Page 38 of The Academy
Except, of course, that she will. Boarding schools have been historically rife with scandal; Audre has heard some chilling stories over the years. For example, a student at one of the oldest, most prestigious schools took a spring break trip to Venezuela and returned with three hundred thousand dollars’ worth of cocaine that he’d (rather ingeniously) stuffed inside tennis balls, which he then sewed back up and transported in their cans. He was caught with the drugs at Logan Airport, and further investigation revealed a spreadsheet on the student’s laptop with the names of a dozen other students who had paid him for the cocaine in advance.
There was an incident at a different school where a student made chloroform in the chemistry lab, soaked a rag in it, and placed said rag under another student’s pillow in what was termed an “attempted murder.”
Audre experienced a certain amount of schadenfreude (a word that may have been invented for Heads of Schools) when she heard these stories: Thank god them and not us. Tiffin became the recipient of ISNEC’s thoughts and prayers last May when Cinnamon took her own life, though Audre knew what the other Heads were thinking:Thank god them and not us.
This year, in addition to certain cosmetic improvements (Audre had the cushions of the Senior Sofa restuffed and reupholstered in the same green velvet with gold cord piping) and the promising athletic contests (the field hockey and football teams are playing Colbert, the same school they played every year during Family Weekend becauseit’s the only one they can reliably beat), there will be a seminar focusing on mental health, led by the chaplain, Laura Rae. Audre felt this was appropriate, though she’s already received an email from Dub Austin’s mother, Karen, asking why Audre hasn’t hired a proper school psychologist to lead the seminar. Audre wrote back that they do have a school psychologist on call, but unfortunately, Dr. Pringle’s son is getting married this weekend in La Jolla, hence, Laura Rae will be stepping in.
Karen Austin wrote back that she’d expected more from Tiffin, more from Audrepersonally,since the mental health of the students was at risk. And what could Audre do but respond:You’re absolutely right, Karen. I’m doing the best I can under the circumstances. Please know that the students’ mental health is of paramount concern to everyone here at Tiffin. I’m confident Laura Rae will conduct a meaningful discussion.
Karen sent back the thumbs-up emoji, which might as well have been a middle finger.
Audre could use some help on the front lines, and so she texts Big East:What time will you be arriving on Friday?
Not coming,Big East responds.I’ll be in Tokyo.
Audre blinks. Notcoming? Big EastlovesFamily Weekend. The past two years, he lorded over every event, showing off all the places where his money had made a difference. (Audre will admit, it’s a lot of places.) It must be killing Big East to miss it and yet, when Audre does a gut check, she finds she’s more glad than sad. Big East won’t be around doing his usual crowing. (It bugged her that Audre was the person with boots on the ground but Big East claimed all the glory.)
Audre will ask Cordelia to serve as her lieutenant. Honey Vandermeid will be swarmed by fifth-form parents asking her opinion of the ACT versus the SAT. (“Which test is easier?”)
Audre looks out the window of her private library across Jewel Pond, which reflects the scarlet and gold leaves of the surrounding woodlands. She recalls her predecessor, Chester Dell, telling her that the key to a successful year was keeping the school running smoothly until Family Weekend. After that, Chester said, the wheels can fall off the bus.The parents won’t be back until they come to pick up their little darlings for the summer. As long as they’re dazzled by the foliage, can celebrate wins for the teams, and are plied with plenty of top-shelf liquor, and as long as the faculty mention how much they’ve enjoyed getting to know young Melissa and David in class, these parents will leave contented and will write a nice check to the Annual Fund before they go.
Although Audre found this advice shabby at first—it was her intent to not only uphold Tiffin standards but improve on them every single day—she now understands he was, for the most part, correct. She just has to keep things sunny and upbeat through the weekend.
She clicks out of her letter and rereads the ISNEC email. Douglas Worth is using the power granted to him as chairperson to invalidate the great strides Audre has made with the school since she took over as Head. Howdarehe! There’s a reason the students call him “Worthless”: They can smell his underlying insecurity.America Today’s rankings must give his life more meaning than Audre even realized. A part of her is tempted to stroke his ego. Should she reach out to Doug privately and remind him that the Tiffin students gave rousing applause for Northmeadow’s marching band, even though their rendition of “All of the Lights” was a bit anemic?
No, she won’t. She’s above that.Let them inquire all they want,Audre thinks.Tiffin was ranked number two fair and square.
At least, she hopes so.
The day before Family Weekend begins, the atmosphere in the’Bred Bulletinoffice is tense.
“We’re fucked,” Ravenna Rapsicoli says. Ravenna is wearing one of her mob-wife outfits: black leather pants and a red satin bustier that shoves her breasts forward in a way that’s impossible to ignore. She lords these breasts over Levi, who is sitting at the student paper’s massive computer terminal arranging the layout. (Levi is the only one who understands how to operate the software.) “We’re supposed to publish the first edition of theBulletinin time for Family Weekend and we have almost no content.”
They do have content,Charley thinks. There’s the lead article about Tiffin being ranked the number two boarding school in the country byAmerica Todaywith quotes from students and faculty, all of whom expressed the predictable joy as well as some bemusement. “It doesn’t make any sense,” fifth-former Tilly Benbow said. “I’m not sure we’re better than Hill School or Middlesex—but whatever, I didn’t make the list.”
There’s also an article about the football team winning the most games since the school’s inception. Grady wrote this article, but it doesn’t include quotes from Coach Bosworth or any of the players because Grady—who’s five-foot-two, weighing in at 107 pounds—was too intimidated to go into the locker room after practice.
Ravenna was incredulous. “Athletes love journalists.”
Grady shook his head. “Athletes strip journalists naked, tie them up with jump ropes, and throw them in the showers. That’s what happened to my friend at Brownwell-Mather; he was too afraid to tell anyone, but it came out on that app I was telling you about—”
“Oh my god, enough already about the app,” Ravenna said. She decided to just run the football story without any quotes.
What Ravenna means when she says the paper has no “content” is that it has no gossip for her baby,Page 114.Ravenna wrote a juicy bit about the breakup of “Tiffin’s cutest couple,” and somehow TaylorWilson got wind of it and confronted Ravenna, saying that if she printed it, there would be consequences. (Taylor’s mother, Kathy Wilson, is a litigation attorney in Philadelphia and sits on Tiffin’s board, so this felt like more than an empty threat.)
“There has to be other stuff going on,” Ravenna says. She eyeballs Charley. “You live on the first floor of South; that’s where all the drama is. Davi and her minions. Any secrets there?”
Charley does her best to convey nonchalance. “Secrets with Davi? You’re kidding, right? If her period comes a day early or the guava-berry hair mask she ordered arrives, one point three million people know about it instantly.”
“One point four,” Levi says. “She’s up to one point four on TikTok.”
“But still only one point three on Instagram,” Grady says.
“It’s pathetic that you two know that,” Ravenna says. “And yet you’re both completely useless in the gossip department.”
Grady gives Ravenna a pair of puppy dog eyes. Levi sighs and turns back to the computer.
“How’s your list coming?” Ravenna asks Charley.
