Page 50 of Through Quick and Quinn
To say that I isolated myself that spring would be an understatement of epic proportions. I completely alienated myself from everyone. I couldn’t bring myself to look in Quinn’s direction at school, and I went days at a time without even talking to my parents at home. Old habits die hard.
It was during this time of total solitude that I had a revelation of sorts. But not about Quinn, not about my folks, and not about Geoffrey. About my digs. This sudden revelation was quite simple but struck me as very profound: Being aware of the lies that were woven into our society was a double-edged sword.
A total paradox.
A cursed blessing.
On one hand, knowing the variety of truths and mistruths around me was freeing, like I was being emancipated. Conversely, to be totally detached from others because they were not seeing the world in the same way I did was like shackling myself instead to seclusion and loneliness. While I often felt liberated when doing my research, the lack of connection with others brought about feelings that were agonizing in their own way. There was an incessant battle within me that I could never reconcile.
The revelation didn’t stop there.
The awareness of the hidden truths, even though I had only scratched the surface on a small amount of what I assumed was an endless number of topics, gave rise to a special kind of anguish. The sorrow and frustration that came with questioning everything around me was exhausting. It was nearly insufferable to have reservations about every belief I ever had, to be dubious of fundamental concepts, and to shatter the narratives of our lives.
I recognized that allowing myself to invite Quinn to share this process with me made it more bearable. Enjoyable even. I was able to experience a reprieve from a world of superficial dialogue. I could shovel in and dig deep but then still be able to navigate my days with an authentic friendship. I no longer needed to wonder if there were others out there like me, and to have that reciprocated support system was a remarkable addition to my life. I didn’t realize how much I was relying on it until I abruptly rejected it.
The demise of our friendship caused a level of destruction that I did not see coming. It set me back further than I was before our bond was created, and not only did I find myself disengaging with the world around me even more, but I also found myself putting down the shovel entirely. I never imagined wishing for that “blissful ignorance” that everyone talked about, but sure enough, there I was ending my junior year of high school doing just that. I decided that I was done digging, but never for a moment did I believe that ignorant bliss would actually follow.
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Hey Geoffrey,
I need someone to do this with me and you’re all I’ve got. So here goes nothing.
Ok, Google.
You too, Bing.
Brave.
Duck Duck Go.
All of you. Here we go.
Clear browsing history.
Clear cache.
Clear tabs.
Ok, that’s it.
No more rabbit holes.
No more digging.
I’m done.
For real this time.
Ugh. I’m already bored. I guess I should have done an internet search on hobbies before I made my grand exit.
Miss you.
-Deck
Monday, May 13, 2024
Note to self:
