Page 43 of Nothing But It All
I shake my head and go back inside.
The cabin is lit up with the early-afternoon sunlight. The white curtains with thin brown stripes flutter in the open windows. Scents of bleach and laundry soap fill the air, and if I allowed myself to, I could believe that things are perfectly normal.
That is, if I didn’t focus on the fact that Lauren left before I woke up.
My head is surprisingly clear, considering last night’s sleeplessness. I lay there knowing damn good and well that Lauren was awake too. More than once, I started to reach for her or to say something in the darkness of the night. But every time—I stopped myself.
A weight sits on my chest. It’s saddled with guilt and anger, humiliation and regret.
The silence last night gave me ample time to think. To reflect. To absorb the reality of my situation.
I haven’t had time to really internalize the kids’ revelation.Their mom plans to file for divorce. She’s really done.
How did I not see this coming? Why was I so willing to let things go the way they were? Did I really think staying away from her, avoiding the house, rescuing a puppy—which, in retrospect, may or may not have been the smartest thing I’ve ever done—would be okay?We didn’t even discuss it. I didn’t mention it, not even vaguely. But then again, I don’t mention much to her these days.
Having her beside me and not being able to touch her—being afraid to even speak to her—was an eye-opener.What is it about confined spaces that brings truth to light?Maybe it’s because there’s nowhere to go. There are no distractions available to avoid reality. There’s no running from what’s real.
And last night, what was real was that I’m now losing my wife. If I’ve not already lost her.
My heart sinks as my blood pressure soars. I must get a plan together. But where do I start?
“Hey, Daddy,” Maddie says, the door slamming shut behind her. “Um, what are you doing?”
“I’m standing in the kitchen. What are you doing?”
“You look like you’re about ready to pass out,” she says warily.
“I’m fine. What’s going on?”
She waits a long moment before switching back to her usual self. “I came to get my phone. Daniel is supposed to call me in about an hour, and I don’t want to miss it.”
I take in her blonde hair with red streaks, thanks to the sun. The freckles across the bridge of her nose. The tan lines peeking out from beneath her tank top strap.She looks just like her mom.
“Where have you been this morning?” I ask.
“The Fritzes got here yesterday, so I’ve been hanging out with Hannah and Hillary. We’re going down to the beach after lunch, I think. Their mom is making these little mini-sandwich things. They’re gonna be delish.”
“Awesome.”
She rolls her eyes. “Where’s Mom?”
“I don’t know.”
“Where’s Michael?”
“I don’t know.”
She sighs. “Whatdoyou know?”
“I know my daughter is getting a little mouthy for her age. I know that for a fact.”
Maddie giggles and wraps her arms around my waist. “I love you, Daddy. But I need you to work faster.”
“‘Work faster’?” I look down at her. “I’m not following you.”
“We’ve been here a whole day, and you and Mom are still on opposite ends of the planet.Fix it.” She pats my back before pulling away. “Now, I have to find my phone before Daniel calls.”
“Hey.”
