Page 65 of His Beloved Princess
With a heavy heart, I started mindlessly pacing the apartment, stopping in every room just to recall great memories of the time I was happy here. But it was pure torture for me to even look in the bedroom without him.
So many things happened in that magnificent square room full of modern furniture. His belongings were screaming at me from every surface. His clothes, thrown over the chair in the corner, still smelled like him. His shirt was soaked with his favorite cologne and his manly scent. I felt the urge to dress in it and drown in his familiar, calming presence.
And without a second thought, I did exactly that. I removed my pants and blouse and put on his white button-up shirt. The expensive, cold fabric was in stark contrast with my hot skin, yet somehow, it soothed my tensed senses. I hugged my torso, pressing the material tighter against my body just to feel him with me more.
In some way, I felt so pathetically weak and broken, like without him, I was nothing but another average person who lived on earth. Yet, on the other hand, I also felt so uncomfortably strong. He showed me how special and undeniably important I was to him. He married me, even if it was only on paper, and was faker than my long red nails. But he did it. Theoretically, he wanted to spend his life with me.
I hid my face behind my palms, suppressing a loud sob. I didn’t want to cry anymore. I didn’t have the strength for it. My eyes were dried up. No tears were left. Only the emptiness in my chest stayed. The bottomless hole in the place where my heart was beating was growing evenly with every passing day.
I lifted my head and looked at myself in the mirror. It was on the other side of the room, and my reflection was scary. In the dim light from the lamp on the nightstand, I still resembled a tired ghost. It was a horrible sight. My platinum hair was messy like a bird’s nest. My hazel eyes were sunken and surrounded by dark circles. The skin on my face was dry and pale, and my bottom lip was bloody from the constant biting.
Fuck! I literally looked like I had just crawled out of the garbage can. If the shirt I wore wasn’t so expensive, someone would think I was some poor homeless wretch.
Releasing a deep breath, I straightened my spine and came closer to the mirror. I checked myself from head to toe, trying to see what Bastian saw in me every time he laid his gorgeous eyes on me. However, I couldn’t find the charm, grace, or elegance he mentioned when talking about me. I didn’t see the light in my eyes or the fire in my soul.
I saw a wreck.
Hanging my head low, I turned and left the bedroom. I couldn’t stay there alone. I would instead wander through the rooms and try to find another place to lie down and suffocate myself in sorrow.
About thirty minutes later, after inspecting a small gym, three guest rooms, and a spacious terrace, I stopped in front of the door into Bastian’s office. My bare feet were freezing because I walked out into the cold night half-naked and withoutshoes, but instead of running into the drawer to find some socks, I carefully opened the heavy black wooden door and peeked inside the dark room.
Turning the switch on, the white light blinded me for a moment, but then I looked around and gasped. The last time I was here, everything was neatly placed in perfect order, exactly as Bastian loved it. However, the room in front of me was complete chaos.
Papers and books were all over the floor. The glass on the photo frame of Bastian with his mother was broken, and something was spilled on it. The screen of his laptop was disconnected from the keyboard, and when I took a step, I almost cut my feet on broken glass. The room looked like it had been devastated by a storm, and I knew instantly that the tornado had a name: Mr. Sebastian Thorn.
Still shocked to the core, I walked to the desk, avoiding the sharp shards. I plopped in the office chair, almost falling on the floor because one side was knocked off. Looking down, I noticed a baseball bat at my feet, and things made much more sense. For example, how he’d ended up with a crushed coffee table, a half-destroyed bookshelf, or a hole in the screen of his desktop computer.
Bastian had demolished the entire room. He probably had some crazy rage attack and tore apart everything that was in his way. Or my disappearance stunned him so much that he just couldn’t help himself. He didn’t know where I was. He told me the other day that he was out of his mind because I left. And I understood his feelings perfectly. The only difference was that I wasn’t used to venting my frustration by smashing things.
Shaking my head in disbelief, I looked at the table before me. The paper on top of the pile caught my attention mostly because it was addressed to me.My Beloved Princess,it said, and as the breath hitched in my throat, my heart constricted in my chest. It was a letter for me.
With trembling fingers, I lifted the piece of paper to see what was written on it. Still, because I couldn’t comfortably sit on the broken chair, I cautiously walked to the unharmed couch and sat down, preparing myself for an emotional read. The first few words gave me goose bumps, and I was sure the rest would be thesame. But I had to know what he wrote for me, even when my heart threatened to give up. So, with a memory of him hugging me during the night, I started to read, imagining his deep, loving voice telling me the words from the paper.
My Beloved Princess,
First, I want to tell you I’m sorry. I’m sorry for having to explain myself like this because if you’re reading these words, I didn’t correct my mistakes.
My decision not to tell you about Rosalind pushed you away from me, and I couldn’t earn your trust again.
I destroyed our relationship and our bond, which is the most sacred thing to me. I’m sorry for not being brave enough to stand in front of you and tell you the truth. I’m sorry for not believing in you and your strength. I wanted to protect you so much that I forgot you are your own person, and you have the right to decide if you want to be with me.
With your signature on our contract, you gave yourself to me, and as possessive as I am, I just couldn’t lose you. Hiding the relationship with Rosalind was me preventing my deepest fear from happening because, let’s face it, I love her. And in my own weird, brotherly way, I will always love her. She was the first woman who owned my heart and shattered it. I won’t ever forget or stop caring for her because she is the part of me I’m not prepared to let go of.
I can’t ask you to understand what I feel for her, but I want you to know that what is between her and me has nothing to do with us. It’s a complicated and, for sure, extraordinary situation, but I was never unfaithful to you. You’ve taken hold of me since the first moment I saw you, and I know it’ll never change.
Which brings me to the next thing I need to confess to.
Months ago, when my mother died, I was in the darkest place I could ever find myself. With Elliot and his drug addiction, Rosalind and her state, and Peter, who, even when it was unintentional, was the reason behind the last act of drama in our family, work was the only good thing in my life that was able to drag me from the problems I couldn’t solve. Work and alcohol—too much of it.
So, when I saw you at my mother’s funeral, you were like a vision or an angel who came to save me. Since that very moment, you have been like a lighthouse inthe darkness that surrounds my heart while I’m a broken boat on the sea of all the destructive emotions, guided by you into the safety of your kindness. You are my safe haven, a harbor where I can rest, and a sanctuary where I always find peace in worshiping you.
You probably don’t know about this, but you saved me. You saved me from myself, and I’ll be forever grateful for this. You loved me when I was acting like a total asshole of a man. You stood by me when my anger was getting the best of me. You are my partner, lover, and the better and much more beautiful part of me. Please never forget that you are the most important person in my life. It doesn’t matter what happens to our relationship; It’ll always be this way. You areTHE ONEfor me.
In the beginning, as a simple man, I fell in love with your appearance. Because you’re a breathtaking woman, and I just couldn’t stop thinking about your sexy ass and gorgeous face. But knowing you completely changed the way I see you now. I still love your amazing body, which you don’t appreciate enough, but there is so much more to it.
I love the beauty of your heart and the splendor of your soul. I can’t get enough of your wide, radiant smile, which always brightens my day. I love how you’re looking at me like I’m the only man in the world. You’re making me better, softer, and, most importantly, happier. I know with absolute certainty that my days would be gloomier and darker without you. You are my entire world, my everything.
I’m not naive, and I know you’re not perfect; none of us is, but those imperfections make me love you even more. Maybe you don’t see it, and you probably don’t understand it, but it’s the simple truth. There was one woman before you; there will be none after you, my princess.
