Page 54 of Viper
I look back at the raised scar and slowly lick my bottom lip.
“Hurt,” I admit, “heartbroken, unwanted, broken, lonely…”
“That’s a lot of pain to feel all at once,” she remarks, and I nod.
“It was, and all I wanted to do was call Jaylen,” I admit.
“Why didn’t you then?” she asks.
I chew my bottom lip, my eyes tearing up, and I admit, “Because I slept with someone else.”
“You feel like you cheated,” she confirms, and my tears fall.
“It’s ridiculous, right?” I ask, “We weren’t together, and yet I feel like I betrayed him.” I sniffle, “I was drunk, really drunk, and it wasn’t until the guy had walked away that I sobered up enough to realize what I did, and I threw up.”
“What happened next, Lake?” she asks, prompting me to continue.
We’ve gone over my childhood, the feeling of loneliness being homeschooled, but not this, not about me finding out about the pregnancy, the cutting.
I sob, “I went to get the morning after pill, even though he used a condom but the woman wouldn’t give me what I needed because I didn’t know when my last period was.”
“You realized you were pregnant,” she finishes for me, and I nod, and she confirms, “You thought you didn’t deserve the baby.”
I look at her and ask, “Do I though?” my tears fall, “I got drunk while pregnant, I allowed some man I could barely even see touch me, I started to cut even knowing I could be putting the baby at risk, I didn’t eat properly and I tried to contact adoption agencies behind Jaylen’s back. Do I really deserve this baby?”
“The question is, do you think you deserve it?” she retorts.
I shake my head and deny, “No, I don’t. Just like I don’t deserve Jaylen.”
“Why don’t you deserve Jaylen?” she asks, and I scoff.
“Where do I start?” I say, “He omitted that he was a brother. I knew brothers were worried about women wanting their patch, yet instead of understanding it, I got upset with him. He told me he slept with my mother, who didn’t want me, way before he even met me, and I still got upset with him. For months, instead of trying to talk to him, to communicate with him, I argued, Iallowed him to think crap that wasn’t the truth, then I kept the knowledge of his baby from him.”
“You were hurting, Lake,” Dr. Gren states, “You were going down a dark path and you couldn’t see the end of the tunnel because he was your end, he was your light that kept you going because you fell in love with him and when you broke up you became blinded,” she closes her book, “You’re being very hard on yourself, you both are really. You mentioned he’d never been in love before and that you’d never been in a relationship, and it takes a lot of hard work to come out on the other side when you go through hard times, and I honestly believe this is just a hard time.”
“But I slept with someone else,” I whisper, not able to move past it.
“You did, but like you said, you weren’t together.” She says, “Okay, it’s the end of the session and you have someone in the family room… Now, before you go, I have some homework for you, Lake. I want you to picture your future and write down what you see, whether it’s you as a doctor and single or a mom with Jaylen by your side, I want you to write it down, and in the next session, we’re going to decipher it.”
I nod and slowly stand, my body trembling, and I slowly walk to the door before she calls, “Lake,” and I turn her way. She smiles and says, “I want the honest truth in your letter, don’t hold back what you wanted for your future before depression took hold of you.”
I nod and whisper, “I promise I’ll write the truth,” and she smiles.
I turn and leave the light yellow room, walking down the hallway towards the family room at the end.
I don’t know who is here.
Jaylen came last week with Venom so I’m not expecting him again, he’s done his duty and I’ve already said I don’t wantthe girls here. Unless its Raya here to come kick my ass for telling Venom her daddy died but I didn’t say he was technically murdered, or well, death by man slaughter anyhow, only that the Hyenas did set the fire.
She wants revenge, the Hyenas being the ones who killed her father unintentionally and again, I never told Venom that, but I am hoping he’ll come to realize it and save her before she self-destructs with revenge.
Taking a deep breath, I open the door and walk through, but I freeze as Jaylen stands up, smiling at me, and my tears begin to brim.
“You’re back,” I choke.
He tilts his head and asks, “Of course I’m back, shorty, where else am I supposed to be?”
I sniffle and I admit, “On the road.”
