Page 82 of The Legend Next Door
I’veneverfeltanemotional high like it. I’ve never had sex like that either, but that’s stating the obvious. I don’t think I’ve ever been truly fucked before. Not like that. Not until there was nothing left of me. Not until everything I have and everything I am was laid out on display for another person. Not until I have no idea how to scrape myself up and put myself back together.
It’s been hours since it happened. I’ve been home for a while. I’m on my sofa, and I can’t remember the last time I moved. The entire scene from this morning is playing over and over in my mind, and the weird thing is I’m not even sure I’m horny right now.
I think I came so hard my DNA has been rewritten.
My dick twitches in my pants, and I realize I am hard. My body still wants Ben, but my brain is in a strange, sated place it’s never been in before.
Every time I think about what happened, the memory loop gets shorter. I’m unable to play the whole scene over from the beginning and run all the way through the events as they happened. The kiss fades first, then the walk upstairs, then being naked and sick with desire as Ben undressed so fucking slowly, he probably broke something in my mind, and that’s why I’m like this now.
The memory fades and fades until, eventually, all I’m left with is the end. The desperate, punishing surge as he filled me, the quick shift of my organs moving to accommodate him, the air being forced in and out of my lungs on the back of his thrusts. The indescribable pleasure. The excruciating agony of bliss that was bigger than me.
But most of all, most of all, the thing I can’t stop thinking about is the end. When Ben made me roll over and fucked me with his fingers as he sucked me. I was out of my skin. I was as far from myself as I’ve ever been, and there was only one single, solitary thought in my head.
Don’t.
Don’t say it.
Don’t say I love you.
It scared the shit out of me.
I had no idea I was there, in love, or that it was even something I had to worry about accidentally saying.
Now that the dust has settled, I’m not sure why it’s come as such a massive shock. It’s obvious I’ve had the world’s most colossal crush on Ben pretty much since the day I met him. Even now, in a sober state of mind, I truly believe he’s an exceptional human being and the most perfect man in the entire world. I honestly do believe he’s the best-looking person on the planet, despite Marcus and Ness assuring me separately and together that he’s only “normal good-looking.”
So, all the signs of being stupidly in love were there. They’ve been there for a while. I’ve just been ignoring them.
Marcus got here a while ago, and I’m sitting on the sofa with him, legs crossed at the knee, tapping my foot uncontrollably as I fight the urge to pace around the living room. Or run to Ben’s house, scale the wall, and break into his bedroom because the only thing I can think of that will make me feel less crazy is seeing Ben’s beautiful face and hearing his voice, which, by the way, I think is also perfect.
Marcus glances at his wrist and says, “Twenty-two minutes. Wow. It’s official. That’s the longest you’ve gone without talking since I met you. What gives, Jer?”
“Sorry! I don’t know what’s gotten into me.”
It’s a lie but a necessary one.
I wish I could tell him what’s happening with Ben. I’m not even a hundred percent sure why I haven’t. Nothing Ben’s done has given me the impression he thinks we’re some kind of secret. He put his arm around me at the rink in front of everyone and said, “Fuck ’em,” so I really don’t think he’s bothered. At the same time, men put their arms around each other sometimes. Especially when sports are involved. It’s a normal thing for friends to do, so maybe he wasn’t overly worried people would think we’re together.
We’ve both made an effort not to do anything obvious around Luca. I think that’s normal though. I don’t think anyone puts on displays of affection around their kids when a relationship is new and completely undefined. At least, I don’t think they should. Things could change at any time, and then the poor kid could be invested and unsettled and all that.
No, it would be a nightmare and a minefield to navigate. I think any responsible parent would want to be sure of a relationship before they tell their kid about it.
Panic attacks with a passion.
Oh God.
What if Ben’s not sure about me? What if he’s unsure about being with a guy? What if he’s just trying it out to see if he likes it? What if he’s just having fun? What if I’m a rebound?
What if he’s experimenting and, like a fucking idiot, I’ve gone and fallen madly in love with him?
“I’m a million miles away, Moop,” I say when I remember I’m the one who was talking. “You deserve better. Sorry. I’ll try to do better. How’ve you been? What’s happening at work? Tell me everything.”
“You’ve been a million miles away for a while now,” he says mildly. “About nine weeks, by my calculation.”
It’s uncanny how Marcus is able to link everything back to Ben. Almost like a hidden talent. I wouldn’t mind as much if he had a different way of doing it. Ness and I talk about Ben all the time, and yes, I feel gently scolded by her every time it happens but not judged. Never judged. The way Marcus does it is dark-eyed and deep-voiced. Disappointed in me. Disappointed that I’m an idiot and disappointed that I’m out of touch with reality despite his best efforts to enlighten me—he actually said that. He said it several times. I mean, he didn’t say that I’m an idiot. That was implied. He said I’m out of touch with reality.
I’m desperate to talk to someone about what’s been happening with Ben. I’d love to tell Ness all about it and get her take on things, but I don’t want to tell her first because I don’t want to share a secret this big with her and not with Marcus.
I’ve tried to tell him. I have. I know I’m going to have to tell him sometime. It’s just that every time I try to form the words, they dry up on the back of my tongue.
