than just being her Dom because I don’t know how to be something more than that…anymore.
And on some level, maybe she knew that. Maybe that’s what those pitying smiles were about. I could not for the life of me soothe these warring feelings. On one hand, I wanted her back. For the rest of the week, I did everything I could to make up for what happened. For what a shitty, shitty Dominant I was—flowers, apologies, chocolates. I had no right—no place training anyone in this lifestyle when I, myself, couldn’t fucking do the one thing a Dominant is truly supposed to do. Protect. Protect and care for hissubmissive.
Maybe Lucy wasn’t meant for this lifestyle. I had no idea how intense her history with abuse was. I always thought BDSM was the salt that went on the wound—it was painful, but healing. But maybe for Lucy, it was like pouring acid on a wound rather than salt. Maybe this life wasn’t how she was meant to heal from her father andmother.
All these years, five years of short term relationships and casual sex—I told myself it was because it would dishonor Brie, but the truth was, I couldn’t. I only committed to a weekend at a time because outside of that, there was no fucking way I could successfully keep a submissive safe. I was a failure. I shouldn’t even be directing thismovie.
It was Friday night and this week gave new meaning to the saying: The days are long but the years are short. Or in this instance, the weeks areshort.
From our first day of filming, we’d been working long hours… six a.m. until nine p.m. My crew was exhausted. I could see it in their slow movement. Their dark circled eyes. And the way the coffee was brewing nonstop, and yet, always seemed empty. We were all wired. Exhausted. And they neededrest.
Though Silhouette doesn’t usually give the crew an entire weekend off, they needed it. Pierce had arrived on Wednesday—back from Croatia—and we’d spent extra hours rehearsing the scenes we needed to reshoot between our normal shooting schedule. They were beat. Hell, I was beat. Besides, we were switching over the sets tomorrow and Sunday, so unless they were part of the carpentry crew, there was no reason for them to put in the extra hours. Everyone seemed to perk up at the announcement, and all of a sudden my zombie crew was alive and cheering, hustling to get out of the studiofaster.
I was closing up my office when Jude, Marly, Pierce, and Neil rounded the corner, all smiles andlaughter.
I loved my friends, but watching their happiness only put a spotlight onto mymisery.
“Ash!” Neil called from down thehall.
God, I wished I could just duck my head and run the otherway.
Jude had his arm tightly around Marly’s waist, his thumb brushing her hip bone in slow, soft strokes absent-mindedly. Like he didn’t even realize he was doingit.
I used to do that. I used to stroke her hand, her back—mindlessly, not noticing. My throat closed at the thought because I missed how silky her skin was beneath mytouch.
Whose skin?Brie asked.Mine orLucy’s?
“We’re all going to Alma’s,” Marly said. “A little fun night out withPierce.”
Pierce swatted the air. “Oh come on. Let’s just consider it a celebration of the crew having a weekendoff.”
“Pierce, you have no idea what a life saver you are,” said Jude. “Chase is a decent actor, but he’s a totaldickhe—”
“Let’s just say this week with you has been a lot more enjoyable than the first two weeks of filming,” Marly said, with a side glance atJude.
“What do you say, boss?” Neil asked. “Youin?”
“Nah,” I said, trying to keep my voice light. “I should prep for Monday’s shoot and the set changeover tomorrow. Not all of us have the weekendoff.”
“Come on,” Jude nudged. “You’re at least taking one day off, right? Come out for one drink. The prep can wait anhour.”
He wasn’t wrong. The prep could wait. Hell, it could probably wait until Sunday night if I was being honest with myself. And frankly, I didn’t need to be here for the set changeover. We had producers and production coordinators to handle thatshit.
Just as I was about to decline again, Lucy walked by with Miguel. And she… what thehellwas she wearing? The black skirt barely hit her mid-thigh. Her normally flip-flop clad feet were now in some black high heels and she wore a sequin halter top that showed off her ample curves that I fucking loved so much. Makeup covered her face. Black smudgy eyeliner, nude glossed lips, contouring on her already sky-highcheekbones.
My cock was immediately hard and I was immediatelypissed.
