Page 38 of Callback
Even as I said those words again…it’s fine… for the millionth time in my life, the misery of loss twisted in my chest, wringing out like wet laundry.
Then, on cue, practically like he could read my thoughts, Jude brushed his hand over mine, meeting my stare head-on. “Don’t be afraid to wear your pain, Marly,” he said. “Wear it proudly, like your mother’s diamond ring. Wear it proudly like you’ll eventually wear Omar’s wedding band. Don’t shy away from that pain. But also, don’t let the jewels or the pain you wear outshine the sparkle in your eyes. Or,” he touched his hand to my chest, directly over my heart, “the sparkle in here.”
My breath caught and I was entranced by his gaze. The gentle touch of his fingers sparked inside of me and I wasn’t sure if I was affected more by his touch or by his words. But something in those words struggled inside me.Wear my pain?It went against everything my stoic father had taught me. “I’m not hiding anything.” Jesus. I sounded defensive, even to myself. “Sometimes you just have to put on a strong face and keep going…”
Jude nodded and stepped back. The absence of his touch was devastating. “Earlier today, you asked me why anyone would want pain. Why they would willingly accept it.”
“Yeah…”
“Well, a lot of people believe that being strong is not feeling pain. Pretending something doesn’t hurt, right? The whole, ‘put on a happy face’ bullshit. In my opinion, the strongest people are the ones who feel the pain. They feel it down to their bones… no, beyond their bones. They feel it in their soul, so deeply that it transcends any sort of physical pain. They feel it, first. They understand it, second. And they accept it, third.”
Those words resonated, hitting a chord inside me, and for a fast second, I heard the harmony in my heart. But just as quickly, doubt edged its way back in. “You’re telling me that in order to fully accept the pain and loss of my mother and father’s deaths, I need a Dom to whip the hell out of my ass?”
“I’m not telling you anything of what you need, Marly. I’m just saying that there’s a place for darkness, pain, and acceptance. And how a submissive might see a situation differently than you.”
“But… sometimes, you just need to put on the happy face. Sometimes you need to smile and be the sunshine you want to see in your life and ignore the pain. Ignore the shadows,” I fought back. What Jude said went against everything I believed. Everything my dad had taught me.
“Sometimes that can work. But too much sunshine is just as bad as not enough. It can cause dehydration… drought. Sometimes you need that shady tree to sit beneath. Sometimes you need a little darkness to gain perspective.”
“But—”
“Just think on it tonight after we go to bed. When I leave you alone with your thoughts, let it roll around in your mind. And now? Let’s have some dinner.”
My stomach growled and I looked at my phone. Eight o’clock already? Holy shit, the day flew by. “What’s for dinner?”
Jude pulled out his phone, opening up a delivery service. “Anything you want. Literally. The rest of the night is all about you and your pampering. You choose the food. You get to pick what we do after dinner. You can even wash your own face tonight,” he said, laughing. “Then, tomorrow? It really begins. Tomorrow, we transition you more into sub-life. Sound good?”
Good? I wasn’t sure ‘good’ was the word I’d use to describe my feelings. “So, I’m in charge for the rest of the night?”
Jude shrugged. “Yep. It’s always part of the fun with prep. Some of my subs don’t know what to do with it, so I skip this stage with certain women. The ones who are so in the lifestyle, they wouldn’t get pleasure from a prep day of control.” He slid his hands in his pocket. “But something told me, you above all else, would appreciate it.”
A wry grin pulled at my lips. “The first thing I want to do is change into clothes. Then, I want to order sushi. Cucumber and avocado rolls for me. Then… after dinner…” I pointed to the adjoining door. “I want to see your room.”
