Page 138 of The Space Between
Leaning over, I cup his cheek, looking at the dark circles under his tired eyes. They widen. “Are you okay?” he asks.
He’s still haunted, but he’s not carrying the weight of his family anymore. This is new weight. Fear for me, about whatalmosthappened. He carries in all those beautiful, broken eyes. I kiss his mouth, softly. His lips cling for a second. When I pull back, he sighs. “I’m fine. Better than fine. I love you. But Gruene, you’ve been checking all the boxes,” I say, walking closer. “Making sure I’m safe. That I’m fed. That we lock the doors. You’re doing all the right things. But are you reallyhere, Gruene? I am. I’m right here. In front of you. Are you” I smooththe lines in his forehead with my fingertips. “Or are you lost in that head of yours again?”
He inhales, deeply. Then, he exhales. “I’m here. I am. I just—I don’t know how to do this, Blakelyn. I don’t. But I am here. I’m trying because I love you, too,” he mutters.
My heart swells.
He is. He’s trying.
I swallow hard. “Then, let me show you.”
He looks at me like I’m sunlight and poison all at once.
“You think you want this.. want me…” he says. “But I’m not wired for gentle anymore.”
“I never wanted you to be gentle, Gruene” I say, leaning closer on the seat. “I just want you to be real… to be here… and you are.” He flinches and I run my thumb along his cheek. He turns his face further into my palm. “I love you. I loved you when you were pushing me away. I loved you when you held me in the dirt and said it back. I love you now, even though you’re trying to disappear into yourself again.” My heart cracks wide open. “So, you have a choice… you can keep hiding in the mess of your head,” I whisper. “Or you can let me love youin the mess, in the ruin, in the scars. But you have toletme.”
Silence stretches between us.
He leans forward, grabs me like he’s drowning and I’m the lifeboat, and he kisses me like I’m the air he forgot he needed. It’s not pretty. It’s not soft. It’s desperate. His hands are in my hair at the back of my neck, anchoring me. His mouth is everywhere as he kisses the sides of my lips, my cheekbones, my eyelids, the tip of my nose, and then, he returns to me mouth groaning against it, “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, Blakelyn. But I can’t fucking stop loving you. Or needing you.”
“Then… don’t,” I whisper.
He kisses me again and this time, he doesn’t let go.
Gruene
I don’t let goof her… not when she breaks the kiss and gasps for enough air to fill her lungs… not when she blinks up at me like I’m still halfway to vanishing… not when the air around us shifts into something raw and irreversible.
She loves me.
She calls me on my shit.
She sees me even when I’m trying to fold myself into the past.
I’ve got nothing left to hide behind.
So… I’ll keep holding her.
One hand is on the nape of her neck. The other is on her lower back. Her breath is ragged against my throat.
“I don’t want to be afraid of this anymore,” she whispers. “Not of you. I’m not afraid of you. I’m just afraid of losing you.”
Oh, Blakelyn.
“You don’t have to be. I’m here. I’m in this, Blakelyn. I love you.”
I feel her nod, just barely but it’s the truth underneath that scares the hell out of me.
I’m the one that’s scared shitless… not of losing her.
I’m afraid I already have, and she’s just too brave to leave me yet.
I’m afraid that when she realizes how strong she really is, she will leave because she can.
That she’ll see how broken and damaged I am and decide I’m not worth it.
And if she does… I will not be able to take it.
