Page 119 of Between Now and Forever
Feelin’ a little froggy today,” I say, eyeing the outlet covers that need to be changed in the kitchen. “But do I feel froggy enough to leap?”
I clean up the boys’ breakfast mess and try to keep myself distracted so I don’t open the curtains and look at Jay’s house. I thought it would get easier as each day passed, but it hasn’t. Even when Della asked me to go to Murray’s last weekend, I turned her down. Whereas I was so eager to go out and live again just a few weeks ago, I have no use for it now.
It’s almost as if I found what I was looking for.
Too bad I can’t have it.
My eyes are a little puffy from crying last night. I told the boys I have allergies. They were only too happy to take my explanation and continue their lives. I’m happy they don’t know how wrecked I am over Jay. It would disassemble the progress I’ve made with Dylan over the last few days.Let’s hope that lasts.
I rummage around beneath the sink and find my pink tool bag.
How could Jay walk away from me like that? Was I misreading the situation? Or is he truly just that nervous to get involved again?
“To hell with Jay,” I say, finding my screwdriver. “If he can just toss me aside and not realize that I am afraid, too—that it’s hard for me to consider losing another man I love—then fuck him.”
I wipe my face with the end of my shirt.
“Let’s roll the dice today and try a little electrical work,” I say. “What’s the worst that can happen? I know how to find the breaker box.”
My eyes instantly fill with tears as I remember the only time I’ve been down there.With him.
I’m reaching for the outlet when my doorbell sounds, filling the house with the melody of a dying fox.
“Gotta get that changed too,” I say, reaching the front door. I pull it open, and all the air vacates my lungs.
Jay.
“Hey,” he says carefully.
“What are you doing here?”
I steel myself against his smile, leaning into how uncertain it is instead of how handsome he looks first thing in the morning. I don’t flinch and barely blink. I’m not sure what to make of this.
“Can I come in?” he asks.
“I’d rather you didn’t.”
He runs a hand through his hair. “I committed the biggest mistake I’ve ever made and walked away from you.”
What?My hand slides down the side of the door until it falls limp at my side.
“I’ve barely been able to breathe, Gabrielle. I’ve avoided being home so I didn’t have to watch you living without me. Not a second has passed that I haven’t thought of you and your boys and wished that I was welcome here with everything in me.”
I force a swallow. My head spins, unsure what to make of this. I want to jump in his arms, have him wrap me up against him, and breathe in his cologne. I want what I thought we had.
But if I do that, if I give in without knowing why he’s suddenly pivoting back to me, it will be a mistake. I hate that it’s true. It’s just too bad that I’m wise enough to know that unless he’s truly had an epiphany and isn’t acting out of loneliness, this will all play out again.
That’s not an option.
There can’t be Band-Aids when it comes to my family. Either he gets it, or he doesn’t. He’s in, or he’s out. And that’s his choice to make.
“Believe it or not, my reaction was based out of fear ... but also out of wanting what’s best for you and your boys,” he says.
My sight blurs and I will myself not to cry.Stay strong, Gabby. Get through this.
“Dylan came by last night,” he says.
“What?Dylan came by your house? When?”
