Page 71 of This Much Is True
He looks at the ground.
“Dammit, Luke. Why does everyone think they get to speak for me? Think for me? Why does everyone assume that someone else can handle me better than I can handle myself?”
“It wasn’t like that, Laina. Not for me.” He whips his face to mine, his eyes blazing. “Please listen to me for a second.”
“Why have you never told me this? Why did I have to hear it from your dad?”
“I started to tell you a hundred times, but I didn’t want to add fuel to the fire.”
I pace a circle, trying to relieve some of the energy looking for an escape.
“There were so many days, weeks, and even months when I dissected everything about myself,” I say. “You were my best friend, my confidant. And I was in this new and exciting world and just wanted you with me. I needed you, Luke.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I had a new experience and wanted to share it with you every day. And so many times, I was lonely and scared, holed up in a hotel room with no one to talk to. And I called you, and you didn’t answer.”
“I live with that regret every day of my life.”
“It’s even more than that. I wanted to share your wins and be there for you when you needed me. I wanted to hear about your job and listen to your stories. Gosh, I missed your stories. And you just ripped it away from me because someone told you to?”
I scrub my face with my hands, wishing we hadn’t gone to Maggie’s. I hate that I didn’t know any of this. That, once again, I was ignored. My feelings, my heart was ignored.These men are supposed to love me. Not crush me.
“What else is there I don’t know? Are there more secrets swimming around out there that someone decided I didn’t need to know?”
His jaw sets. “Yeah. There is.”
I was only kidding. I was being a dick. I didn’t expect there to be more.
“Troy Castelli has been here since you arrived,” Luke deadpans.
“You have to be fucking kidding me.”
“He showed up the next morning and told me your label dispatched him. He said there were threats to your life, ones you may not take seriously, so I shouldn’t tell you.”
I gasp. “You’re one of them.”
“What?”
“You. You’re just one of them.”
He laughs menacingly. “You know what? You’re going too far. I understand you’re pissed, butdo notact like I’m out to hurt you. That’s not fair.”
“You wanna know what’s not fair?”
“I know, I know,” he says, his voice carrying on the wind. “Why don’t you stop for one minute and think this through? I know people have put you through some shit, Laina. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for not being there for you. You have absolutely no idea what I’d do to go back and change it. To realize then the games being played that I was too naive even to comprehend.” He takes a step toward me. “But I can’t, and I wasn’t.”
I battle tears from falling down my cheeks.
“You’ve been treated so badly by everyone that you expect it,” he says, shaking his head in disbelief. “You know me, Laina. You know how much I fucking love you. You know my heart. Yet when things get hard,you expect me to hurt you.”
Hot, salty rivers flow down my face because he’s right. I expect everyone to hurt me … including him.
It’s not right. I know that. I wish to hell that I didn’t feel this way. But I’m afraid to stop expecting it because what happens when I’m unprepared?
I’ll be crushed.
And I’m the only one I can trust to keep me from being crushed.
