Page 15 of Between Now and Forever
“Mom! My ping is, like, two thousand, and I’m getting killed before I can even render in!” Carter shouts from upstairs. “My ping was two at home! This isn’t fair!”
His little voice makes me smile, even though my heart pulls that he still calls Boston “home.”Of course he does. Give him some time.I wipe my eyes with my hands and clear my throat.
“Speak English, please!” I shout back.
“Our internet sucks!”
I smile. “I can’t help it.”
“I can’t live like this.”
“It’s a travesty, I know.”
His door closes. His steps are a bit heavier on the floor than they were earlier.
I take a breath and spot the old pancake advertisement my mother hung in her kitchen for decades, tacked to the wall above the baker’s rack. My apron, the one Christopher purchased for me the Christmas before he passed, hangs off a hook by the broom closet. The refrigerator holds magnets the boys made when they were younger. School pictures, handprints dipped in paint and laminated for eternity, and one sequined blob I’ve never entirely understood from Dylan’s first-grade year.
Part of me thought I should declutter as we packed up the Boston house. I took each magnet off the fridge, intending to throw them away. But those silly little trinkets help make our house a home. They’re a reminder of the continuity of our life together. And in a way, a reminder that there’s so much life left to live.
The house is suddenly too small. I’m too antsy.
A chilly blast of air smacks me in the face as I step gingerly onto the back deck. I sit on the porch swing and pull my knees to my chest, balancing my bare feet off the edge. I can hear Carter playing his game—and his frustrations with the ping—as I move gently back and forth.
My attention shifts across the lawn and lands on the lit window at Jay’s house. A shadow crosses the pane—a shadow big enough to be him.
Jay.
Goose bumps dot my skin at the memory of his calloused hands against my body. The decadence of his smirk drifts through my mind like a warm, lazy river. The way his gaze penetrated me makes me shiver.Too bad that was all that got penetrated.
“Hey.” Cricket steps onto the porch, tugging her cardigan closer to her body. “Sorry if I startled you. Dylan let me in.”
“He wasn’t sneaking out, was he?”
She laughs, sitting next to me. “No. He wasn’t sneaking out. He had a box of crackers in his hand.”
“He’s very irritated that we don’t have snacks yet.”
“I can’t blame him. I’d be irritable, too, if I couldn’t snack.”
I bump her shoulder with mine.
She laughs. “Kyle said they had a good time at the rec center. He said Carter was the life of the party and that Dylan got off to a slow start but wound up making a few friends. That’s good news.”
“Kyle is my new favorite person in the world.”
“He’s a good boy. Now, what are you doing out here all by yourself? It’s so chilly,” she says, burrowing into her cardigan again. “Aren’t you cold?”
“A little bit. I just needed some fresh air.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I sigh, gazing at the stars.
There’s something different about sitting on the deck at night and conversing with someone instead of doing it over the phone. Taking up space next to her and being honest and vulnerable is such a blessing. It’s validating and freeing, and for once, I’m not alone.
“I’ve spent the last year at a standstill,” I say, the words flowing easily. “Christopher’s car accident threw all of us for a loop, and I’d like to say that I’ve spent the months since making sure the boys are okay. But if I’m being honest, I’ve had to grieve too.”
Cricket touches my leg. “Of course you have, honey. I’d know you were lying if you said otherwise.”
