Page 47 of Don't Break My Heart
Chapter 21
Walkingintomyroomfor the first time is odd. Just like Cruz said, Jagger has had it all fixed up perfectly so you wouldn’t even know Syd had been here and destroyed everything. But it still doesn’t feel quite like it used to. I open my closet and find a selection of clothes waiting for me. Thank God, he thought to have them replaced as well or I would be stuck in the jeans and T-shirt I escaped in last night. I take a form-fitting black dress off the rail that screams boss and head into my attached bathroom for a shower. I need to pull myself together so I can somewhat resemble the woman they all expect me to be.
I strip out of yesterday’s clothes and turn the water on to steaming hot, checking the temperature a few times before I step under the spray. Fuck, my head is full of clouds this morning. I scrub a hand over my face then wet my hair, trying to wash away the sick feeling lodged in the pit of my stomach. Why did Onyx keep working for me when he didn’t have to? He never once showed any interest in me, not until Romeo was on the scene, anyway. Then I’m sure it was just jealousy that got the better of him. I don’t get it at all. I know he said he made a promise to my mom that he would protect me, but I was a teenager then, it’s been years. Him still guarding me now is more than a promise to a woman he couldn’t save.
As I rinse my conditioner out, my bedroom door flies open, crashing into the adjacent wall with a loud bang.
What the fuck? I quickly shut off the water and make a grab for my towel to cover myself up. If this is Jagger throwing a tantrum, I’m not going to be impressed.
There staring back at me from the doorway is Onyx. His eyes lock with mine, a rage coming off him that makes me take a couple of shaky steps back. “What the fuck are you playing at?” he growls.
I shut my eyes for a second and suck in a deep breath, trying to get my shit under control. “I would have liked to be dressed for this conversation, Onyx. But since you have boundary issues, here goes.” I step out of the bathroom, tucking my towel under my arm, my wet hair running down my back. “I don’t need a bodyguard anymore. I’m not in any danger here in Ravens Hollow anymore, and I want to be left alone to get on with my life.” I don’t take a breath as I force the words out of my mouth. They’re hard to say, but they need to be said. I can’t keep living like this. A shadow of the woman I should be because I’m constantly wrapped in cotton batting.
His cold expression sends a chill down my spine. “You think this is over just because we’re back home? This is the fucking beginning, trouble. You’re not safe here any more than you were in Italy. The world knows who you belong to.”
Frustrated and not able to look at his furious glare any longer, I turn and grab a towel, flicking my hair up and into it so it’s not dripping all over my plush carpet. I suck in a breath, trying to find some inner strength, then I turn back to face him head-on. “Not anymore. I signed the divorce papers. It’s done, Onyx.”
When he doesn’t say anything, just keeps glaring at me, I decide it’s time to just get on with it. I don’t want to waste the whole morning standing around arguing. I have a job to do. I drop my towel so I can shimmy into my underwear. I know his eyes are on me, I can feel themburning my skin, but this is nothing he hasn’t seen before, and I don’t have time for this shit.
Gently I feel his hand come to my shoulder, and it sends a scattering of goosebumps dancing over my skin. Why does he have this effect on me even when I’m so angry with him? “You can’t push me away,” he says softly.
I turn slowly to face him, staring up at him in a way that kills me because I can see how much I’m hurting him right now. But what about the hell they have put me through? “I can’t do this anymore, Onyx. You have all hurt me too much.” I suck in a shaky breath. “I need to try and rebuild, and I can’t do it with you constantly looking over me.”
His fingers move down my sides, gripping my waist firmly. “I won’t walk away from you,” he says with more determination.
I study his face; he looks like he’s in pain even under his cold exterior. “Because I’m a job, a promise you made to my mother before she died, or because you want something more with me?”
His eyes flash with something dark and dangerous. “You fucking know what you mean to me.”
“No, I don’t. You told me to follow your fucked-up rules, to be a good girl and do as you said, to let you protect me, but most of all to never fall in love with you. You failed, Onyx. You failed to protect me, because you hurt me more than I ever thought you could. You all betrayed me, bringing me home when you knew what I wanted to do over there in Italy. You knew I didn’t want to walk away. Worst of all, you broke me because I fell in love with you.” Oh, fuck, the words tumble out even though I know I shouldn’t let them.
Onyx isn’t like the others and maybe that’s why I say it. This will push him away forever. It’s the final nail in the coffin of what was our relationship. And as I stare back at his angry face, I know it’s for thebest. He was never going to give me what I wanted. A partnership, love—for him it’s all about control. And I’m done with that life.
I take a step out of his hold on me feeling a little stronger already. I can do this on my own, it’s the only way. “That’s what I thought. I’m just a job for you. I don’t understand why, what you get out of it. But that doesn’t even matter anymore.” I turn away from him. Not able to look at him anymore, it’s too painful.
Before I get the chance to step back into the bathroom, his strong hands grip me at the waist, turning me quickly and shoving me into the solid wall of my bedroom. He stares down at me, his eyes wide and furious. “It matters.” His eyes search my face, and I have no idea what they are looking for. What he really means. “It matters. I stayed because I couldn’t walk away from you. Not back then, not now. Sloane, I didn’t want you to fall in love with me because I knew there would be no chance of getting out of this unscathed. I have been in love with you for years.”
My heart hammers in my chest so damn hard I think it’s going to explode. He’s been in love with me for years? What the actual fuck! I stare back at him, opening and closing my mouth a few times trying to find words to make sense of this. “H…how could you hurt me like you did? You let Orlando drug me and get me on that jet against my will. You fucking know it, you’re not innocent here.”
I see the flash of guilt, he fucking knows he fucked up. “For your safety,” he says with a steely determination.
“For your peace of mind.” I huff out a laugh, knowing it’s true. “Not one of you could trust me to make my own choices. But that’s the last time. From now on, I’m in charge of my life. If you really love me like you say you do, you will respect me enough to let me make my own choices.”
His fingers dig in a little tighter. “Trouble,” he mutters out like he’s in pain.
I blink back at him, pain radiating through me. All I have wanted for years is for this man to tell me he feels the same way for me as I do for him. He finally did, and I know I have to let him go. A lump gets caught in my throat. “Let me stand on my own two feet. Please, Onyx.”
He lowers his lips to mine, kissing me savagely. In a way only Onyx can, and I let him, because it’s what I need as well. I have loved this man for as long as I can remember. He has always been there for me, and maybe that’s the problem. His hands come to both sides of my face and he grips hold of me. My hands move to his chest, and I push him away, breaking our kiss. When he pulls away, I’m breathless and panting, confusion swirling through my brain because I know what my body wants. My body wants him to throw me down on my bed and show me how much he loves me, but my head… my head knows I have to walk away.
He stares deep into my eyes. “Okay, trouble. You’re on your own.” He takes a step back from me, and I feel the loss immediately.
Have I just made the biggest mistake of my life?
He looks back just once before he leaves my room.
I take hold of the wall in front of me for support so I don’t crumple to the floor below. My heart is shattering into tiny pieces. I know this is for the best, but it doesn’t mean it hurts any less.
I flinch when the front door clicks shut. He’s really gone. He’s really going to give me the space I need. Part of me thought he would never agree. I try to shake off the empty feeling I’m left with. I need to get my shit together and head in to work. Today I take my life back.
