Page 2 of Nothing But It All
The first time it entered my mind, I was crying in the shower at midnight. I had been up since five that morning hustling Michael off to a wrestling tournament, sat in the bleachers for nine hours to watch him on the mats for a total of thirteen minutes, and coordinated with my best friend, Billie, to get Maddie picked up from cheer camp, since the tournament had run late. A red blister had formed on my forearm from trying to fry chicken for dinner—a dinner that no one ate—and the back of my ankle was raw from the trash can scraping it as I hauled it to the road for pickup. In the midst of it all, I realized I’d forgotten to pick up chocolate to finish the dessert I had to make for the grand opening of Jack’s new auto shop location the next morning.
I stood in the shower, tears of exhaustion running down my face, and took an inventory of my life.
I had one friend, whose friendship hinged on how often she could come to my house because I was too busy taking care of everyone else’s lives to do anything with mine. The health I’d prided myself on now involved blood pressure medicine. The person in the mirror was unfamiliar, and the version of me inside my head was a stranger.
When did I start beingthisLauren Reed?
“I can’t do this anymore.” The words fly out of my mouth well before I realize they’re on the tip of my tongue. “I’m serious. Something has to change, Jack.”
My eyes widen. The thundering of my heart makes me light-headed.What am I doing? What does that mean?I’m not sure. But the relief that washes over me is undeniable.
“What are you saying?” His tone cuts me through the line. “What are you getting at?”
“It means that I’m drawing a line in the sand. I—”
“I’m working to take care of you, damn it.You wanted to stay home with the kids. I’m giving you what you asked for—what’s best for our family.”
“But when did I say I didn’t wantyou?” I ask, my voice rising as tears gather in the corners of my eyes. “I didn’t know it was going to be a trade-off. I thought we’d still see each other, you know. Have a life together. I never realized I was going to turn into an employee.”
He exhales harshly. “That’s not true.”
“What in the world do you think I’m doing here all day?” I catch myself and lower my voice. “Who does your laundry? Who runs Maddie to a million things every week and makes sure Michael’s wrestling stuff is taken care of? Who shoulders the food preparation, grocery shopping—making sure the bills are paid? I’m happy to do all of that. I love taking care of you guys. But I also want to feel like I’m more than the woman that lives in your house.”
“Do you want a thank-you? Is that it?”
“No, I don’t want athank-you. I want ...”
More.
My shoulders fall forward as I give up the argument.What’s the point in saying anything? Nothing changes.
He’s not going to understand, and I’m foolish to even try.
“I appreciate you, Lo. You’re the best mother in the world. I just ...” He blows out a hasty breath. “Why do we argue like this?”
My heart cracks, deepening the caverns that have been forming for years. The man who used to heal all my wounds now only injures me more. I don’t think he does it on purpose. I just don’t think he cares enough to listen. But maybe that means itison purpose.Who knows?
“Is it because I’m not home enough?” he asks.
“Yes. No.Maybe?” I sigh, wishing I hadn’t called him in the first place. “Maybe we’ve spent so much time apart that we don’t remember how to get along.”
“We never had to try to get along before.”
I frown. “Maybe that’s saying something.”
Jack groans, defeat thick in his voice. “I love you. Okay? I do. And I’ll try to do better. I’ll start moving shit around so I can be home in time for dinner. All right?”
My lips twitch, wanting desperately to smile. I want to believe him with every fiber of my being. But every time I try to raise my hopes, the memory of each failed attempt to do better resurfaces.
“All right,” I say, shrugging.“But something has to change.”
“I heard you.”
“Good.”
There’s a long pause.
“I gotta go, Lauren. Love you.”
