Page 69 of What If I Hate You
"An out?" Ella repeats, her voice rising. "What does that even mean?"
I take a deep breath, feeling the weight of all their stares. "Look, I panicked, alright? I woke up with her in my arms, and it felt… it felt too good. Too right. And that scared the shit out of me. And then she mentioned work so I assumed she wanted to leave."
“But what are you afraid of?” Scarlett finally jumps in after listening to my story.
“Every goddamn thing!” I run my hand through my hair, tugging at the roots in frustration. “I’m afraid of the fact I'vespent months pretending to hate her when really I've been losing my mind over her. About what it means for both our careers if this gets out. Especially hers. I've never felt this way about anyone before and it fucking terrifies me."
The words tumble out before I can stop them, and a heavy silence falls over the table. Even baby Juniper, strapped to Ledger's chest, seems to pause her gurgling to stare.
"I don't know what to do," I admit, slumping back against the booth. "I've never been in this position before."
Layken leans forward, her eyes narrowing with the precision of a sniper. "You know what your problem is, Cunningham? You're scared of the one thing in your life you can't control with a hockey stick."
"Which is?" I challenge, though I already know the answer.
"Love, you idiot," she says bluntly. "You're falling for her, and instead of admitting it, you pushed her away."
The word hits me like a slap. Love. Is that what this is? This constant, gnawing ache in my chest whenever I think about Blakely? This need to see her smile, to hear her laugh, to be the one who protects her? Is that what love is?
"I'm not—" I start, but Harrison cuts me off with a snort.
"Don't even try to deny it, Teddy Bear. We've all seen how you look at her when you think no one's watching."
I feel like I've been checked into the boards.
Is it that obvious?
Have I been walking around with my feelings plastered across my face this whole time?
My jaw clenches as I stare down at the greasy fries. "Fine. I have feelings for her. Strong ones. But that doesn't change the fact that I fucked everything up."
"So, what exactly did you say to her?" Marlee asks, her voice taking on that journalist tone that reminds me so much of Blakely it makes my chest ache.
I swallow hard. "I basically implied that what happened between us might have been a mistake."
A collective groan rises from the table. Even baby Juniper cries disapprovingly.
"You absolute moron," Marlee murmurs, but there's sympathy beneath her harsh words. "Do you know how hard it is for someone like Blakely to let her guard down? She built her entire career on being untouchable, on never showing vulnerability. And then you," she jabs a finger at me, "got to see her at her most vulnerable.”
Scarlett nods. “And then you took advantage of her and?—”
“Whoa, wait a minute.” I raise my hands in defense. “I did no such thing.”
Ella waves off my defense. “Right but imagine what it now looks like to her, Bear. In her eyes, she was vulnerable. You played the part of the bully turned nice guy so you could get into her pants and then you told her it was a goddamn mistake."
“And not only that,” Marlee adds, “you just proved what all the dumbass sexist men in that press room have accused her of. That she sleeps with those at the top to get preferential treatment.”
I sink lower in my seat, the truth of Marlee’s words hitting me like puck to the face. “I…I didn’t mean to hurt her.” The mere thought of Blakely hurting because of me twists something deep in my chest. “What do I do?”
There’s a collective silence around the table and then August squares his shoulders. “You grovel, man.”
“What?” I scoff. “I don’t grovel.”
"You absofuckinglutely grovel," Layken says flatly, stealing one of my fries. "Like, full-on, get-down-on-your-knees grovel."
I wince. "I'm not sure Blakely would appreciate a public display like that."
"No," Marlee agrees, leaning forward. "She wouldn't. But she would appreciate honesty. That's what she values more than anything."
