Page 72 of Chasing Stars
“Did youknow?” she shouts. “Miles. I need the truth.”
I swallow and nod, never taking my eyes off her.“I suspected,” I rasp. “After the day at the beach.” I take a step closer to her.
Jenna lets out a broken sound—half gasp, half sob and then glares at me. “Why wouldn’t you tell me?” Her voice cracks. She doesn’t wait for an answer. She turns and runs down the hall into my bedroom.
Helpless and ashamed, I follow. She shoves her things into a pile, hands shaking, face streaked with tears.
I lean in the doorway, watching, unsure of where to begin. “Jenna,” I begin slowly.Say something, you idiot.
“I thought I could trust you!” she hisses. “My world has been falling apart, but it was okay, because I found you. And you love me. But none of that is true, is it? If youlovedme, you’d never have kept this from me.” Jenna crumples to the floor, tucking her knees up to her chest, lost in silent devastation. Her tears fall quietly but the weight of them is crushing. When she manages to speak, she says, “My dad would be alive if it wasn’t for you. You have no idea what this feels like. To be hopelessly in love with the man who took my father away.”
“Don’t you think I know that? Don’t you think I feel terrible? Trust me, I’d have rather died if it meant he got to live, and you got to keep your dad.” I’m unsure if she wants my comfort or my excuses but this is tearing me apart. Her anger at me confirmsmy worst fears—I’m a failure at this. I’d never be good enough for her.
When she doesn’t respond, I swallow the knot in my throat and continue, prepared to beg. “Jenna, I tried to tell you this morning. Before—before we were interrupted,” I mutter.
She looks up from her knees, wiping her eyes and sniffling. “That’s another thing. Where were you all day?”
I wince as if I’ve been slapped. I have no excuses. I left her to worry about me all day, and I have been carrying around this secret for weeks. “I was sleeping.” I shrug weakly.
“Sleeping?” Jenna scoffs, standing up. “What? I left here upset, and you went back to bed?” Jenna scoops as many of her belongings as she can hold in her arms.
“The conversation with Erin exhausted me, I’m sorry,” I say defensively, holding up my hands.
“Well, Miles, clearly I was wrong about you,” Jenna mutters, sniffling again.
“Jenna, you weren’t wrong about me. I love you—don’t you want to hear my side of the story?” My chest constricts with rising panic. If she walks out of here, it will be impossible to get her back.
Jenna drops the pile of clothes on the bed and puts her hands on her hips. “Sure, Miles. Let’s start with this. How long have you known?”
I audibly gulp and force a steady breath.
“Howlong have youknown,Miles?” Jenna demands sharply, narrowing her eyes. She must realize it’s been a while.
I stare at my feet. “I figured it out that day at the beach. I started suspecting it when you said your dad had a heart attack there,” I say hesitantly. “So, I asked my mom. The day I built her skeleton. She didn’t remember his name, just that he had a young daughter…and that he died. I didn’t know until skeletonday that the man who had saved me had died, I swear.” I shift uncomfortably.
“Your family knows?” Jenna’s voice rises. “You let me go to dinner with them yesterday, and everyone there knew but me?” Jenna starts collecting her items again.
I exhale. “I don’t think anyone knew for sure…” I let my voice drop, unsure how to make this better.
Jenna glares at me. “Miles, you kept alife-changingsecret from me.” Her eyes fill with fresh tears. “How can I trust you now?” She brushes past me. “I need some time,” she calls over her shoulder.
I close my eyes, feeling the sting of my own tears. I fucked up.Of courseI fucked up. It’s what I do. I should go after her but what’s the use? I’m no good for her. She’s better off without me.
37
JENNA
Irace down Miles’s steps, my vision clouded with tears and the pile of clothes in my hands. I unlock the backseat of my car and throw the clothes on the seat and slide in next to them, taking a moment to collect myself. I need to control my breathing and calm down, but my pulse is racing. I can get through this. I’m used to being on my own. In fact, I might prefer it. Sure, I got swept up by Miles for a bit, but that was just fun. Maybe there was even a part of me that expected this to happen. I was naive to think I could rely on anyone but myself to be my safe space.I can’t trust that Miles loves me for me—or if he loves me out of obligation for his life.
Still, I let myself feel it all. I cry harder than I’ve cried in weeks as reality sets in. I thought maybe I found a place here with Miles, but I was wrong. I am alone. I will probably be alone forever. I know Icanbe alone—but I was hoping not to be. Self-pity settles over me like a thick fog. I have no home to go back to, no job, and I owe way too much money on this house to ever be able to afford to stay here.And how could I? Memories of life with my parents here are reflected in everything.
I love my dad so much.
Why did he have to go back that day?
I lost my dad because he saved the boy who would grow into the man I love.
“I cannot believe this is happening,” I cry to no one but myself. My feelings are all over the place. And still, there’s a part of me that wishes Miles would come running down the steps. I really believed there was something real between us. Now, I don’t know what to believe—I feel so deceived.
