Page 85 of This Much Is True
He presses a sweet kiss to my lips. I want to lean into him and have him hold me, to forget the past eighteen hours and get back to being us. But last night proved that we have some things to clear up if we’re going to go forward.
And we must go forward. He’s the other half of my heart.
“I’m not making excuses for myself,” I say, “but I truly never realized until last night how scared I am. Admitting that makes me squirm because it’s being so vulnerable, so exposed. It’s like I’m opening myself up all the way to my soul. I walk around with a shield half-cocked all the time.”
“Of course, you do. You don’t have to explain that. I don’t know anyone in the world who could navigate your life without being on edge at least a little.”
I smile at him. “I want you to know that I love you, Luke, with all my heart. And I know you love me, too. I can see it in how you look at me, touch me, and are willing to sacrifice for me. Even though you didn’t see me in Cleveland, it was a selfless act. I seethat now. I think I was so upset and angry—mostly at my father—that it got all muddy, and I just drowned in the depths of it all.”
“I would do anything for you. I mean that.”
Tears pool in my eyes. “It’s the little things for me—the shirts from the feed store, your kindness when you realized I basically broke into your house because I didn’t know where to go, and you making me work in the barn because you somehow knew that I needed a shot of normalcy. That’s love, Luke. And I would have to be blind and deaf and unable to feel your touch not to know you love me.”
“Sounds like you do get me, after all.”
“We’ll have rough patches. All relationships do. And I want those for us so we can work through them, grow a scar over the wound, and have that part of us be impenetrable.”
“Don’t say penetrate.”
I grin.
He squeezes my thigh and then sits back in his chair. “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you about Cleveland and that I kept Troy’s presence from you.”
“Well, obviously I’m glad you did that now.”
We laugh softly.
“I won’t keep anything from you again,” he says.
“And I won’t assume every little thing is a conspiracy either. I need to relax a little.”
“Taking control of your life will help. You’re building a new team, right? Get people you can trust and who are loyal to you. Surround yourself with people who make your soul feel good.”
I take a sip of tea and sigh.Now comes the tricky part.
I get up from the table and move aimlessly through the room. My brain works better when I’m on my feet, and I need my brain to work overtime now.
How do I bring up the fact that I have to leave soon? What if he wants me to split my time at work and at home?BecauseI can’t always do that. And I can’t ask him to give up his work either. It’s such a big part of him.
“What are you thinking?” he asks.
Just go for it. “If we’re doing this—”
“Oh, we’re doing this.”
I grin. “Then how does it work? I’ve already decided that I’m going to pull back on a lot of things. I didn’t want to be this busy to begin with, but my former business manager had a habit of using me like a show pony.”
Luke’s jaw sets.
“But even if I do that, I will be gone a lot. And when I’m here regularly, I’ll always have to have security around—even when I’m not. Because people are absolutely delusional. You have no idea.”
He finally takes a drink of his precious tea.
“I feel like I’m so much to deal with, that my life is so big in so many ways that wanting to be with me means having to accept all of this, too,” I say, my words falling faster. “And that feels unfair to even ask of you, Luke. If I’m in your life, it will turn it upside down. It’ll change in ways I can’t even predict.”
My heart thunders as I wait for his response. I don’t know if he’s thought about all of that. I assume he has to some extent. But I need to make sure he knows what he’s getting into before he chooses me.
He lowers his glass, uncovering a smirk. “Are you done?”
